The "BADGE of HONOR" If you've sent us something that we have used on our site, grab the graphic above and post it on your site and in your emails.

Submissions Please
If you have a joke or story that you would like to submit for inclusion in our next newsletter, email it to us. Just make sure it's suitable for all ages (we don't publish anything off-color). Thanks again!

Quote of the month:

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
- George Eliot (funny quote, coming from George, since George was the pseudonym of English author Mary Ann Evans, 1819-1880)

"Hey, Tim. Did George finally become a woman, or did Mary Ann become a man?"

"Don't you have something you need to duct tape, Jim?"

Soapbox presents Tim's personal opinions about serious issues that he feels are of importance.
It has been moved to a different page so those who would rather not have a dose of serious matters can avoid it. If you're concerned with the state of our nation, the future we are giving our kids, issues of peace, justice and faith/values in action, and would like to be exposed to more ideas than those presented by our corporate media, click here. If you don't want to, that's okay. Tape on!

Above the Law? Is anyone (including the President) that is "above the law?" click here.

What's all this about Global Warming? Find out a little bit more about global warming and pass along the information to your friends and relatives by way of this fun little animation called, "Climate Mash."

Don't Use Big Words
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compact comprehensibility, coalescent consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rhodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity, ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or apparent.
In other words, talk plainly, briefly, naturally, sensibly, truthfully, purely. Keep from slang; don't put on airs; say what you mean; mean what you say.

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
Cookin' with Duct Tape:

Jim's sister (Tim's sister-in-law) came up with a little gourmet snack that resembled the flavor of White Castle Burgers, with a rye twist. We call them Sherrie's Velveeta Sliders. Don't let the name scare you, Sherrie is actually a really good cook and these little gems are worth a try!
click to our "Cookin's with Duct Tape" page for the recipe

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January 2006

Duct Tape Calendar Fix
If you got one of these for Christmas, you are in good company. Since 1997, these little beauties have been flying off the shelf! They're one of the consistently best selling Page-A-Day® calendars out there. And, since 1997 we start getting emails around the second week of January complaining that the calendar pad (a weighty 365 pages of cool, useful, wacky and wacked duct tape hints) comes detatched from the blue plastic backer. Well, take heart! Your Duct Tape Page-A-Day calendar can take on a beautiful Duct Tape Guy look with the addition of a few strips of duct tape. Check out our special instructions page here: Oh, and if you were'nt fortunate enough to get one of these little beauties for Christmas - you can nab one at the Duct Tape Pro Shop (via Amazon) and have it sitting on your desk in no time!

Eight Worst Convenience Foods
Absolutely nothing to do with duct tape… Just think of this as a public service announcement from the Duct Tape Guys)

8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

Dale's Discoveries
(A monthly feature that will be showcasing weird stuff that our friend Dale comes up with.)

There is an internet filtering service called "What would Jesus view?" What an interesting question. So I thought about it, and I am not sure that Jesus would really need the internet.

Do waitresses at restaurants in Hell warn you that the plates are hot?

Mankind has struggled with the concept of Free Will versus Predestination for centuries. In fact, I myself have been pondering it of late and I think I have finally figured out the answer. You see, I believe that Man is created with total and absolute Free Will. Then he gets married.

And finally, this Dale concept coupled with Tim's execution:

New Button (finally)
Hey, we got our new buttons in stock and are including one FREE with any book or video order.

And, our new Bumper Sticker is printed too. they are available now at the Duct Tape Pro Shop and come free with many combo specials.

Duct Tape Post Cards - just a BUCK!
Get a set of four Duct Tape Guy postcards.
Send $1 to cover return postage and handling to:
Duct Tape Guy Postcards
732 Memorial Drive, Suite 200
Sturgeon Bay, WI 54235
(remember to include your return address)
You can order for others, too. Just include $1 for each separate address.

Calling all cheapskates!
You loved this offer, so we are extending it past the holidays!
Nab our video and two books (above) for only $15 DELIVERED! Click here for details. Hurry! Limited offer!

Meet us at The Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories.

Just like these people did:

Dog Collar Zapper Protector I have 2 really big dogs and an invisible fence to keep them in the yard. One dog destroyed the other dog's electrical zapper collar. Great to chomp down on when rough housing in the back yard. ($150 expense for replacement collar!) I now put about 6 layers of duct tape to secure the battery and protect the electronics. I get about 2 months of "dog abuse" with this great idea. - Tim M-V

Ridin' with Duct Tape I keep a downsized spool of 4 inch wide duct tape in the saddlebag of my Harley, aside of many obvious practical uses, I find the 4 inch wide tape makes excellent instant chaps, when there's unforeseen weather changes. - Carrie

Wart Remover Recommendation Every user wishing to remove a wart should know this! After much trial and error, I have found that DUCK brand duct tape sticks to the skin better and longer than 3M brand duct tape. - Dan S., Midland, Michigan

Cockroaches Foiled by Duct Tape!
Permacel P-665 Gaffer Tape [actually, any duct tape will do] is a 100% effective cockroach trap. Lay out a strip at night and pick it up in the morning. -submitted by Stan @ Filmtools

Burning Man Every year I go to Burning Man in Nevada which is THE duct tape capital of the world. New uses for duct tape are greatly appreciated over there. The best one I saw last year was a group of people walking along with quarts of beer duct taped to their hands. I asked them why they had their beers duct taped to their hands and they said they didn't have to worry about putting their beers down anywhere and forgetting them. It was one less thing to remember. Things get pretty screwy at Burning Man. One year we made a complete dress on my sister in law in duct tape. It looked really cool, but at the end of the night we had to cut it off her with scissors. Oh yeah, everything at Burning Man is held together with duct tape.- Kay

  • Shirt of the Month:
    It's far and away our bestselling shirt! Got Duct Tape? Click to the Duct Tape Pro Shop to pick one up today. They come in a variety of shirt styles - even a nice cozy sweatshirt for fall and winter wearing!

Got an idea for a shirt? Look through our apparel offerings. If you don't see your idea, and we haven't used it in the past, we just might use it. If we produce it, we will send you a free shirt. (email your idea to - put "shirt idea" in the subject line)

Got a good duct tape use photo? send it into our Duct Tape Diner and we'll post it! Make sure you include your first name (and/or initials) and city/state.


• Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they're employed or not.

• At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

• Most dogs are immortal.

• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Click here to listen to the Duct Tape Guys early radio bits, "Duct Tape Talk".

If you spot duct tape - snap a photo and send it to us. We'll add it to our Duct Tape Sightings pages. Make sure you tell us where the shot was taken!

Well, that’s it for this issue of "Duct Tape on a Roll" Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list.

If you want OFF of our email list at any time, that’s fine with us, we don’t want to bother anyone with stuff they don't want. Just click the list link above and follow the unsubscribe instructions - don't send us an email asking us to remove you - we have no control over the list - you must click the link above or on your email notification to unsubscribe. Thanks.

May the Tape be with you!
- Jim and Tim - The Duct Tape Guys

Click here for archived On a Roll Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05, 2/05, 3/05, 4/05, 5/05, 06/05, 7/05, 08/05, 09/05, 10/05, 11/05, 12/05,

Tim (left), Jim (other left).