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Subject: HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE...

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

6. Insist that your e-mail address be: xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

11. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

13. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'blackmail payment'.

14. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

15. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

16. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

17. Dont use any punctuation

18. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

19. Ask people what sex they are.

20. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

21. Sing along at the opera.

22. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

23. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

24. Rave to everyone that you know about how much you love lemonade...drink lemonade in front of them...do this for about a week, then come in one day with your face painted yellow. From then on talk about how much you hate lemonade.

25. Take off your shoes, glue them to the ceiling, then when someone's about to walk into the room, lie down underneath them, look up, and rub your head.

26. Collect all the yellow moons out of Lucky Charms boxes and keep them in a shoebox. When anyone asks you why you're doing it, tell them that THEY will be very unhappy if you don't have these when THEY arrive.

So Moses is there on Mt. Sinai, talking to this burning bush. He says, "Let me get this straight, just so I understand completely. WE are the CHOSEN PEOPLE, but the ARABS get all the oil, and WE have to cut off the end of our WHAT????!!!!" --- Thanks to "Lou"

So Moses was up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a lawyer, and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

M0RE You know you've been on-line too long when...

* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy/Mommy's got work to do".
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."

So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.

It's the pig and the cow...

Top 45 Oxymorons:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

another new word: vizeorectumititis:
meaning: the condition which occurs when a membrane develops between your eyes and your butt, giving you a crappy outlook on life.

What's the difference between a pit bull and a woman on PMS? Lipstick What's the difference between a woman on PMS and an Arab terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Thanks to: Lou H

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hand and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

They both remembered his long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally the banker asked, "Preacher why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their golf ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?"

IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY...
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But
I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a
flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year".

Exactly one-year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in
his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did
not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming
I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I
had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the
U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the
Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls, so, no owls. The
carpenters formed a union and went out on strike I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick
up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no
owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued
me. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Engineers demanded
a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am
trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless,
unbelieving people aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice
from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register
the Ark as a "recreational watercraft." Finally, the ACLU got the courts to
issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that
since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore
unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five
or six years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A
rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are
not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

From the "It Doesn't Translate Department:"
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the
campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It
was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO COPS
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good Job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

More Signs from Across America
The following are actual signs:

At truck stops throughout the country: Eat here and get gas
In a Florida maternity ward. No Children Allowed
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.--Sisters of Mercy
In a funeral parlor--Ask about our layaway plan
In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife.
Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

ONLY IN AMERICA (Thanks to Pat Simpson)
1. Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America . . . do people order double cheese burgers, large fries and a diet coke.
5. Only in America . . . do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.
6. Only in America . . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our junk in the garage. Hello...
7. Only in America . . . .do we use answering machines to screen calls and have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America . . .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America . . .do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America . . . do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Three Religious Truths:
1. The Jews don't recognize the Messiah.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.
3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other.

Bonus Truth:
Q: Why do you always invite TWO Baptists to your picnic?
A: Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer and smoke all your cigarettes.
(Compliments of Paul Fryd, via Dale Peterson)

Signs, signs, everywhere signs (thanks to JPRIN@...)

Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic’s Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At A Laundry Shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a Towing Company:
"We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electrician’s truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
" If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist’s Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist’s window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist’s office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher’s window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselor’s office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Guys' Random Thoughts (we asked for 'em, we got 'em):
Thanks here go to Shane Oborn

When I was a kid and company came over, my mom would send me to my room if I acted up. What part of that was a punishment?

My wife thinks that I have a sleeping disorder. I guess I agree. We noticed it the first time during the movie, "Hope Floats."

Having four Sundays in a row, free to sit in front of a 36" TV screen, a bag of chips, a six pack, and a La-Z-Boy sounds like a second honeymoon to me.

If I make my back rubs intentionally painful, then I won't have to do them again.

Can women tell if flowers are from the cemetary?

My wife told me that I had to choose between the football game, or having supper. Is this what they mean by fasting?

That Einstein guy was chosen for man of the century. What a crock, if they cared what anyone else thinks, they would have chosen that guy who came up with the "All You Can Eat" special.

If we're expected to put the toilet seat back down when we're finished, why don't women have to put it back up? - Amen!

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

More advantages of being female:
Thanks to David Sheppard

We got off the Titanic first.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

AND JUST FOR MEN (No letters, please, gals - in your hearts you know this stuff is true!):

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

Misc. Thoughts:

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS..

Clones are people two.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Julius Caesar once said, "VENI, VIDI, VICI: I came, I saw, I conquered." To which Julia replied, "VENI, VIDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little = shopping."

MUSING on CATS - compliments of www.crapco.com (and Carol Ann)

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..........

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm actually quite busy. --- via Trip Uhalt

At the Marital Counseling Session...
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the women, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

More daffynitions compliments of J.Prin:

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official.

WARNING LABELS
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. You know they put some of these warnings on these products because someone was dumb enough to try these retarded acts!!!

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground-MF)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (WOW!!!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (...then breath deeply)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Check our the Warning Label book by Tim, the Duct Tape Guy, Joey Green and Tony Dierckens go to: http://www.octanecreative.com/warning/ - ALL (and this is scarey!) TRUE!!!

TOP 25 SHORTEST BOOKS
COMPLIMENTS of www.crapco.com
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES - by Bill Clinton

Job Application (It worked for him...)
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

The reasons why we don’t understand the English language:

1. We must polish the Polish furniture.
2. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
3. The farm was used to produce produce.
4. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
5. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
6. This was a good time to present the present.
7. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object.
10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
11. The bandage was wound around the wound.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

If you're like me, and I know I am, you like Steven Wright. Here's a classic Steven Wright bit:
"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" - Steven Wright

Drive Carefully
A guy is driving to work when his cell phone rings. "Hi, honey", says his wife, "I was just listening to the traffic report on the radio. There's some lunatic driving the wrong way on the freeway, so be careful!"
The guy replies, "I will, but let me tell you, there's more than one of them -- there's hundreds!"

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm actually quite busy. --- via Trip Uhalt

Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!

Those of you who attend a "contemporary worship service regularily may appreciate this:

The Difference between Hymns and Praise Choruses

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked the wife.

The farmer said, "Well, it's like this. If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn. If on the other hand I was to say to you, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,' well, that would be a praise chorus."

MUSING on CATS

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous
Top 25 Shortest Books

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION

23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT

21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

19. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

12. EASY UNIX

11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE

10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY

7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the World's Number One Shortest book...

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES - by Bill Clinton

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
You bought your wife a new CD-ROM for her birthday
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
You have even saved the power cord from a broken appliance
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
You know what http:// actually stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
You see a good design and still have to change it
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
You window shop at Radio Shack
You're in the back seat of your convertible, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
You know what the geosynchronous satellite’s function is
Your checkbook always balances
Your laptop computer costs more than your car
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
You've already calculated how much you make per second
You've even tried to repair a $5 radio

PEPPERED PREP: Have your listeners help you create your own "Might be a..." list (such as, you might be a radio disc jockey if...). If you come up with some good lists, mail them to us and we will post them on our site. mailto:tim@ducttapeguys.com
A Biblical Exchange:
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation, "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

The Pope and the Queen of England...
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge -- thousands. Her majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry -- both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive.
But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.

Capitol Offense:
Late one night in Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," the thief demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The robber responded, "In that case give me mymoney!"

Can’t Win
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.
So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Stranded
A cruise ship sinks and three men make it to an uninhabited island. The first man, a Christian, tears two branches from a palm tree, creates a cross, and prays to God to be saved from the island.
The second man, a Muslim, pulls several fronds from the palm tree, creates a mat, kneels facing Mecca, and prays to Allah to save him.
The third man falls asleep under the palm tree.
The other two can't understand how this man could remain so calm and serene and ask him how he could be so at ease.
He answers: "Two years ago I gave $1,000,000 to the Jewish Federation. Last year I gave $2,000,000. This year I pledged $3,000,000. Don't worry, they'll find me.

Cannibal Humor
A cannibal ate a priest and got very sick. Upon visiting the witch doctor and telling of his symptoms, the witch doctor asked how he cooked the priest. The canibal replied that he had broiled it.
The witch doctor said, "Well no wonder you're sick, he was a Friar."

Then there was the cannibal who ate the Charismatic Missionary, but threw up his hands.

PEPPERED PREP: Remember the sick jokes that were circulating in the 70s? Baby in a Blender, etc.? Have your listeners call in recalling some of the jokes that stand out from their childhood and teen years.

Forrest Gump's Heaven Entrance Exam
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year? .
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered .....
"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc."
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song ... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own ....., and the prayer ... Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name ..." Saint Peter let him in without another word.

Not so fast, Reverend!
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom." So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line.
He stands erect. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Joseph Snow, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

More Clean Jokes and Misc. Humor - Click Here