I play the ukulele in our Duct Tape Guy stage show. On our first trip, the airlines did a number on the instrument by dropping a suitcase on the duffelbag that the uke was in. The body of the uke cracked in three pieces. Well, I wasn't broken, it just lacked duct tape. I taped the body back together. Now, it not only sounds better (more of a mellow tone), but it looks like one of those expensive steel guitars (only smaller). So, repair boldly and proudly with duct tape. Let the tape show. Like a teddy bear that gets worn, it is a step toward your violin becoming “real.” --- The Duct Tape Guy

There are a number of ways to fix that hole. One, that is mentioned in our books and calendars is to send up a few cases of blue duct tape on the next space shuttle and have them tape a giant patch over the hole. The other utilizes Bubble Wrap® and duct tape. Get a huge sheet of Bubble Wrap (or duct tape together lots of small pieces), duct tape around the edges with half of the tape stickem exposed. Now fill the bubbles of the Bubble Wrap with helium. The patch will float up into place and the duct tape around the edges will keep the patch in place. --- The Duct Tape Guy

I am a self-educated Leopard Gecko named Gex. I hop out of my cage occasionally and get on the Internet. I came across this site. I think I can stump you with this one. I eat crickets. Big and small. The small ones aren't satifying, but they do. The big ones...that's another story. They are extremely delish! But at a price. If I get one in my throat, it jumps and tries to escape. Being a Leopard Gecko, I can be stressed out easily. And if I am too stressed out, my tail falls off. So, how can I, using duct tape, solve the problem of the jumping crickets? --Gex

Wow! I’ve never talked to a lizard before! Here’s how to deal with the big crickets: Line the bottom of your cage with duct tape sticky-side-up. When the big crickets get stuck to the tape, drop a rock on their head rendering them unable to jump. Then you can dine without having your food jumping out of your throat. And if your tail does happen to fall off, just duct tape it back on. --- The Duct Tape Guy

My plan involves evangelizing your stepmom on the gospel of duct tape. Once you have shared the many uses of duct tape with her, and present her with her own roll, you two will have something in common. Create a challenge of coming up with four new uses for duct tape each time you get together. It will give you something to talk about and she will start looking forward to your visits. --- The Duct Tape Guy

You are approaching the situation wrong. Don’t duct tape your daughter to the toilet seat! Use duct tape as the reward for going “big girl potty!” Just have a roll of duct tape and a little chart in the bathroom next to her potty chair. Whenever she makes an effort to go potty, give her a little square of duct tape to put on the chart. If she goes number two, give her two squares! She will be potty trained in no time! --- The Duct Tape Guy

First of all, WD-40 removes that duct tape gunk off nicely. Just spray it on, let it sit a moment, then wipe it off. As for your sister and the computer use... put a little piece of red duct tape on the number 12 and piece of green duct tape at the number 6 on a clock that is duct taped to the wall right over the computer screen. When the big hand hits the red tape, your sister has to stop and relinquish computer use to you. When the big hand reaches the green tape, you have to stop and give your sister a turn. Hope that helps. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Since your situation has neither duct tape or WD-40 I can see why you have a problem. To get this monkey off of your back, go out to your local hardware store and get yourself a roll of duct tape (the length is usually listed right on the core of the roll) and a can of WD-40. There you have your rope and pulley substitutes in two multi-use products. You can even make a vest and a leash for your monkey with the duct tape. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Now thousands upon thousands of men (and women) have been packed into the few prisons in Rwanda. There are so many residing within the walls of Kegali prison that most of them people never get a chance to walk around or stretch their limbs. Because the courts in Rwanda are so backed up with all the trials to be dealt with, and because of the exremely small number of lawyers in the country, most of the people imprisoned have no hope of ever receiving a trial, much less a fair one, and can expect to die in prison.

How can duct tape be used to ensure a speedy and fair trial for the people imprisoned in Rwanda, create more living space in Kegali prison, and prevent the atrocities of genocide from ever occuring on planet Earth again? --- kristin

OK... It seems that some of you are missing the point of this "HUMOR SITE." Please phrase your questions so we are not attempting to derive humor, or win fabulous prizes, by capitalizing on hideous atrocities inflicted upon some of Earth’s less fortunate citizens, or from disease and/or death. --- The Duct Tape Guy Read the Stump Rules prior to submitting

I don’t know why you want to pull them out... but, all you have to do is dry off the tooth (so the duct tape sticks) and attach one end of a twelve foot strip of duct tape to the tooth and the other end to the back of a drag racing vehicle. When the light hits green, your tooth (and probably the whole side of your head) will be removed. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Only duct tape and a pork chop is required to get Porky back. Duct tape the pork chop to your chin. Your dog will find you. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Take turns duct taping your friend to your leg for a day. That way, she will find it impossible to feel ignored. And it will also force her to work cooperatively in maintaining the friendships. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Although it is probably true that each of these products are the result of divine inspiration, I can’t say that either can get you into heaven.

It's my understanding that belief in Jesus Christ as the Son of God and acceptance of his sacrifice for us all is what makes you right and acceptable in the eyes of God - thereby gaining you entrance into heaven. That’s all that's required to “get into heaven.” All the good deeds that you could ever do with duct tape or WD-40, while it may help out people here on earth, won’t get you an inch closer to heaven. (Although, if you don’t want to try the prescribed method of entrance, you might want to duct tape yourself to someone you know is going.)

Duct Tape and WD-40 are meant for problems and situations on this earth. Which is what you are supposed to be stumping me with. - The Duct Tape Guy

If you duct tape the top of a pan, barrell, or oatmeal container, you’ve got yourself a drum. If you duct tape a funnel to a hose, you’ve got yourself a horn. Duct tape a broomstick to an upside down wash tub and fold a lenth of duct tape into thirds and attach one end to the top of the broom handle and the other to the middle of the wash tub, presto! You’ve got yourself a gut-bucket. --- The Duct Tape Guy

 I’m surprised that a paramedic (most of whom are duct tape pros) didn’t use the ounce of prevention of duct taping the outside of the bowl with bubble wrap to avoid just such a disaster (all of our fine china is wrapped accordingly). Well, too late now. You’ll have to duct tape your feet sticky-side-out and walk around on the broken glass until it is all picked up (watch out so you don’t slip on the Jello). --- The Duct Tape Guy

 I’m no doctor, but the first thing that comes to mind is “The Insulin Patch.” Get yourself some insulin and duct tape it to your arm (like those quit smoking patches). The insulin might just trickle into your body at a rate that would enable you to not need those shots. Then, on the other hand, it might kill you. So, I might have figured out a workable answer, on the other hand you may have me

Alright, I’ve handled this one before. Break ups are often caused by “duct tape envy.” A situation when one partner doesn’t share the duct tape with the other. I know it sounds impossible, but many men feel that duct tape is specifically a “guy thing” and tend to hord the duct tape, or keep it hidden in that special drawer to the right of the workbench. Well, come on guys! Duct tape is gender neutral! Share the tape! Or, better yet, give your mate her own roll. DMXluv32, you didn’t specify if you were male or female, but I’m sorry about your broken heart. I suggest that you go out and get a roll of duct tape for yourself, and your ex. Maybe this gift will patch things up and get you on the right road to a long relationship. --- The Duct Tape Guy

It is common knowledge that there are holes appearing in the ozone layer that surrounds the earth. The result of these holes is increased UV radiation that can damage skin and eyes. I wonder how this problem can be fixed with duct tape or WD-40. --- Troy Preslar

My solution entails the use of the new blue colored duct tape (by Manco, Duck brand). What we need to do, the next time the space shuttle goes up is patch those holes in the ozone layer with blue duct tape - it will blend right in. Until then, I suggest that you cover all of your exposed skin with duct tape (any color will do) and wear dark glasses that are duct taped down to little slits like those German vehicle headlights during WWII. This will minimize your exposure to the UV radiation. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Tim, I entered a competition where I had to try to hit a target 40 feet away with a paper dart. The prize for achieving this feat was $NZ10,000. I managed to hit the target but the underwriting insurance company refuses to pay out. One of the rules was no outside interference. They say the dart's flight was wind assisted. Can duct tape solve my problem? Regards Grahame

Grahame, you have many questions, but that’s okay, and it’s good that you recognize duct tape and WD-40 as the answer to your questions. This one seems like a very unfair ruling by the insurance company. My first inclination was to tell them that you will give them $10,000 if they can stay alive in an isolation booth for 15 minutes with no outside interference. Then, after they come from the box ready to claim their reward, claim that there was air in the box and that would be considered outside interference that allowed them to breath. Then yank their prize purse from their site. They may get the point and decide to award you the prize money dispite the presence of something out of anyone’s control.

At this point, you might consider abducting the insurance underwriter who made the decision, bind and gag him with duct tape and hold him for $10,000 ransom. Good luck. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Here’s a problem that can be avoided next time using both duct tape AND WD-40. Since both of these products where originally developed to deal with unwanted moisture (see history of duct tape, and our WD-40 history). What I would suggest is that you build a huge dam wall (I’m not swearing) out of either 4 by 8 sheets of plywood or refridgerator cartons duct taped together around your work area. Duct tape the entire outside of the dam and spray it down with WD-40. If this contraption doesn’t keep the water away from your study area, you didn’t use enough of these two wonder products! --- The Duct Tape Guy

It’s obvious that: 1) You don’t like your sister, 2) Your sister’s talking is bothering you, and 3) Your sister is Houdini reincarnate. So, 1) Find something that you and your sister have in common (like duct tape), 2) Talk about the virtues of duct tape so her talking isn’t so bothersome to you, and 3) Profit from your sister’s escape talents - sell her to a carnival sideshow. --- The Duct Tape Guy

You’ve got one of those pesky leaking liquid oxygen tanks, huh? Well, duct tape to the rescue! You may need three or four rolls of the stuff to adequately seal the leak (As I’ve said before, spare the duct tape and spoil the job!), but, if you are the duct tape pro that I think you are, you should be able to stop that leak in no time. - The Duct Tape Guy

 Jim and I have already posted an exhaustive expose on this very issue. Go to Duct Tape Headline News for information about how duct tape can fix the Clinton presidency. - The Duct Tape Guy

 Carl, Carl, Carl... will when you ever learn?! Duct tape your computer to your desk/table so it doesn’t fall off! It’s an ounce of prevention, Carl! I suggest that you try your best to duct tape the components back together, spray the whole thing down with WD-40 to get the electronic knowledge stuff flowing smoothly through the circuitry, and then plug the thing in (stand back, and make sure your homeowner’s insurance is paid up and in effect). --- The Duct Tape Guy

 Clearly, you are either using an inferior brand of duct tape (there are cheapo imposters out there), or the plane is wet (duct tape does not stick to wet), or you are not using enough duct tape (spare the duct tape, spoil the job). So figure out which is your situation and try again. If at first you don’t succeed, duct tape it some more. --- The Duct Tape Guy

First of all, my compliments on your work in those Halloween movies! Scary stuff! As for the airplanes, put a little bit of duct tape towards the rear bottom of the plane. This will tip it up providing more lift, and avoid nose-first crash landings. Spray the air in front of the plane with WD-40 just prior to flight. This will reduce friction and put a very light coating on the plane which will lead to a longer flight. Good luck. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Duct Tape the cat to the toilet until the problem passes. Or, better yet... yeah, go with that idea of putting the cat down. --- The Duct Tape Guy

I’m no female, but I can imagine that female cramps are the closest thing that a female experiences to getting kicked in the privates. To prevent that from happening, I have duct taped a plastic salad bowl to the crotch of my pants. It’s kind of a comedia del arte look (you know that Italian comic theatre stuff). So try the duct tape and salad bowl idea. Let me know if it works. --- The Duct Tape Guy

 Obviously, RayK, you missed Snowfort Building 101 where they instructed you as to the “cheat method” of getting large appliance boxes and covering them entirely in white duct tape thus avoiding the need for snow all together. Well, live and learn. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Spare the duct tape and spoil the job. Just super tape the bowl - it will look like a fine pewter serving service. As for the melting - make sure the tape you are using is certified as DUCT tape - to be called DucT, it has to meet certain heat resistance standards (as it is used on duct work). So, my thinking is that you have been using a non-certified duct tape substitute. --- The Duct Tape Guy

 I once had a ram that kept butting me with his horns. I duct taped a pillow over the horns and cut down considerable on the bruising.Since the D in D-RAM probably stands for Duct, I see no reason why you can’t just tape the two halves together and go about your business. --- The Duct Tape Guy

I currently have the flu. How can I use duck tape and/or wd-40 to get rid of the flu? Sick in Bed. --- Theodore McKinley

 I’m no medical expert, but when I have the flu, I use duct tape over both ends and go to work as usual. Since WD-40 isn’t to be taken internally, and since you are already probably loose enough, avoid trying to use that in the fix. --- The Duct Tape Guy

 Sorry about your legs. I have no idea what a ROTORBLADE is, but I imagine that it has probably been outlawed in most states. Get out your duct tape, grab a couple of two by fours, and duct tape them to your leg stumps. To the bottom of these, duct tape a pair of shoes. Now, you will be able to walk around at normal height again. In fact, you could even add a foot or so to your height just to impress your girlfriend. She’ll soon be proud to be seen with 'the freak.' Who knows, you might also get a contract with the ABA! --- The Duct Tape Guy

 Your personal inside your body engine... Stiff joints? Just spray a little WD-40 on them. Flabby middle? Duct Tape yourself into the shape you desire. Soon your self-esteem will follow and you’ll be in great shape. Now, if you are talking about your car engine... The engine is full of moving and non-moving parts. So, just remember two things: If it moves and it isn’t supposed to move, duct tape it. If it doesn’t move and it’s supposed to, WD-40 it. The engine should be working fine in no time, and at very little expense. --- The Duct Tape Guy

My sink keeps dripping and it keeps me awake at night. Without totally sealing off the faucet with duct tape, how can I remedy the situation? --- Marge Johnson, Roanoke, VA

 Take a strip of duct tape and connect it to the faucet head and let the length of the tape dangle onto the sink basin floor. The water will quietly trickle down the duct tape and into the drain without making that annoying dripping noise. Sleep tight! --- The Duct Tape Guy

 Duct Tape over the moustache and give it a good rip! It’s bikini waxer on a roll. (Note: Your boyfriend may not want to kiss you for a few days after trying this hint.) --- The Duct Tape Guy

Sorry about your grandpa passing on. If he was a duct tape user (like most dads and grandpas tend to be) maybe just being around duct tape will keep memories of him alive. Your fabulous gift is in the mail. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Make little duct tape slippers for your dog so his/her claws don’t scratch the floor. Either that, or just duct tape entirely over your wood floor. --- The Duct Tape Guy

Page 5 of the archives click here