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February and March 2009 issue

Economic Stimulus Package - Duct Tape Guy-style
We have some comments (and ideas) concerning the recent Federal Economic Stimulus Package. And even if you don't have a political bone in your body, you're gonna be affected by this economic downturn-recession thing... For ideas about how to cope using duct tape, please take a few minutes to read our Duct Tape Economic Stimulus Package on a Roll page. Thanks.

Helpful Household Hints for Happy Homemakers
Before he was ever the "Duct Tape Guy" (back in the 1980s) Tim did morning drive radio humor bits on WLOL-fm in the Twin Cities, MN. One of his recurring bits was Helpful Household Hints for Happy Homemakers with Mrs. Millard (June) America. This list of actual household hints (Mrs. Milard America had bogus hints) reminded Tim of the household hints genre:

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.

Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.

For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze.

To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.

Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort.

Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of SO.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!

Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little
hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood.
Works every time!

Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.

Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.

Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.

Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least three hours prior to burning.

To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

Ants, ants, everywhere? Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and
flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.

To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.

There, a whole list of helpful household hints and not ONE of them mentions duct tape. But then, you know what to use duct tape for... If you don't, just peruse and you'll come away with thousands of ideas!

Remember, to go exploring!
We always include this handy little pull-down menu in our newsletter and on our main page. This is an easy way for you to explore the world's most massive online tribute to duct tape:

We took a well deserved vacation from years of running our popular Duct Tape Photo Caption Contest, and now (with the proding a our good buddy Leo in Erie, PA) we're starting it up again. Okay, Leo, have at it. Click to the Caption Contest page for the current photo.

Catch our act on YouTube...
We just posted a three-part video of our stage show. So if you've never been able to catch our act, click to our YouTube site and watch the wacky biz that has made us a household word (the word would be "goofballs"). We'll be adding a bi-weekly fireside chat-type video from the Duct Tape Guys in just a bit - make sure you are on our email list so you are notified of the shenanigans as they happen.

Dale's Discoveries
(A monthly feature that will be showcasing weird stuff that our friend Dale comes up with.) Visit Dale's TallToysTroupe site

Our electricity here comes mostly from wind generators. I think that is great but I always feel just a little strange when I turn on an electric fan.

Now that we are a few years into it, how long will it take for something to be referred to as the "Crime of the Century"? It seems to me that stealing a pack of gum at 12:01 AM on January 1, 2001 would have qualified. Not for that long though.

Why is it that, when milk is poured in cereal commercials, it is always in slow motion?

Every once in awhile when I am standing on a balcony overlooking a public square and admiring the view, I think that this is something I couldn't ever do if I were the Pope.

Since no one uses the "New Math" anymore, don't you think they should change its name?

I always write "SEE ID" on the back of my credit cards. Sometimes they don't. I found that, if you really want them to ask you for your ID you have to write "Please don't ask for ID".

Dale's Website Discovery of the Month

Every since I was a kid I have always loved Airstream trailers. Unfortunately, I realize that my chances of ever owning one are becoming slimmer and slimmer. Still, there is a newsletter that not only lets you know about the new features on these trailers, but has very interesting articles about design in general. I have never suggested signing up for a newsletter before in this column but this one doesn't spam you with stuff and I genuinely enjoy the things in it most months. (I have to be honest.) Here are a few examples of things that have appeared in previous issues:

Here are plans for a portable yurt that can be built for about $200 and set up almost anywhere. (Dale, that's nothing that you can't accomplish for less than $10 with duct tape and old refrigerator cartons...)

If you enjoy a good cigar and can't find a place to have one, here is the ultimate answer.

Finally, these are some ingenious designs for making the most out of a small space. click here

This is just a drop in the bucket to illustrate some of the things you get with your free subscription. Unlike this fine newsletter, there is no archive, at least there was none that I was able to find. You can subscribe here.

Jim and Tim's Cool Website Finds

For a cool story (and videos) about ViolinistJoshua Bell in the Washington D.C. Metro click here.

How about a little duct tape street art? click here.

I (Tim) thought that this was a cool bumper sticker - especially in the wake of the passing of our son-in-law's dad, Rick:

Finally (and in that same vein), for the truly deep among you:" "Whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me. " 

Mother Teresa always remembered these words of Jesus. She said that she saw the face of Jesus in the face of each sick and dying person she helped. She asked the whole world to look for Jesus' face there, too. Here, hHave a look at the face of Jesus in this extraordinary collection of photos.

Meet us at The Duct Tape Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories. Just like these people did:

Paris Bus Repair I didn't do it, but I saw it. My wife and I were in Paris in April '08 waiting to board a tour bus to take us to Notra Dame when I noticed the left rear bumper of the bus. Even in France, Duct Tape has 1001 uses. The moral of this story is if you are going to buy a tour bus, be sure it's gray, so when you back into something and bang-up the bumper it's easily repaired with duct tape. - Del L. Benicia, CA

Hawaiian Stylin'
Gabi caught this duct tape sighting at the Haiku Flower Festival in Haiku, Maui (check out his right leg).

Vasectomy Helper
A long time ago, when my dad had his vasectomy done, he went back to work two days later as suggested by his doctor.  Since he worked in construction, however, he accidentally did way too much, and tore his incision.  Being on the job, there wasn't much to choose from for a quick fix, so he grabbed the nearest roll of duct tape and repaired to the port-a-potty.  Don't ask how it felt coming off. Strange but true!!! Michelle H., Hiram, GA

Another Duck Tape Repair I live on a farm and have many ducks.  One day I noticed one limping with something caught on it's leg.  I told my husband that it got into something and he said no, i found it with a broken leg, so i duct taped it together.  I said, omg, that won't work, you need a splint.! I forgot that, he said.  Well, a year later, the duck (they are pets) is still gimping around the farm and still has most of his duct (duck) tape intact. - Cindy S., Warren, CT

Dome Light Dimmer After a minor collision, the dome light on my car refused to go out when I shut the door. I put layers of duct tape on the inside of the door until I had built up enough thickness to push the light switch closed when the door was shut. Problem solved. - Robert R., Laramie WY

Actually found on restaurant menus:

Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90.

Our whipped butter is made with margarine.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

We dare you Burger for two (Served on a Stretcher) - A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher.

We serve the finest in Human [meant hunan] cuisine.

Actual signs:

Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays

Parking for drive-through customers only.

We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you.

Eat Here - Get Gas

Hot drinks to take out or sit in.

You can't beat our meat!

Our Infamous Steaks


Please consume all food on premises. (we don't think we could eat that much)

Actual conversations with restaurant servers:

"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?"

"Just the chicken." - The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.

"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" - Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.

"Do you want cheese on that?" - Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.

"You want fries with that?" - Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.

"Do you want onions on that?" - A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.

"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"

"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"

"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." - A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.

A waitress asked, "Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?"

"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" - Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.

"Do you want that in a bag?" - Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.

"Is this for here or to go?" - Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.

"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"

"What's the difference?" - Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.

"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." - A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.

"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"

"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"

"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"

"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"

"Would you like the sale price?" - A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.

"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." - Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.

"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" - A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.

"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls - do they have ham in them?" - A customer at a bakery cafe.

"Don't you guys have them 99¢ Whoppers?" - Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.

"This is to go." - Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.

"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." - A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"

Nab all the cool, original Duct Tape Pro™ Duct Tape Apparel you want at the Pro Shop
The Duct Tape Pro Shop is the only place in the universe to get Genuine Duct Tape Guys Originals. There are many rip-offs available - some at major department stores, but they're illegal copyright infringements. Please don't buy them. Anything that you see on our site are our original designs and slogans.

And remember, when it comes time to buy our BOOKS - including the WD-40 Book and the entire Duct Tape genre for your dad, grandpa... friends and relatives (or yourself) there's no better place than the Pro Shop - that's because we autograph everything that we ship. And, we've got GREAT deals that you won't find anywhere else - in the world! So stop by the Duct Tape Pro Shop and see what's in store for you! Thanks for your patronage! - The Duct Tape Guys

Well, that’s it for now. Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list.

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May the Tape be with you!
- Jim and Tim - The Duct Tape Guys

Click here for archived On a Roll Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05, 2/05, 3/05, 4/05, 5/05, 06/05, 7/05, 08/05, 09/05, 10/05, 11/05, 12/05, 01/06, 2/06, 3/06, 4/06, 5/06, 6/06, 7/06, 8/06, 9/06,10/06,11/06, 12/06, 1/07, 2/07, 3/07. 4/07, 5/07, 6/07. 7/07, 8-9/07, 10-11/07, 12/07, 01/08, 02-03/08,4-5/08, 6-7/08, 8-9/08, 10-11/08, 12/08 and 1/09, 2-3/09,