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Quotes of the Month:
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Got a Duct Tape Lover on your Holiday Gift List?
Tim's ART Online
Check these out:
Theo Jansen: The Art of Creating Creatures - a TED Talk that deals with a guy that creates creatures that actually learn! Incredible!
Deck the... EVERYTHING! With Duct Tape!
Make a lovely candle holder: Stick your pillar candles in rolls of duct tape with green and red duct tape holly leaves and berries attached around the perimeter of the roll. Or, make your own multi-wicked pillar candles by duct taping together a bunch of burned-down candle nubbins (usually found in the junk drawer).
Speed holiday party clean-up duties by wrapping the feet of guests with duct tape, sticky-side-out, as they enter your house. All night long they will be picking up trash as they mill about.
How about getting a bigger haul from Santa this year? Duct tape a dryer hose extention to the top of your stocking (shown in right column).
Make your own Yule Logs out of old newspapers tightly rolled and bound with red and green duct tape.
Where can you get colored duct tape? Look for Duck® brand tapes at your local hardware store, home improvement center, or at most Michael's craft stores coast to coast.
And finally, nothing will assure that you get your share of holiday kissing like this clever invention (successfully implemented by Tim at last year's holiday party): A mistletoe holder. Duct tape a stick to your head with mistletoe duct taped to the end of the stick hanging about six to eight inches in front of your face. Get ready for some rapid-fire smoochin’!
From the Arizona Republic, this question: “Last year, sometime around the holidays, somewhere I read or heard the directions on how to make a Christmas wreath out of red and green duct tape. Now I don't remember how I heard or knew about this."... Can you help me?”
Duct tape: It's like Martha Stewart on a roll - only a lot less irritating
This newsletter is sponsored in part by Duck brand Duct Tape - Home of The Original Duck Tape Club.
Our hideous Holiday greeting card returns!
When we sold our house in Connecticut, there was an interesting clause in the contract that was presented to us by the buyer's attorney - "Seller shall inform the Buyer of information that... the property contains or is believed to contain a spirit, ghost or other apparition." I kid you not, it actually said that. Well, I was a little concerned about this so I got the advice of a friend of mine who is a top notch New York lawyer. He told me to respond that I had never received written notice of the existence of any ghosts, spirits or apparitions. I think that was good advice.
We went for pizza with a four year old friend of ours named Mouse. Her parents were not with us but apparently they had told her not to have any drinks containing sugar. When the waiter came to take her order she said, "I will have water because my parents are not here but I do have parents". When the waiter suggested that her parents would never find out she said, "I am obeying the law".
I saw a pawn shop that was having a grand opening. How does that work? Does the owner just bring stuff from home?
How did they make the first blacksmith's hammer?
And finally, here is a helpful hint for living and this one could literally save your life. No matter how delicious they are and how good an idea it seems at the time. When you are stopping for lunch on a long car trip with your family, never, and by that I mean never, order the family sized roasted garlic appetizer. True story!
Dale's Website Discovery
This month I present two websites that were recommended by my lovely wife, Katie, who I married. Even though each and every idea she has and every suggestion she makes are worthy of publication, I will probably not do this every month so please make the most of this.
This site features incredible puzzle boxes and inlaid wood products that are truly beyond belief. While this pales in comparison to seeing them in person, they are still pretty cool to see here: kagenschaefer.com/
Did you ever take one of those tests where you have to figure out what an unfolded box would look like? Well, imagine unfolding a castle. How about unfolding a hummingbird? petercallesen.com/
Several months ago I suggested a web site of Chuck Norris facts which turned out to generate more fan mail and comments than any other website discovery yet (who would have thought?). Well, for those of you who just can't seem to get enough Chuck, here is what happens when you try to do a search on Google for Chuck Norris. clients.arranschlosberg.com/chuck/
Meet us at The Duct Tape Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories. Just like these people did:
Card Table. (left) My roommate and I needed a table to play cards on in our dorm room. So we grabbed two old pizza boxes, two of those popcorn tins from Christmas, and a roll of duct tape and made this, complete with four drink holders and removable top for storage. - thanks to Marc C., Tucker, GA
Creative Quality Control. I was a quality control inspector for 16 years with General Dynamics Corp in Quincy, Ma. To beat the ship launch schedules we would DUCT TAPE all the plating seams above the waterline and paint them over to blend in, and it made the ship look good, then remove it later and weld them. - George L.
Soften the Blow
Letterbox on a Roll. To view all of your television programs with that wide screen theater feeling simply place a couple of strips of black duct tape on the top and bottom of your television screen. --- Brian B., Temple GALetterbox on a Roll. wide screen theater feeling simply place a couple of strips of black duct tape on the top and bottom of your television screen. - Brian B., Temple GA
Bubba's Prayer Request
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?" Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."
Some people are like Slinky’snot good for much of anything, but it sure brings a smile to your face when they are pushed down the stairs!
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
|Well, that’s it for this issue of "Duct Tape on a Roll" Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: http://www.ducttapeguys.com/list so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list.
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May the Tape be with you!
Click here for archived On a Roll Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05, 2/05, 3/05, 4/05, 5/05, 06/05, 7/05, 08/05, 09/05, 10/05, 11/05, 12/05, 01/06, 2/06, 3/06, 4/06, 5/06, 6/06, 7/06, 8/06, 9/06,10/06,11/06, 12/06, 1/07, 2/07, 3/07. 4/07, 5/07, 6/07. 7/07, 8-9/07, 10-11/07,
Tim (left), Jim (other left).