The "BADGE of HONOR" If you've sent us something that we have used on our site, grab the graphic above and post it on your site and in your emails.
Submissions Please
If you have a joke or story that you would like to submit for inclusion in our next newsletter, email it to us. Just make sure it's suitable for all ages (we don't publish anything off-color). Thanks again!

Quotes of the month:
Slams (or snaps) have been around for a long time. Here are a few sideways "compliments" that you might find amusing if not handy:

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

Thanks to Liggett • Stashower Public Relations for some of our quotes and trivia.

Soapbox presents Tim's personal opinions about serious issues that he feels are of importance.
It has been moved to a different page so those who would rather not have a dose of serious matters can avoid it. If you're concerned with the state of our nation, the future we are giving our kids, issues of peace, justice and faith/values in action, and would like to be exposed to more ideas than those presented by our corporate media, click here. If you don't want to, that's okay. Tape on!

Got Health Insurance?
No? You're not alone! 45 million U.S. Citizens don't have health insurance. While duct tape can help you in many medical situations (see our HMO on a Roll page), it's no substitute for complete medical coverage. Ask your elected officials to get on the bandwagon for affordable health care coverage for every citizen. (note: the t-shirt is available online here)

Trivia: California's population exceeds that of the 21 smallest states combined.

The U.S. Air Force is the world's largest air force. Which is second? The U.S. Navy Air Corps.

Hamburger? Otto, a cook in Hamburg, Germany, began selling patties of beef sausage, topped with a friend egg and served between two slices of bread. Thus Otto invented the first "hamburger" (sort of).

Cookin' with Duct Tape:
This month's featured easy recipe is one of Tim's favorites with a strong cup of black coffee. Fantastic gooey Caramel Pecan Rolls that are so easy, even a Duct Tape Guy can bake them. check out the recipe by clicking here

Video Sale:
Order by mail and help us get rid of our remaining video stock before we convert to DVD. We'll make it worth your while with incredibly LOW prices (less than cost). Click the image below for details.

Not on our Emailing List? Subscribe Now! Click here to get on the new list now! If you are getting our emails and don't want to, you need to click on the link above and follow the remove instructions (there is no way that we can remove your email for you).

New Bumper Sticker!
Thanks to an annoymous fan who provided us with the idea for this cool new bumper sticker (available at the Duct Tape Pro Shop now):

May 2005

Project Ductstream
The Duct Tape Guys are about to embark on a major project of redoing this massively ugly travel trailer into a sleek, modern "Ductstream" trailer for the Duct Tape Heritage Festival in Avon, Ohio (this Father's Day weekend). Stay tuned for a special page documenting this conversion from the Ultimate in Ugliness to the Ultimate Bachelor Pad.

Duct Tape always by your side! The Duck brand people have come up with another innovation in the duct tape realm. Realizing that it's of the utmost importance to have a roll of duct tape on hand at all times, they developed this handy little "Carabineer" clip perfectly sized to a mini roll of Duck brand duct tape. For more information about this clever little invention, click to the DuckProducts web site.

Practical Joke du Jour (du Month)
We don't take that card...
When paying a bill at a restaurant, instead of putting your credit card in the little folder, provide your library card, grocery store loyalty card, etc. as payment. Watch as the server tries to figure out why the card won't work in the credit card scanner. (Remember to tip well.)
. Want more joke ideas? Click to

The Gospel According to Duct Tape? Chagrin Falls, Ohio pastor Mark Simone found the Gospel message in a roll of duct tape. We have his message, "What I like about Duct Tape" posted on our web site. Take a listen to Mark's creative sermon online. Click here. Mark's email address is listed on the page if you care to send hiim kudos on his message.

WE NEED YOUR Duct Tape Dad Stories Anticipating Father's Day - we'd like to announce a new contest. Send us your best "My Dad uses duct tape for..." stories. We will post the prime submissions and award three best entries with a set of duct tape books to give dad for Father's Day. The Winners will be posted in our June 2005 newsletter. Click here for more information.
HURRY! Deadline is May 25th!

Dale's Discoveries
(A monthly feature that will be showcasing weird stuff that our friend Dale comes up with.)

I noticed on the local television bulletin board yesterday that there was going to be a meeting of Schizophrenics Anonymous. I wonder if they had always had that name or if they changed it because, before they were anonymous, it took the whole meeting just to take attendance.

And, since we are on that subject:

I was in a grocery store in our town the other day and I saw a guy who appeared to be having a rather loud conversation with an invisible partner. Being used to seeing things like that in New York City, I thought it was odd to see something like that in our little town. When I got closer to him, I realized that he was talking on a cell phone. It then occurred to me that a clever psychiatrist who has patients who regularly have loud conversations with people who only they could see, could just give them dummy cell phones to hold and they would fit right in with the general public.

Spring Book Deal of the Month
This offer has been so popular, we decided to run it another couple of months. Visit the Duct Tape Pro Shop and pick up our second book and the hard to find WD-40 Book (autographed of course) - retail $13.95 - yours for just $10!

Helpful Household Hint for Happy Homemakers
According to the Census Bureau approximately 105,000 men in America stay at home while their wives work. According to The Duct Tape Guy Bureau, 104,997 of these men use duct tape to help them with their daily chores. (We assume that the other three men don't have opposable thumbs and can't get the tape off of the roll.)

This month's spring cleaning hint has to do with dusting off all of those knickknacks you have sitting around your house. Duct tape each knickknack to the shelf that it's sitting on. Wrap your furnace filter with duct tape, sticky-side out, turn the furnace fan on high and blow the dust off of the knickknacks with your leaf blower. The dust will suck into the cold air returns and stick on the duct taped filter. It's as simple as that. - DTG

Meet us at The Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories.

Just like these people did:

Duct Tape Anvil My daughter had to do a poetry project for which a visual representation of the poem was required.  She was doing Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's "The Village Blacksmith" and we figured an anvil would be a great visual.  But where to find one and how could she lug the big, heavy thing into school? Duct tape to the rescue! We have your Halloween Costume book (my son was a game show contestant last year...thanks!) and I figured, if you can make a human ATM or an alien, why not an anvil? - Pat and Kim

Duct Tape Game Bag My friends, traveled from 800 miles away, to visit and for an evening of board games. As we played the paper bag that held the game pieces began to tear. Duct tape that was lying near by was grabbed. As we played throughout the night the duct tape was used quite frequently. That was seven years ago. The duct tape bag still holds those game pieces today.-Maureen S., Greenville SC

Noise Abatement My PC was driving me crazy because it was so loud. I have an adjustable case fan and keep it running around 3800 RPM's. The side panels let sound through, the front panels did as well. I decided to try Duck Tape and see if it helped to quiet down things. I placed 2 layers on the side panels, and 2 layers on the front panel. Afterwards there was a noticable drop in noise levels, and the only noise now comes from the back where there is little area to keep sound from escaping. Duck tape is less expensive than soundproofing material and easier to remove. - Sam DeR

Shirt of the Month:
Duct Tape: Mother's Little Helper. Reminder - Mother's Day is coming up. What better way to honor mom than to honor her dependence on the Ultimate Power Tool - Duct Tape. This shirt gives a wholesome twist to the Rolling Stone's lyrics. Click to the Duct Tape Pro Shop's apparel store. These make GREAT GIFTS!

Got an idea for a shirt? Look through our apparel offerings. If you don't see your idea, and we haven't used it in the past, we just might use it. If we produce it, we will send you a free shirt. (email your idea to - put "shirt idea" in the subject line)

Be Creative!
Want to be more creative? Use the tried and true methods that have fueled the Duct Tape Guys for the past ten years with the Duct Tape Guys' FREE brainstorming curriculum. It makes a great teaching tool. We've posted it here for use by teachers, students... heck, anyone can use it!
Your caption?

Click to enter our photo caption contest! Click the link to see our previous monthly caption contest winners, too!

The top ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been written by college students:

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning...cold.

9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Payback time Two statues were standing in a park facing each other for years and years. One was male, one female. Some fairy or something came along and told them that they could be alive for thirty minutes and that they could do anything they wanted. So they came alive and immediately ran for the bushes. A lot of giggling and rustling was going on and they came out a few minutes later smiling. The fairy said that they still had a few minutes left and so the female statue turned to the other one and said "Okay, but this time I get to hold the pigeon and you can crap on its head."

Bad Predictions (continued)
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
~ "Popular Mechanics," forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
~ Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
~ The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?"
~ Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
~ Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
~ Western Union internal memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
~ David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
~ A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
~ Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind"

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
~ Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
~ Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
~ Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

Click here to see Tim's latest Duct Tape Pros cartoons.

If you spot duct tape - snap a photo and send it to us.
We'll add it to our Duct Tape Sightings pages. Make sure you tell us where the shot was taken!

Well, that’s it for this issue of "Duct Tape on a Roll" Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list.

If you want OFF of our email list at any time, that’s fine with us, we don’t want to bother anyone with stuff they don't want. Just click the list link above and follow the unsubscribe instructions.

May the Tape be with you!
- Jim and Tim - The Duct Tape Guys

Click here for archived On a Roll Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05, 2/05, 3/05, 4/05,

Tim (left), Jim (other left).