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(nothing blue please - we won't post it here). More recent jokes are at the top.
Just look for the pepper symbol for show prep and bits related to the clean, creative humor offered here.
Various Laws of Life:
* Lerman's Law of Technology - Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary - You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives - If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an after thought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search - The first place to look for any thing is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary - It will not be the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation - The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom - The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance - Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living - As soon as you're doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries - There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness - Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair - The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings - If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law - The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law - Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary - All breakdowns occur on the plumbers' day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment - When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law - The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Loftus's Law - Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
* Troutman's Fifth Programming Postulate - If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
* Lovka's Dilemma - You never get away, you only get someplace else.
Peppered Prep: Invite call-ins with more laws or corollaries to these laws
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Misc. Kid Humor
A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
My friend's son raised his hand and said. "I know! I know!, he said.....'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Peppered Prep: Invite call-ins offering cute observations and verbalizations of siblings upon the introduction of a new baby.
Peppered Prep: Get a debate going about cell phone safety. Should people be allowed to use cell phones while operating a motor vehicle? There has been statistics that show that driving while talking on a cell phone is as unsafe as driving while intoxicated.
Peppered Prep: Guys (or Gals) call in offering stuff that only GUYS understand.
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
* A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
* Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
* We can open all our own jars
* Phone conversations last 30 seconds
* We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
* Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight
* When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
* Our last name stays put.
* We can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
* We can kill our own food.
* The garage is all ours.
* We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* We see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
* We never have to clean the toilet.
* We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
* If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
* Our underwear costs $6.50 for a pack of 3.
* None of our co-workers have the power to make us cry.
* We don't have to shave below our neck.
* If we're 34 and single, no one notices.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* Where and when we pee doesn't effect our emotional well-being.
* We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
* Flowers & duct tape - and we can fix everything.
* We never have to worry about other's feelings.
* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
* We can say anything and not worry about what people think.
* We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.
* Car mechanics tell us the truth.
* We don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice our new haircut.
* We can watch a game in silence for hours without our buddy thinking "He must be mad at me."
* One mood, all the time.
* We can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve ourselves to look like him.
* Same work. More pay.
* Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress: $2000. Tux rental: 100 bucks.
* We don't care if someone is talking behind our back.
* We don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.
* If we retain water, it is in a canteen.
* The remote is all ours.
* We need not pretend we're "freshening up" to use the bathroom.
* We can go to the bathroom alone.
* If we don't call our buddy when we said we would, he won't tell our friends I've changed.
* If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we might become lifelong buddies.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* If something mechanical didn't work, we can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
* We think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny. Really funny.
Peppered Prep: All right gals... Get your retribution. Call in with your reasons why it’s good to be a woman (or why it’s good NOT to be a guy).
Following directions the best he could...
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.
"Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do it for about 15 minutes!"
Peppered Prep: Misunderstood Directions. Whether it's medical advise, or road directions, sometimes stories of misunderstood directions can yield some pretty entertaining material. Put out the question to your listeners... "Have you ever misunderstood directions and ended up with a comical situation?"
Genie Humor
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one - none of that three wishes jazz, OK?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said, "No, I don't think I can do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steal and concrete that would be needed. I'm sorry, you will have to choose another wish."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at us so easily, what are their true desires and needs? Basically... what makes them tick?!?"
The genie stared at him and blinked a couple times. "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE
You'd think that aircraft maintenance logs would make for pretty dull reading. Not always.
These are real maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Left inside main tire almost replaced."
Problem: "Test flight okay, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "1FF inoperative."
Solution: "1FF inoperative in OFF mode." > >
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "After brief search, engine found on right wing."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Peppered Prep: If your audience members can identify the meaning of SNAFU they may have some interesting stories of their own to share from military experiences. Open the phone lines!
Peppered Prep: This is a good filler bit - have one DJ ask the question, the other makes up his/her own definition, and then read the definition here. Sometimes, your own definitions will be as funny or funnier. Have listeners call in with their own words and definitions. Award the best a Balderdash game (or a dictionary).FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
These may work better visually than orally, but just the same, they’re funny.
47 RULES FOR WRITERS:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used.
36. Do not put statements in the negative form.
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
38. A writer must not shift your point of view.
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
45. Always pick on the correct idiom.
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.
And Finally...
47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A Child’s Scientific Findings About Ceiling Fans (author unknown)
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
Peppered Prep: Have your listeners call and fax in a new state motto for your state (or motto for your city). Submit the best of the entries to the tourism department (or Chamber of Commerce) live on the air so you can broadcast their reactions.
Peppered Prep (Call-in): We're positive that your listeners at work will have stories that they would love to share. Create a station DUH Award that you can present to the company with the biggest Duh Story as called in by an employee (who will probably choose to remain annonymous).
Peppered Prep (Call-in): Great for stations with more women listeners in their demographics - have mothers (or babysitters, caregivers, call in with their most horrific kid story.
