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Just look for the pepper symbol for show prep and bits related to the clean, creative humor offered here.
After much careful research at the Octane Humor Laboratories, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt - VertaGogh
The brother who was a compulsive prune eater - Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at the convenience store - Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The brother who habitually bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician cousin - Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin - Amie Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated philosopher uncle - Kant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh
The one-legged pink-skinned uncle in the lawn ornament business - Flaming Gogh
His conceited cousin - E. Gogh
The tropical fruit loving cousin - Mang Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco dancing - Go Gogh
And his sister-in-law who traveled the country in a motorhome - Winnie Bay Gogh
If you know of any other of Vincent’s relatives, drop us a line!
Like these folks did:
His funny talking Uncle with the wood chipper: Far Gogh --- Thanks to: a-me
His Rich Uncle: Lotsa Dough Gogh ---Thanks to: FRANK CRITTENDEN
Get out your Beanie collection, start up the power mower, flip it upside down, and play a fun family game of Power Mower Beanie Toss. (WARNING: Watch out for Beanie shrapnel and keep the kids at safe distance.)
Stitch two Beanies together, paws to paws, to make a plush can cooler.
Cut off the hind legs, empty out the guts, and make Dad a nice set of golf club covers.
Dad keep loosing the gas cap? Stuff a Beanie down the filler tube to prevent gas fumes from escaping.
Make a plush padded seat. Simply glue Beanies around the rim (Avoid the Lion though, the fuzzy mane tickles).
Nothing puts a fine buffed wax shine on Dad’s car like Beanies on the end of a power drill.
Customize Dad's car with a plush Beanie-hide Landau roof.
You know that Beanie that's been replacing the gas cap? After about a week, you can toss it into the barbecue grill — it makes a GREAT briquette starter!
Has dad become a scratch golfer at the local mini-golf course? Give him a more challenging game by littering the course with Beanie Baby obstacles.
And the number one use for Beanies this Father’s Day:
Cut off the Beanie heads and mount them on little wooden plaques to make Dad a miniature game trophy room.
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off
the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives, might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit).
Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which
may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all
matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
Thanks to Laugh-A-Lot
PREP HINT: How are your listeners coming with their creative light bulb jokes?
Have you arranged with the local hardware or discount store for a lightbulb prize package yet?
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
Radio prep idea: Ask your listeners for their best light bulb jokes - give the winner a year's supply of light bulbs from a local hardware or discount store.
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT!
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's women's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you would like to have dinner.
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
Radio prep idea: Have your own DEEP THOUGHTS CONTEST - prizes can be a set of Jack Handey Books from a local bookstore, or from the publisher (Hyperion, New York).
THIRD RUNNER UP:
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
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SECOND RUNNER UP:
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
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FIRST RUNNER UP:
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
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WINNER:
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
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HONORABLE MENTIONS:
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It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
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Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
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As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
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It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
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Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
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For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
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I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
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The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
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Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
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When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
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I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
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Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
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If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
A man called his mother in Florida. He asked, "Mother, how are you doing?"
She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."
The son became concerned and asked, "Why are you so weak?"
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days," she said.
"What?!?" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"
His mom replied, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
Comedy from the Confessional
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
Athletes as Intellectuals
Radio prep idea: Have your listeners call in with the most ridiculous/twisted/misconstrewed comment that they've heard. Award the most ridiculous quote with a day at the ball park.
Not Jokes - the Real Thing - but pretty dang funny!
Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Michigan
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann1996
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1981 - Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights, as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games."
1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,
'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, of his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
