The "BADGE of HONOR" If you've sent us something that we have used on our site, grab the graphic above and post it on your site and in your emails.
If you have a joke or story that you would like to submit for inclusion in our next newsletter, email it to us. Just make sure it's suitable for all ages (we don't publish anything off-color). Thanks again!
Quotes of the month:
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.
"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech." - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.
Soapbox presents Tim's personal opinions about serious issues that he feels are of importance.
Who will speak up for me? Click here to read Tim's thoughts on the matter.
Trivia: Each year people buy enough dDuck® brand duct tape to cover the entire surface of the Sears Tower in Chicago 50.8 times. That's enough tape to stretch to the moon 1.2 times. Perhaps if we made a duct tape tether line from the earth to the moon or to the space station, we could just shimey up the line and forget the need for shuttles to bring us to the moon and/or the space station...
Cookin' with Duct Tape:
Tim grew up enjoying these fun little puffed up muffins. Hot from the oven and filled with melted butter and a glob of strawberry preserves. But you can do so much more with them.
click to our "Cookin's with Duct Tape" page
Duct Tape Dad Stories
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Duct Tape Post Cards!
GEAR UP NOW for Halloween!
Before we get into the September Duct Tape on a Roll newsletter, please consider clicking the link above to make a donation to the American Red Cross - it's the best way that we can help with the tragic devastation of Hurricane Katrina.
"It's the seventh book in our Trilogy" - The Duct Tape Guys
Jim and Tim have put on their duct tape thinking caps and come up with both practical and practically impossible ways that duct tape can solve problems from broken toasters to broken hearts. Based on the most popular section of their web site, "Stump the Duct Tape Guys" is comprised of real questions from real people. Sure, some of these real people are as wacky as the Duct Tape Guys; never the less, the questions and answers in Stump provide a ridiculously fun read.
Here's are a couple of examples:
I'm in science class and I just threw a beaker of sulfuric acid at the door and made a big hole in the door. If I try to put duct tape on it the duct tape will just melt. What should I do?
Quick! Sit in a chair and wrap duct tape around your feet. Then put a strip over your mouth and eyes. Finally, put your hands behind the chair and wrap the tape around your wrists. When the teacher returns to the classroom and finds you, explain that some vandals overpowered you while doing your lab assignment. This should get you off the hook for the damage to the room. Have your teacher clean up the acid mess they’re trained to do that. DTG
I've got a hot date this weekend and want to impress her, How could I use duct tape to my advantage but not let it steal my spotlight?
Duct tape the entire inside of your car. Make silvery vinyl seats, silver dash board, woven silver headliner, duct tape roll can holders on the dash... take it to the limit. If your “Duct Tape Limo” handiwork doesn’t impress her that you are a quality, caring guy, dump her and find a gal that appreciates duct tape as much as you do. Compatibility in relationships is paramount to life-long happiness. DTG
Get the idea? It's more of the creative (yet breathtakingly stupid) fun that you've come to expect from the Duct Tape Guys.
As for endorsements, perhaps that best one so far has come from Jim's wife, Kelly. "This book (as opposed to the other books in the Duct Tape Book series), I can actually sit down and read. It's more like a book."
So, after seven books, The Duct Tape Guys apparently now know how to write a book. What's next, a novel?
Practical Joke du Jour (du Month)
What a Trip! Trip Uhalt is a friend that we've made through our duct tape web site. He is a video producer for the Fox station (we'll forgive him for that) in Colorado Springs. Trip's humor has won him so many of our caption contests that we quit sending him prizes - we just promised to buy him a really nice lunch when we eventually go to Colorado Springs. We decided to give Trip his own page on our site. You can check out with a few of Trip's duct tape travel uses by clicking here.
I thought I would pass along something I learned when we recently drove across the country with our family. After a long stretch in the car, it's good to let your children get out and run around. However, if you
Meet us at The Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories.
Just like these people did:
Sports Bra on a Roll I have always been EXTREMELY athletic, and found puberty to be very upsetting when I started to get boobs. While most women desire to have bigger boobs, I would KILL to be completely flat-chested. Wearing a bra was such a hindrence because, (no matter how comfortable of a bra I could find), my shoulder movement was still restricted to some degree. I did many sports - competitive horseback riding, basketball, competitive running, racketball, and biking to name just a few. Well, after about a month of wearing a bra, I was sick and tired of having my shoulder movement restricted and my athletic performance effected. So - you guessed it - I resorted to the 8th wonder of the world - duct tape! I wrapped my boobs and it was like magic!!! It only took 1-2 weeks to perfect a "wrapping" style that gave me the support I needed and the freedom of my arm/shoulder movement. Not only that, (other than the initial 1-2 weeks), I actually find it comfortble!!! Right now I am 24 years old and have been wearing duct tape since 7th grade. - annonymous but comfortable athlete
Glacial cooling kept at bay... Kathy M. of Mechanicsburg, PA was vacationing in Alaska. Their cottage door didn't seal correctly allowing the cool breezes off of the nearby glacier to cool their cottage beyond a comfortable level. To stay warm at night, she used duct tape to seal the door frame.
Tick Removal In the forest in the midwest, we often run into ticks. And, in the late summer you're prone to get seed ticks--these are newly hatched babies, smaller than a period a the end of a sentence. When you get them, you usually get thousands, which were hanging in a clump a the end of a blade of grass and they start as a black spot that spreads to brown to thousands of individual dots. Water is NO HELP in getting the crawlers off, but if you wrap duct tape around your hand sticky side out, you can just pat them off! (Sand also works, if you're dumb enough to find yourself without duct tape). -Adam
Shirt of the Month:
Got an idea for a shirt? Look through our apparel offerings. If you don't see your idea, and we haven't used it in the past, we just might use it. If we produce it, we will send you a free shirt. (email your idea to firstname.lastname@example.org - put "shirt idea" in the subject line)
IDIOT SIGHTINGS - "I see dumb people"
Whether this is an actual job application that a 75-year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart in Arkansas or not, we think it's funny. And (rumor has it), they hired him because he was so funny.
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
Sites recommendations for your amusement:
Dog Judo - http://www.dogjudo.co.uk/
Big Ad - http://www.bigad.com.au/ Crank up the volume! It's safe (It's a very funny/impressive/clever beer ad from Australia.).
Click here to see Tim's Duct Tape Pros cartoons.
|If you spot duct tape - snap a photo and send it to us. We'll add it to our Duct Tape Sightings pages. Make sure you tell us where the shot was taken!|
|Well, that’s it for this issue of "Duct Tape on a Roll" Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: http://www.ducttapeguys.com/list so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list.
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May the Tape be with you!
Click here for archived On a Roll Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05, 2/05, 3/05, 4/05, 5/05, 06/05, 7/05, 08/05,
Tim (left), Jim (other left).