Bit-O-Humor: Clean Jokes

Got a good joke/story that you want to share? E-mail Bit-O-Humor your best material
(nothing blue please - we won't post it here). More recent jokes are at the top.

Just look for the pepper symbol for show prep and bits related to the clean, creative humor offered here.

Peppered Prep (phoner): Have your callers tell about their WORST job interview experience (this yields some pretty hilarious stories).

Prep Idea: (phoner) What is the worst meal that your spouse ever concocted? Give the winner a gift certificate to the nicest restaurant in town (or to the town’s greasiest spoon).

Prep Idea: Use these statistics as quiz questions. Obviously, some of these fall out of the humorous category, and should be avoided, but, if your format permits, there is plenty of information here to fuel a talk format for hours.

PHONER - Have listeners call in with the oddest thing they've ever had on a pizza.

An elderly woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. Though he looked weathered and feeble, he had a content smile on his face.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a happy life?"
"Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. waving a wrinkled hand through the air, with a smoldering cigarette between his thumb and finger. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing!" said the woman. "So, how old are you?"
"Twenty-six,"

Use these quick quiz questions for a call-in quiz segment on your show. Time restrictions add to the fun - make the caller answer the question in 3 seconds or less to win the prize.

Two young boys were in the hospital pediatric ward awaiting surgery. One appeared very anxious. The second asked the first, "What's the matter?" The first replied, "I'm a little scared. I don't know what's going to happen to me!"
"What are you in for?" the second asked.
"A tonsilectomy" answered the first.
"Oh, that's no problem." the second boy said. "I had that done when I was 6 wears old. They put you to sleep and when you wake up your tonsils are gone and they feed you a bunch of jello and ice cream. It's a snap."
"Boy does that make me feel better." the first boy said.
"Thanks a lot. By the way, what are you in for?" "Oh, something called a circumcision. Do
you know anything about it?" said the second boy.
"Oh geez," said the first. "I had that done when I was a baby, and I couldn't walk for a year."
--- Thanks to: Lou Hansen, RFD Illinois Radio.

Sprinkle these useless facts as seasoning in your liners (or as throw-away lines).

Send out your intern and a group of listeners to the local biker bar and stage a protest. Have your group of protesters dress in furs - the premise of their protest being that it is inhumane to shave the fur off of the hide of dead animals - give your contestants (and the bikers who were involved in the gag) a night on the town. (Don't volunteer to cover any hospital bills from potential brawls.)

Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
Seen upside down, on a Jeep: If you can read this, please flip me back over.
Remember, stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Axe me about Ebonics
Boldly going nowhere
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
In Minnesota: Our Governor can stick more feet in His mouth than your Governor.

PREP IDEA: Lame Excuse Contest: Have your listeners call in and make up a bizarre excuse why they can't come into work that day. Pick the best excuse and have your hosts call their place of employment and deliver the excuse for them. If it works, and they get the day off, give them a hundred buck shopping spree. If it doesn't work, give them $200 bucks to take their boss out to a really nice dinner to apologize.

Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

Roll down your windows and blast TALK RADIO. Headbang.

Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
Or, fill large, clear food storage bags with water and gold fish. Tape these to each of your side windows.

Two words: Chicken suit.

If you have a quickly reclining driver's seat, pull up to an intersection and drop the seat (so you are laying down). Neighboring cars will look over and see no driver.

Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint (The more it looks like blood, the better).

Decorate your car like a parade float.
Get a large, Fiberglas animal and mount it to the top of your car.

Mount a few propane tanks and various hoses and tubing to the top of your car and write "ALTERNATIVE PROPULSION RESEARCH VEHICLE STAY BACK 200 FEET" on your trunk.

Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

Laugh. Laugh a lot. Glance at neighboring cars, and laugh even more.

Give puppet shows out of your side windows and/or sunroof (especially fun while waiting at intersections). More effective if you seem to be either totally oblivious to the puppet, or totally enthralled in the proceedings.

Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

Drive backwards through the bank drive-up teller (especially effective if it is your passenger that needs to make the transaction) Or, drive backwards through the fast-food drive-up window.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave vigorously at people in neighboring cars and at pedestrians.

At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon. (If they say no, offer them some - small packets are available at deli counters.)

Hang twenty or more car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror and drive with a gas mask on.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

When pulled over for driving erratically, jump out of your car flailing your arms yelling, "BEES!" (thanks to the movie, "Tommy Boy")

Flag cars over and compliment other drivers on their driving skill and finesse.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray for roadkill (erecting a little cross at the side of the road).
Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)

Throw little cubes of Spam in other’s car windows at stoplights or while passing.

Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

Get a P.A. system or Megaphone and sing while driving along.

At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off.

PREP HINT: Have your listeners call in with the strangest thing that they have ever seen while driving. Award the strangest with a gift certificate to the local auto parts store.

Absolutely Amazing ANAGRAMS
(An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase (with no letters left over and using each letter only once). The following are absolutely amazing examples of Anagrams. Obviously the product of someone out there who has WAY too much time on their hands (and would probably be a deadly Scrabble opponent).

DORMITORY = Dirty Room
DESPERATION = A Rope Ends It
THE MORSE CODE = Here Come Dots
SLOT MACHINES = Cash Lost in ’Em
ANIMOSITY = Is No Amity
MOTHER IN LAW = Woman Hitler
SNOOZE ALARMS - Alas! No More Z’s
ALEC GUINNESS = GENUINE CLASS
THE PUBLIC ART GALLERIES = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A DECMINAL POINT = I’m a Dot in Place
THE EARTHQUAKES = That Queer Shake
ELEVEN PLUS TWO = Twelve plus one
CONTRADICTION = Accord Not In It

Radio Prep Idea: Have your listeners make anagrams of your morning show's slogan, or morning drive team’s names. Offer a prize(s) for the most creative, and most appropriate anagrams. Who knows, you might even end up with a new slogan for your billboard advertising!

More Chicken Crossing the Road Explanations:

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

PUNK ROCKER: Because it was pinned to my face.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

--- Author unknown.

PREP IDEA: Have a contest to come up with the best Chicken Crossing Joke of the Morning - have your listeners e-mail or fax their jokes in. Award the best with breakfast with your morning crew at the station (have a local restaurant or fast food joint donate the breakfast - featuring, of course, EGGS).

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.

Here is what the kids came up with:
People in glass houses shouldn't..............run around naked
Better to be safe than.................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the.........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?
Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.
No news is.........................impossible.
A miss is as good as a........................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog.....................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you.........will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust........................me.
The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.
An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution.
Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.........................not much.
Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.
None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.
There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
--- Thanks to: Eric Johnson

RADIO PREP IDEA: This may be a bit too long to use on the air, but has some choice elements in it that you might want to excerpt. Also - get the phone lines humming with other stories of revenge on Banks, mail order firms, city hall, etc.

Letter received by a bank recently and printed in the New York Times.
I thought that you might enjoy it - an possibly use it yourself in getting revenge on your own bank. ;-) Have a funny week! - Tim, the Duct Tape Guy

Dear Bank Manager,

l am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am still sleeping.
Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a pass word to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries
brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.

#	Column 1	Column 2	Column 3
0	integrated	management	options
1	total	organizational	flexibility
2	systematized	monitored	capability
3	parallel	reciprocal	mobility
4	functional	digital	programming
5	responsive	logistical	concept
6	optional	transitional	time-phase
7	synchronized	incremental	projection
8	compatible	third-generation	hardware
9	balanced	policy	contingency