Being a Duct Tape Guy, I don’t have to ever think up excuses for not coming into work. First, I don’t have an employer, and secondly, my duct taping work is so enjoyable and rewarding that I find it hard to stop working. But, I realize there are those of you who may find these excuses useful. So, based on a Washington Post contest which in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work, I have dedicated this page to creative reasons for not coming into work. Following the three winners from the Washington Post, I have posted entries submitted to our own contest (the contest now over - don't send any more). Hope these are helpful in your endeavors to get a day or two off of work. - Tim

First, the three winners from the Washington Post contest:

  1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
  2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
  3. My stigmata’s acting up.

And now your entries (more recent entries at the top):

A co-worker and I were at lunch enjoying a few cold ones with our food and after a while he asked what time it was; it was kind of dark in the Pub, but I pressed the button on my digital watch [this was before the brite kind] and the watch showed 12:10. We didn't have to return until 12:45, so we ordered a few more. Later my friend asked what time it was; I checked my trusty watch and it showed 12:10, so we ordered a few more. By this time we were way past our usual "limit" and feeling no pain; he asked again how much time we have left, I checked my trusty watch and it said 12:10. My friend said "No Way" and he asked another person in the Pub for the time and they
told him it was 1:45! Of course we were shocked and went back to work [VERY LATE] we checked my watch to see what happened because I knew it was working well. We discovered that in the darkness of the Pub, I was pressing the DATE button instead of the light button! Of course it was December 10th [12/10]. --- Thanks to Robert Williams

This one actually came from a young co-worker: "My boyfriend went to jail last night and didn't show me how to set the alarm clock" --- Campbell

I contracted that bug that's going around. It's called the "bar flu". --- Ed

I actually used this excuse and was on my way to work when i turned around and went home..."I'm not comming into work today cuz the 40 mph winds blew my little geo metro into oncommin traffic and im not gonna risk driving the one hour to get there. - Ms.Devine1

I can't make it in this morning, I just found out that David Crosby is my father and I haven't been able to stop throwing up. --- Paul Burke

"I'm bleeding like a stuck pig this month". (What COULD they say?!) --- name withheld for obvious reasons :o)

"I can't come in to work today. I'm hunting for the Polka Man my kid wants for his birthday, which is 2 days away. I still haven't found it, so I'll let you know when I have." --- Amy L. Struebing

I can't come to work today, cause my mother is going to get my brother out of jail and I have to take her. --- FRAN

I've got an eye problem. I can't see being there. --- Dwain J. Haworth
Sorry, I can't return from lunch. A volcano just buried my pickup and I have to remain at the bar waiting on a tow truck. --- forsythe1@...

But boss, I was listening to the radio and the guy said it was only 6 o'clock. So I went back to sleep for an hour thinking my clock was wrong. I was driving to work and the guy on the radio said it was 8:20. I couldn't figure out how I lost an hour. Then I realized that I was listening to a
station in Chicago last night before I went to sleep and they're an hour behind us. --- Jimi Miller, WDSY Radio - Pittsburgh

(You have to use a mincing little voice when you call in to make this work.) "I won’t be in today. I was half asleep and got my Crest Toothpaste confused with my Preparation H and my mouth is puckered closed and I can barely speak." --- Henry Drumwright

There is a women at my place of employment who is nuts! She says she hears voices. Any ways here are a couple of her excuses:
This one is the best! She came in to work one day and was there about ten minnutes and told
the boss she had to go home because she had a broken neck. Another time she couldn't come to work because she “couldn't stop peeing.” (She did find time to get to the phone to call in.) This is totally true! I guess the company is worried that they will be sued if they fire here because she is crazy. --- Scott

Check this one out, I actually used this!!! "So, uh, sorry I'm late , but I just got this new little kitten, you know how they just love to play with everything... Well the damned thing pulled the alarm clock cord out of the wall while I was asleep, blah blah blah..." (this one’s only good once)!!! --- Mick

I am going to take 2 paid holidays a year lasting 6 months apiece. --- VSL

I can't come to work today because the plummer's coming over to remove the neighbor's head from my toilet. Yeah, apparently, you're not supposed to give a woman with hair longer than 2 feet a swirly. Go figure. --- AnAAdore17@

I've contracted full body carpal-tunnel syndrome. I can't even tell if I'm holding the phone correctly. Hello... Is anyone there? Hello? --- Matthew Babula

I can't come in to work because I'm halfway through my home hairplug transplant, and I might lose my place. --- Nick James

I won't be in to work today because I've been tripping on Peyote for the last few days, and I can't seem to find my legs. --- Nick James

I'm calling in dead in the morning, because I've used up all my sick days. --- StGinny

I've contracted full body carpal-tunnel syndrome. I can't even tell if I'm holding the phone correctly. Hello... Is anyone there? Hello?

I can't come in to work because I'm halfway through my home hairplug transplant, and I might lose my place.

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) DearSchool: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor

Back to YOUR excuses:

I won't be in to work today because I've been tripping on Peyote for the last few days, and I can't seem to find my legs.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet. ..

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.