Got a good joke/story that you want to share? E-mail Bit-O-Humor your best material
(nothing blue please - we won't post it here). This page is a continuation of the Clean Jokes front page.

Redneck’s Little Instruction Manual

PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

January 1, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next paycheck will reflect payment of
$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing Dept.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in movie theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

Women believe that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

Men, on the other hand, think that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

If you throw your cat out your window.....does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn... what does baby oil come from?
When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?
Why do they put braile on the drive up atm machines?
If nothing sticks to teflon... how do they get teflon to stick to the pan?
How do they get the deer to cross between the yellow road signs?
If it is tourist season... why cant we shoot them?
What is another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for leathal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why do kamikazi pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannables don’t eat clowns cause they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non handicaped people at the special olympics?
Why do they call it a tv set... if you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a stealth bomber crashes in the woods... does it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Should vegatarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetary workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?
If 7-11's are open 24 hours a day why are there locks on the doors?

Interview the authors of “The Warning Label Book” call Chris Ahearn at St. Martin’s Press (800-221-7945 ext. 506) for a review copy and to schedule an interview. Click here for an interview briefing.

Ten Holiday Uses for Duct Tape
by Tim—the Duct Tape Guy author of The Duct Tape Book(s)
10. Hang stockings from the chimney with Duct Tape
9. Fasten decorative lights to railings of house with Duct Tape
8. Thin strips of Duct Tape make great self-adhering tinsel
7. Cover the inevitable gift fruit cake with Duct Tape and use as door stop
6. Wrap gifts in Duct Tape for the gift that says, “Open me... eventually.”
5. Cover Christmas tree boughs with green Duct Tape to prevent needles from dropping
4. Control that hideous holiday weight gain... Duct Tape over your mouth
3. Duct Tape over the names in last year’s greeting cards and resend them
2. Duct Tape over an old suit or dress to make shiny holiday formal wear
1. Duct Tape great grandpa upright in his chair
===
TO BOOK AN INTERVIEW with TIM—the Duct Tape Guy call 651-482-0700
for review copies call Julie in Marketing at 800-247-6789
• Complete INTERVIEW BREIFINGS click here.

you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...
snow tires come standard on all your cars...
you refer to the Packers as "we"...
at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...
you can make sense out of the words upnort and Trivers...
you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
you can identify a Michigan accent...
you know what "cow-tipping" is.....
you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike...
"Down South" to you means Chicago...
traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee...
the "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR...
you were offended by the movie "Fargo"...
you know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.....
you have no problem spelling Milwaukee..
you consider Madison "exotic"..
you got a passport to go to Minnesota...
your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers...
you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon...
you've seen a hodag...
you know that Gotham is a real city...
you can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc...
you know what a bubbler is.....
the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your bluespruce...
your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed...
a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...
you go out for fish fry every Friday...
you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts...
you can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving...
when you tell someone where you are from and they say: "I thought that was part of Canada."
Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive in a giant beer mug...
your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...
you know how to polka....
you drink "soda" and refer to your dad as "pop"...
formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...
you tried to tap the "World's Largest Six Pack"...
your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a "trip to Door County."
you were unaware there is a legal drinking age...
you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...
you have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark...
you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend...
your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...
you know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it...
you can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London and Poland all in one afternoon...
you have more fishing poles than teeth...
you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend...
you have been involved in a "drive-by hay bailing".....

More anagrams - This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
The Anagram:
A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

A Policeman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The Policeman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Policeman was dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Policeman.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!" - Thanks to Matt Thenell once again

Ten Best Automotive and Bike Repair Tools of All Time (author unknown)

1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from Le Mans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
See Duct Tape on the Web (and interview Jim and Tim - the Duct Tape Guys, authors of "The Duct Tape Books" - call Tim @651-482-0700)

2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. Spray Lubricant (WD-40): A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of
these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
See WD-40 on the Web (and interview Jim and Tim - the Duct Tape Guys, authors of "The WD-40 Book" - call Tim @651-482-0700)

4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the bike looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the seat, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and
radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with
which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used bikes, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the tank.

7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also
the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as BSA muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with BSA, Triumph, and other single and vertical twins set.

9. Bonking Stick: - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10.A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See #1 above.

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day..... (thanks to Mark Luhmann for forwarding this item)

Here's hoping your day is better than any of these!

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) You may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "k" in "kwality"
9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than having to ask "You want fries with that?"
17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
19) If at first you don't succeed, try management.
20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22) This can't go on forever. Even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.
23) Never quit --- until you have another job.
24) TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Interview The Warning Label Book authors click here

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
14. For sale: Three canaries of undermined sex.
15. Great dames for sale.
16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
17. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
18. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
19. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
20. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
21. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
22. Man, honest. Will take anything.
23. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
24. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
25. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
26. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
27. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
28. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
29. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
30. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

- thanks again Matt

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for thenight, Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically," Watson replied, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
"Somebody stole our tent."

To that end, The Duct Tape Guys have come up with these ideas to help restore the Clinton Presidency:

• Duct tape the presidential briefs on.
• Restore credibility by speaking about the virtues of duct tape.
• Duct tape Bill to Hillary’s leg for the rest of his term.
• Restore the dignity of the oval office by installing duct tape wallpaper borders.
• A strip of duct tape across the First Mouth puts an end to presidential perjury.
• Put an end to terrorism by restraining terrorists with duct tape and forcing them to listen to Bill’s grand jury testimony.
• Fix the deficit by repairing stuff with duct tape instead of buying new at those inflated Pentagon prices.
• Duct tape chastity belt required on all interns.
• Cover Monica’s gift tie with duct tape as a symbol of putting it all behind.
• Concentrate on matters at hand by wearing duct tape blinders.
• Remember, duct tape means never having to say you are sorry. Which is perfect for Bill, since he seems to have trouble saying that he’s sorry.

"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your field in ten seconds, will you give me my pick of a sheep?"
The farmer agrees and the guy glances about and reports, "1,529 sheep!"
"That's amazing!" the farmer replied, "How did you know that!?"
"It's a secret. Now, can I have my pick?"
"You earned it!" said the farmer. And the guy went over and picked up one of the animals.

As he was walking back to his car, the farmer yelled, "You're Swedish (whatever nationality you wish) aren't you?"
The man stopped dead in his tracks, "That's amazing! How did you know that!?"
The farmer replied, "Can I have my dog back?"

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hardcore exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material, such as books.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it.
Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD Job: A "GetOutOfDebt" job. A wellpaying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

These aren't jokes per say, but actual quotes from the "salary is inversely proportional to IQ" crowd:

"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."
Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ

"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."
Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"He fakes a bluff."
Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer

"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."
Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch

"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."
Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer

"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."
Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team

"His reputation preceded him before he got here."
Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager, commenting on a Phillies' ten-game losing streak

"We are experiencing audio technicalities."
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air."
Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air

"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."
Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator

"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."
Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the scoreboard on air.

"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion."
Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports
quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players

"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

The following quote was made a few years ago by a Montreal Expos ball player, who was not named by the reporter (the player might have been Larry Walker):
In reference to another player's mental faculties, the player replied, "He ain't no rocket surgeon."

'Whispering' Ted Lowe once said, "And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue."

"Formation drowning."
Alan Parry referring to synchronized swimming

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
Yogi Berra

"I'm wearing these gloves for my hands."
Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return it."
Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"

"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

"The similarities between me and my father are different."
Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

(That's about as blue as we will accept for this page. Thanks for your contributions.)
HERE WE GO - Newer jokes are at the top.

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results.
The Doctor said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally,
emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!
...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented the Doctor, 'That's incredible!"

A little later in the day the Doctor called George's wife.
'Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe
of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the
bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?'"

Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Thanks to Hektor7

Three old guys were sitting on the park bench talking.

One guy says, "I've got a problem. Every morning I wake up at 5:30 and having to pee. So, I go into the bathroom and I
just can't pee."

The next guy says, "I've got a similar problem. Every morning I wake up at 6:00 and have to go number two. But when I
go to the bathroom, I'm constipated."

The third guy says, "Not me, I pee every morning at 6:00 and have a successful bowel movement at 6:30. The problem is, I don't wake up until 7:15!"

A guy walks into the doctor's office with a watermelon under his arm, a hot dog stuffed in one ear, green beans shoved up
his nose, a banana stuck in his butt, and a roast turkey drumstick crammed in his other ear.

He says, "Doctor, I'm not feeling very good."

The doctor looks him over and replies, "Well, you're not eating right!"

An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better! "
he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that"?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter.
He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the
bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly."

From William Stevens, ERC Humour List.

Guy at the bar orders a beer, barkeep draws it, fills a bowl of snacks and
tells the guy he'll be at the end of the bar washing glasses if he needs
anything. So while the guy's sipping his brew, he hears a soft voice say
"Hey, nice shirt!"

He looks around...sees no one else in the bar but him and the bartender.
Shrugs, and goes about enjoying his beer....then he hears the voice
again..."I like your haircut!"

The guy says to the barkeep, "You say something to me? I heard a voice!"
Barkeep says "No, I'm just washing glasses"

Guy shrugs again, goes back to the brew....And hears the SAME voice,
saying, "What IS that cologne your wearing? It smells great!"

The guy jumps up..."AWright! What's the deal! There's no one else in the
bar, and I'm hearing voices telling me about my shirt and cologne! What's
up, bartender?"

Barkeep looks over; "OHHHHH....those would be your complimentary peanuts!"

Stolen By: Ron Dewey, WPHM/Port Huron, MI

Hear about the blonde who bought an A.M. radio?
..It took her years to realize she could listen to it at night.

The head gulps it down, and out pops a torso! "Oh my!" says the father.
"Here, have another shot!" Out pops two legs. "Have another son, we're almost there!"
Out pops two arms! A complete boy.
The father, with tears of joy says, "I'm so happy.. let's celebrate my boy.. have another shot!"

The son chugs down another, and drops dead.

The bartender grunted, "He shoulda quit while he was a-head."

Thanks (we think) to: WMIC/WHQQ, Matoon, IL

And, in that same vein:
What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle's back?
"Weeee!"