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Submissions Please
If you have a joke or story that you would like to submit for inclusion in our next newsletter, email it to us. Just make sure it's suitable for all ages (we don't publish anything off-color). Thanks again!

Quotes of the month:
Women might think Alaska, with its high proportion of men to women, would be a good place to look for a husband. But if you ask the women in Alaska, you are likely to get this answer: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." - Author unknown

"When I met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always." - Rita Rudner

Thanks to Liggett • Stashower Public Relations for some of our quotes and trivia.

Soapbox presents Tim's personal opinions about serious issues that he feels are of importance.
These ideas are presented for your consideration, or your thoughtful rejection.

Reasons for the soapbox.
Two people complained about the soapbox last issue - one got downright nasty. Not bad for the thousands of listmembers that read "On a Roll." Still, that gives me cause to remind readers of the reason why I bother to use this space to expound upon various issues.
#1 Life ain't all humor and goofball antics (even for a humor author and comedian). I care deeply about the issues that I choose to write about here - and feel compelled to do so - even though I realize many may not agree with me (see footnote).
#2 America was built on the people's right and responsibility to speak out (especially when they feel their government is out of line). This is a basic founding principle of our country.
#3 Our media is no longer very adept at getting complete and accurate information to the populus. The web has been instrumental in creating and maintaining a crucial flow of information from a variety of sources (not just pre-spun propoganda created to promote an agenda).
#4 Dialogue in our times decreasing because of our polarized society - yet increasingly important. I am in favor of promoting dialogue and the exchange of ideas. For that purpose, I contribute ideas briefly via Soapbox and more completely via
#5 There may be world situations that you would be sympathetic to, yet are not aware of. Soapbox attempts to provide exposure to those worthy organizations providing viable solutions.

Bottom line: I'm not trying to convert anyone to a social or political viewpoint. I'm not trying to irritate those with differing opinions. I'm merely trying to be a responsible citizen and utilize the space, time and talents given me.

Finally, in the spirit of acknowledging that both "sides" are far from perfect, I submit this joke:

A man is drowning in the Potomac. Republicans hear about it and rush down to the river. He's slowly sinking about 100 feet offshore, and he's crying for help. Republicans throw him 50 feet of rope and tell the man the rest is up to you. Democrats hear about it; they rush down to the Potomac. The poor man is now going under, still about 100 feet offshore. The Democrats throw him 200 feet of rope and then let go of their end.

- Tim

Footnote: If you don't agree with me, you do have options: Ignore the soapbox. Or, use it to get informed about other sides of issues so you can contribute more informed rebutals.

Trivia: Twenty-seven years old. That's the age of Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix at their deaths.

Here's why Picasso signed his paintings simply Picasso: His full name was Pablo Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria de los Remedios Crispin Crispiano Santisma Trinidad Ruiz Picasso. (Role call in his grade school must have taken all morning.)

Cookin' with Duct Tape:

This month we've added Tim's Asian Turkey Burgers to the mix of recipes created by (or enjoyed by) the Duct Tape Guy Cuisine.
click here

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February 2005 - The Month of Red and Pink Duct Tape and LOVE (Our Valentine's Issue)

Valentine’s Day Uses for Duct Tape

10. One rose traditionally means "I love you." A dozen roses made entirely out of duct tape means "I'll love you forever!" (see how-to below)

9. If your sweetheart is dieting, wrap that heart-shaped box of chocolates in ten to twenty layers of duct tape - they'll either give up entirely, or burn about 300 calories while opening it.

8. Or, forget the box of chocolates, just give your sweetheart a roll of duct tape. Duct tape is 100% fat free.

7. No more cupid's bow and arrow necessary. Just wrap yourself in duct tape, sticky-side-out and fling yourself against the object of your desires.

6. Valentine's Day dinner apparel is spill-proof when you make it out of duct tape. Dribble some red wine? No problem, just hose yourself off!

5. Make a giant Valentine's Day greeting card: Write "I LOVE YOU..." on your garage door with duct tape. You might make friends with the neighbors using this hint, also.

4. Popping the question? Do what Tim did. Duct tape yourself to your askee's leg until she accepts your proposal of marriage.

3. Make a Love Bug: Cover a Volkswagen Beetle (any vintage) in red or pink duct tape hearts. Don't have a Beetle? Duct tape an old claw-foot bathtub upside down on the top of your car and it will kind of look like a bug.

2. Make your sweetheart a sexy duct tape teddy or negligee out of red and black duct tape (warning: hair removal eminent)

1. Duct tape your bedroom door shut so the kids don't come in during your romantic interlude.

Note: Duck® brand duct tapes and Duck® brand X-Treme tapes come in great colors including red, hot pink, two colors of green, etc. and are available at most Wal-Mart stores. Click here to see all of the colors that Duck® brand offers.

How To Make a Duct Tape Rose For those of you with a little time (and no money), consider giving your honey a gift of roses that you made yourself from duct tape. Click to our how-to section to get easy instructions.

Super Saver Only Three Days Left! Until 02/03/05 you can get $5 off a $50 purchase of our Apparel and Stuff items (doesn't include books or videos - they're already dirt cheap). When you check out, insert the coupon code: VDAY50 - this is usable when you order shirts, mugs, license plate frames, the Duct Tape Chimp, and other cool stuff at the Pro Shop. Click here.

Book Deal of the Month
Visit the Duct Tape Pro Shop and pick up our second book and WD-40 book (autographed of course) - worth $13.95 retail for just $10!

Practical Joke du Jour (du Month)
Sinking Chairs Here is a fun (and somewhat safe) prank to pull on co-workers in an office setting. Most office dwellers have chairs that use a pneumatic piston to control the height. They are also designed to use a persons weight to effect the downward adjustment. While your coworkers are away from their desk, take a strip of duct tape and tape the height adjusting lever to the bottom of the seat. This effectively locks the piston into adjust mode. When they sit down, their weight will cause the chair to bottom out quickly. The looks of utter confusion are priceless. Extra points to brave individuals who pull this one on their boss. Want more joke ideas? Click to Tim's

Dale's Discoveries: (A monthly feature that will be showcasing weird stuff that our friend Dale discovers.)
Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired visas (some for as long as 10-15 years). At Blockbuster you're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of US immigration. - author unknown

I was in a pie shop the other day and noticed this on the menu:
Please ask your waitress if you would like your pie warm.
I thought "How would she know?" - Dale

Calendar idea: We know, by calendar sales, that there are over 100,000 of you out there with a new Duct Tape Page-A-Day Calendar. Here's a nifty idea that was sent to us by various people. We like it! Store the torn-off pages for future reference in the box that the calendar came in. Just duct tape the box to the back of the blue calendar stand. And remember to register your calendar online for your daily email delivery of the calendar hint to your email address (see the calendar for details and entry code). If you didn't get the calendar over the holidays, you can pick them up at a discount now at book and calendar stores.

Meet us at The Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories.

Just like these people did:

Resourceful Room Cleaning 101 I am a messy person, and I live in my room... I hadn't cleaned my room in a year and my mom had started getting really annoyed and was always yelling at me to "get the garbage off the floor." So one day me and a few friends decided we'd do just that. We put what little money we had together and ran up to the store to buy about four rolls of duct tape, came back, and proceeded to tape all the garbage from my floor onto my wall... Mom almost had a stroke when she saw what we had done. - Yuri K., Toronto, Ontario

Ever wonder what keeps the planes up? On a scuba trip to Honduras I flew back on Taca Airlines. There was an inspection plate missing on the wing, very close to the window where I was sitting that was covered by duct tape. I didn't notice it until another passenger cried out "There's duct tape on the wing!". The flight back to Houston was about 2 hours long, and the duct tape survived. Thank Goodness for Duct tape! - John M.

Mouthpiece on a Roll I coach boys lacrosse, and occasionally, players forget their mouthpieces. It is penalty to not have one in during play, so I carry some Duct Tape in my coaches bucket to remedy this. Just tear off a 2 to 3 inch piece, fold the sticky side together lengthwise, and wallah, a mouthpiece. Of course, I strongly suggest they bring a real one next time...but we're always prepared. - Mike D., Virginia

Hibiscus Repair in Wisconsin One of my new retirement chores is taking care of six houseplants. On my first day at this task I accidentally broke a brand on my wife's favorite - a beautiful flowering Hibiscus. Being under the influence of at least three of your calendars, and a coward to boot, I was immediately moved to duct tape action. I duct taped two toothpicks to splint the 90 degree break. The branch has produced at least two lovely blossoms since its encounter with my shoulder. - Ralph H., Eau Claire, WI

Shake it Up! I had 2 cans of spray paint that needed to be shaken so I duct taped them to the wheels of my self-propelled mower started it up raised the wheels off the ground and Voila! Paint mixed with no effort. - Richard S.

Shirt of the Month:
Duct Tape Diva! Gals told us long ago when we came out with our first book, that they used duct tape as much or more than men - and we've always maintained that it is gender neutral. So we did this shirt design that celebrates the female duct tape user. Available in a number of different feminine shirt styles. Click to the Duct Tape Pro Shop's apparel store. These make GREAT GIFTS!

Got an idea for a shirt? Look through our apparel offerings. If you don't see your idea, and we haven't used it in the past, we just might use it. If we produce it, we will send you a free shirt. (email your idea to - put "shirt idea" in the subject line)

Be Creative!
Want to be more creative? Stuck in a rut at your job? Need to lube your brain? Use the tried and true methods that have fueled the Duct Tape Guys for the past ten years with the Duct Tape Guys' FREE brainstorming curriculum. It makes a great teaching tool. We've posted it here for use by teachers, students... heck, anyone can use it!
Your caption?

Click to enter our photo caption contest! Click the link to see our previous monthly caption contest winners, too!

Thanks, Johnny! "Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. … Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. … Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. … And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head — this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." - Johnny Carson

The Senior Special...
(Truth is stranger - and often funnier - than fiction.)

A senior went into a restaurant which featured a "Seniors' Special" - two eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and toast for $1.99.
"That sounds good to me," the senior told the server, "But I don't want the eggs."
The server informed the senior that no eggs would consititute ordering ala care and would then be $3.49.
"You mean I'd have to pay more for not taking the eggs?" the senior questioned. "Then give me the special!"
The server asked, "How would you like your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell." the senior replied - and went home with two eggs.

Einstein and his Chauffeur
[An urban tale, but funny, nonetheless...]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Cows from a Socio-Economic Political Point of View

DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIAN CORPORATION You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The NY Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

LightBulb Joke Ala Bush
QUESTION: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ANSWER: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a deliberate misstatement of the facts and a spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Note to the down-Right reactionaries: During the Clinton administration, I published jokes and created parody graphics involving President Clinton - as I have done since the Kennedy administration. I am an equal opportunity satirist. - Tim

Click here to see Tim's latest Duct Tape Pros cartoons.

If you spot duct tape - snap a photo and send it to us.
We'll add it to our Duct Tape Sightings pages. Make sure you tell us where the shot was taken!

RANDOM WINNER: The random winner of a duct tape book in this issue: Ralph Hutchens - Congratulations! Email us your postal mailing address and we will send you an autographed Duct Tape Book.

Well, that’s it for this issue of "Duct Tape on a Roll" Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list.

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May the Tape be with you!
- Jim and Tim - The Duct Tape Guys

Click here for archived On a Roll Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05,

Tim (left), Jim (other left).