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Junior Jack Handy Think-Alikes
THE FOLLOWING QUOTES ARE FROM A NEWSPAPER CONTEST WHERE ENTRANTS AGE 4 TO 15 WERE ASKED TO IMITATE "DEEP THOUGHTS BY JACK HANDY":
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
Veronica - Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
Steven - Age 11
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
Brandon - Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Linda - Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
Ricky - Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
Anthony - Age 10
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
Susan - Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Chris - Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
Jason - Age 13
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Thomas - Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
Nancy - Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
Michael - Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Jay - Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
Dennis - Age 15
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be.
Then, I remember it's because he is a lousy singer.
Cynthia - Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
David - Age 15
One for the Gals:
WOMEN'S ANTI-STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
rest of Hershey kisses in bag
1 tub Hagen Daas ice cream with chocolate chip topping
DINNER
4 bottles wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family-size supreme pizza
3 Snickers
LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly form the freezer)
REMEMBER: "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"
Send this to all the women you know or ever knew and you will immediately lose 10 pounds. (I WISH!)
Not funny - just fun stuff to know and tell:
1 - Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
2 - Pearls melt in vinegar.
3 - It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
4 - Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
5 - The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
6 - It's possible to lead a cow up stairs...but not down stairs.
7 - Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
8 - Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
9 - The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to test communications)
10 - The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
11 - No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
12 - "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
13 - Average life span of a major league baseball : 7 pitches.
14 - A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
15 - The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
16 - The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
17 - Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
18 - 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
19 - Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression to "get fired."
20 - Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
21 - Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
22 - An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.
23 - The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
24 - The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
25 - The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
26 - Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
27 - If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
28 - The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
29 - Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
30 - If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
31 - Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
32 - Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
33 - The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
34 - Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
35 - The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
36 - There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Down in Texas...
A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
Random thoughts on Women and Men:
Man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
Woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't need.
Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
Man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Successful man makes more money than his wife can spend.
Successful woman is one who finds such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
Woman marries a man expecting he will change - he doesn't.
Man marries a woman expecting she won't change - she does.
Married men live longer than single men; however, they are also more willing to die.
Married men should forget about their mistakes.
No point in two people remembering the same thing.
The woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
An Irish Family Custom
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the
same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned
in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket , and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"Sounds like you should be grateful."
"Last week my great aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"Then how come you look so glum?"
"This week........ nothing!"
Monastery humor
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now; you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
NORWEGIAN VIRUS
You have just received the "Norwegian Virus."
As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the
honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive,
then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Ole Swensen
Network Administrator
You Betcha Solutions, Inc.
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Well, Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
Kids’ Biblical Recollections
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in).
1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
7. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
8. Samson slayed the hilistines with the axe of the Apostles.
9. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
10. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
11. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
12. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
13. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
14. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
15. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
16. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
17. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
18. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
19. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
20. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
21. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Bumper Stickers we'd like to See:
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A old businessman was on his deathbed, and called for his friend to come to his side.
"Bill," he said weakly, "I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"Yes, my friend, I will," his friend replied. "And what do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
