Answers to life's most perplexing problems… continued.

Some kids were playing baseball and hit it through our window breaking it, and our television screen. I can tape up the window, but how can duct tape repair my TV?

Take this opportunity to tape over the TV screen to create a new screen surface, onto which you duct tape book pages and magazine and newspaper articles for your family to READ. You will soon come to appreciate the day when that baseball changed your viewing habits. – DTG

Our main singer left our band. How can duct tape bring him back to us?

The first thing you want to do is to change your music to heavy metal. Then find a guy or gal off of the street (musical talent handy, but not required) and encase them entirely in duct tape. Name the new “singer” DUCTTAPE – one word, you know, like STING. With all of the attention and exposure you will be getting from your trendy new band, your old singer will get jealous and come crawling back, begging to be in the band once again. – DTG

I live in an apartment and would like to hang my pictures on the walls. Unfortunately, my landlord has informed me that I’m not allowed to use nails in the walls nor tape on the walls. Any ideas?

The landlord didn’t say that you couldn't put tape on the ceiling, right? So attach long strips of duct tape folded over onto itself to the ceiling right next to the wall wherever you want to hang your pictures. Then, simply duct tape the silvery strip to the back of the pictures. Voila! You've created an attractive duct tape gallery! – DTG

I broke my favorite CD into a hundred pieces. Can duct tape restore it to playable condition?

No. – DTG

Did our answer mean that this guy stumped us, Tim?

No. They asked if duct tape could restore the CD. We said, “No it can’t.” and that is the correct answer. Therefore, they didn’t stump us.

Phew! For a minute there I thought the broken CD would break our non-stumped record.

Is there any way to slice pizza with duct tape?

Duct tape a four by four foot square of duct tape on the carpeting on the other side of an open door. Next, string a few strips of duct tape tightly across the open door frame. Fling the pizza at the strips of duct tape. It should slice it nicely before it falls conveniently onto the four by four eating surface. – DTG

Can you use duct tape to make liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen for rocket fuel?

Because of national security and an "agreement" that we’ve signed NASA, we can't tell you the formula. However, be assured that there is duct tape involved. Oh yes! And plenty of it! – DTG

Can duct tape help me help me learn to swim?

Duct tape empty plastic milk jugs all over your upper torso – this should keep you afloat. Now, just wiggle your arms and legs until you start moving. One by one, remove the milk jugs and you’ll be swimming! – DTG

My pet rats chew through their water bottles. If you try to fix them with duct tape it doesn’t work. They chew through duct tape even when I put on three layers of duct tape. Can you give me a solution to my problem?

Stick little pellets of rat poison on the duct tape before you wrap their water bottles with it. You might lose a few in the learning curve, but it won't be too long before they learn not to chew on duct tape. – DTG

I have a kidney infection, and I was wondering how duct tape could possibly cure it?

We're not doctors, so this is only our best guess and not to be taken as authorized medical advise. Here's what we'd do: Take a six inch strip of duct tape and rip it into thin threads about 1/8" wide each. Swallow the strips, one at a time (so they don't bunch up going down your throat). As the sticky strips pass through your system, they’ll probably stick to all of the infection stuff and you will eventually pass it. If that doesn’t work, while you are having the emergency surgery to remove the duct tape strips, tell them to take care of your kidney infection and remove your appendix while they are at it. – DTG

I really want to get my pilet's licence, but I don't really have the time. How can duct tape help me to achieve my goal of flying?

Who says you need a pilot license to fly? Heck, you can't even spell it! Duct tape yourself to the underside of a small airplane and enjoy a free ride! CAUTION: Spare the tape and you will find yourself in need of a parachute. – DTG 

It's almost Christmas here in Baltimore and we still don’t have any snow. In fact, it’s only just getting cold this week. Being an avid skier, I’d like to know how could duct tape be used to recreate the sensation of skiing?

Cover your eyes with white duct tape, go outside and stare into the sun while someone pelts your face with water droplets. It will give you illusion of being "snow blind." As for the skiing sensation, duct tape your feet on the roof of your car and go for a 40 mph drive down a winding road while incorporating the first two hints. – DTG

How can you fix a hockey stick with duct tape so it is secure? I've tried but it is never strong enough and the broken area flops around?

You might play hockey, but you obviously don't duct tape like a hockey player! You aren't using enough duct tape, man! If you need more support than the tape affords you, use a splinting material, like a butter knife, or a coat hanger on the curved parts. If you don’t trust duct tape alone to do the job, slop some wood glue into the break before you tape, Remember that duct tape comes in various “team colors” so you can customize your repair job appropriately. Tape on – and keep your stick on the ice! – DTG

Duct Tape seems to have so many uses. I was wondering what can you not use duct tape for?

If you’re making a bathing suit out of duct tape, make sure you apply it when you’re bone dry or you’ll be doing some inadvertent skinny-dipping! – DTG

Can duct tape fix my mother's ankle?

Sure! Medical professionals, when found without their "real tools of the trade" often resort to duct tape for splinting, suturing, etc.. Will it heal completely? If you set it right and immobilize the ankle completely during the recommended healing period. Sure! And, when the tape is removed, mom won't have to shave that ankle for months! – DTG

I just had a big fight with my girlfriend and have no clue what I did to start the fight. So my question is, how can man use duct tape to fully understand a woman?

Short of duct taping yourself to your gal 24 hours a day for a month or so, you may never understand what makes women tick. We suggest swallowing your pride and learning to say, “I’m sorry, honey. I was wrong. Here, let me make it up to you with this little token of my affection.” After which you present her with a long-stemmed rose that you’ve fashioned out of duct tape. – DTG (click to our How To section for instructions on how to make a duct tape rose)

How can duct tape help me make my model rockets fly straighter?

Imbalanced rockets often result in crooked flights. Make sure your rocket is properly balanced by duct taping small coins or paperclips onto the fuselage. And, make sure your rocket engine is sitting straight by putting a small duct tape wedge on the errant side of the engine chamber. We hope that helps. – DTG

How can I save money on my upcoming hernia operation with duct tape?

Since a weakening in a muscle wall is usually the cause of a hernia, you can make an exterior muscle wall (basically a girdle) out of duct tape. This won't actually heal up the weakening or hole in the muscle wall, but it will prevent you from rupturing and strangulating your hernia. So, you could probably skip the operation and live the rest of your days in a duct tape girdle. – DTG

I had an operation on my knee and I found out that I am allergic to topical iodine. It makes my knee itch something crazy! How can duct tape relieve the itching?

Apply duct tape on the area surrounding your incision. Then, quickly rip it off. You will find that it creates a wonderful "scratching" sensation. Repeat as needed. – DTG

On your Stump the Duct Tape Guys rules, it says to read through ALL of your archives before asking a question, I don’t have that much time. How can I read all of your archives in under five minutes.

Duct tape yourself to Evelyn Wood. – DTG

I’m sixteen and have recently discovered that my fontanels have not been developing properly. Needless to say, I started to worry! Is there anyway that I could stimulate the development process of my fontanels with duct tape?

Your fontanels should have sealed up long ago - like by the age of two or three for sure. If you are sixteen, they probably never will. So, duct tape a metal bowl to your skull for protection. – DTG

How would you cure a horiblie stinkey sock with duct tape?

By duct taping over your feet before you put them into your socks. As for curing your spelling problem… duct tape a dictionary to your non-writing arm. – DTG

I have a set of drums in the garage and the neighbors are complaining. Is there any way I can soundproof the garage with duct tape?

Duct tape mattresses onto the garage walls and egg cartons onto the mattresses. Or, duct tape mattresses and egg cartons to your neighbors' ears. – DTG

Why don’t duct tape balls bounce?

Since duct tape has a rubber-based adhesive, you would think that it would bounce better. But, since it doesn't seem to, take advantage of this and make juggling balls out of it. They won't bounce or roll away when you drop them. – DTG

Obviously, gaffers’ tape is a much better product than duct tape. First of all, duct tape leaves a residue on everything. Why deal with that? Gaffers’ tape never does that. Also gaffers’ tape is easier to rip, and the black looks prettier than ugly gray. Eeeww, gray! I hope you take some time to consider the benefits of gaffers tape as opposed to duct tape, and maybe next time, you'll think twice before devoting an entire book to such a poor product by comparison.

Have you ever tried to fix an exhaust manifold with gaffer tape? Or seal a heating duct? Or any number of other hundreds of thousands of repair jobs from plumbing to resealing disposable diapers with gaff tape? It's just not as sticky – on purpose. Its sole job is to secure cables to the floor temporarily and to be inconspicuous while doing so. It's a first cousin of duct tape (which now comes in a huge assortment of colors – including black). So don't be so quick to write off the virtues of duct tape. We have never put down gaffers’ tape! – DTG

I play the clarinet, and have recently discovered that my B natural will not come out without squeaking. How can duct tape prevent this from happening anymore? Also, How can duct tape make my reeds last longer?  I go through a box of reeds a month!

B natural, the 13th key (a sliver key) is obviously very important since it is used in the chalmumeau and clarion registers. We might suggest a number of things you can try. First, clean your pads with duct tape. Secondly, look for missing or leaking pads - replacing them with duct tape (not sticky-side-out or the tone hole will stay closed). Or, your mouth may not be sporting the correct embouchure. In which case you could duct tape your mouth and jaw into the correct position so you are putting the proper pressure on the reed (tape the corners of your lips back into a smile). As for the reeds lasting longer; if you do the mouth and jaw taping for correct embouchure, you won't be as hard on the reeds - and they will subsequently last longer. – DTG

My cat keeps climbing up the curtains and leaves rather large holes in them, HELP ME please.

Duct tape your curtains, sticky-side-out, and your cat will lose interest quickly (cats hate sticking to the stuff). When the cat has lost interest, you can either remove the tape, or just leave it there – eventually it will start collecting a nice layer of dust and look like fancy gray velvet curtains. – DTG

How could I get more channels on my satellite with only the use of duct tape and WD-40?

You could cut your neighbors' cable, splice in the line going from your satellite dish to your television, cover the splice with duct tape and bury the cable. Presto! More channels! Or, get a bunch of aluminum pie plates and duct tape them all over the circumference of your dish – this will broaden the pick-up area and extend the focus range of the dish and bring in more channels (we think). – DTG

Where duct tape ranks in the mouse food chain?

Fortunately, mice don’t eat duct tape. If they did, they’d have a field day in our houses. – DTG

I'm a concert pianest and i have a performance in two days. The middle E string broke (wich is very unusal to break a string). I tried duct taping right on the string to connect them together but the note won't play when something stops the viberation of the string.

For a concert pianist, you have terrible spelling! You can either play around that note, or duct tape an E tuning fork in the spot vacated by the broken string. – DTG

I am a redneck and I want to know how I can turn my riding mower into an excavator using just duct tape?

Take off the mower deck and duct tape it to the front of your rider. Plow on, dude! By the way, you're not fooling us for a second. Real rednecks don't have email! – DTG

How is it possible to live life with out duct tape?

That's not a real question! You KNOW it's not possible. Geez, don't waste our time! – DTG

Why does tape stick? What properties of duct tape adhesive makes it stick so well?

We’re not chemists, nor physicists… but our guess is that the rubber based adhesive coupled with the polyethylene backing provide the flex that allows for good adhesion, while the fabric in the center gives it strength. If you need more technical information than that, we suggest that you contact a duct tape manufacturer. – DTG

I want to duct tape a guy's car – the whole thing. I want to know though, would the duct tape remove the paint from his car?

You would not be well advised to duct tape someone's car without their permission – or unless it has an absolutely hideous paint job to start with. The duct tape probably won’t remove the paint, but it WILL leave a residue. – DTG

This girl said. “ If duct tape can do everything then why don't I use it to clear up your acne?” So is this possible with out putting it on my face?

Ouch! Some chicks just have no tact! Well, since some acne is caused by what you eat, put it over your mouth to avoid the ingestion of the wrong foods. No, wait. You didn't want to put it on your face… okay, duct tape your wrists to your hips and your hands will not be able to lift food to your mouth. Some acne is caused by stress. You can de-stress by laying on the couch with your eyes closed and recite this mantra: "Duct tape, duct tape, duct tape… repeat until your stress has melted away and soon, so will your zits. Until they do, duct tape over that girl's eyes so she won't be so bothered by your acne. – DTG

How can duct tape make a bake sale more profitable?

Jim and I are suckers for a good pie! Tell us where your bake sale is and we'll be the honorary judges of the pie tasting contest. Our being there should bring in a hordes of duct tape lovers (along with their dollars). Or, just skip the baked goods and sell rolls of duct tape. – DTG

My ears hurt a lot when my nose is stuffy is there a way that duct tape can be used to unplug my nose and stop the ear pain?

Duct tape two of those menthol smelly stuff tubes right up each nostril and it’ll probably help your nose clear out. Until then, duct tape a folded sock over each ear to keep them warm and cozy. – DTG

I read somewhere that you can make a Christmas wreath out of red and green duct tape. I can’t find the article. Can you help me?

While we don't know the exact duct tape Christmas wreath directions you’re referring to, we would simply wrap green duct tape around an old tire and add a big red duct tape bow. However, if you are a Martha Stewart wannabe (i.e. have WAY too much time on your hands), rip four hundred twelve-inch strips of green duct tape, fold them over onto themselves, and cut fringes in each side of the six-inch strips. Duct tape the four hundred fringed green duct tape strips around a hoola hoop, add a big red duct tape bow, and presto - there you have a charming Christmas wreath that will never drop its needles and surely gather lots of positive comments from your holiday guests for years to come. Duct tape: It's like Martha Stewart on a roll… only a lot less irritating! – DTG

My brother and dad won't stop playing with baseball cards. They stare at them night an day! How can I get them to notice me?

We were going to suggest duct taping cards to yourself, but that’s too obvious, you’ve probably already thought of that. Start collecting duct tape books (this is book seven in our trilogy). And then, start making stuff out of duct tape; flowers, wallets, clothing, car accessories… Soon they’ll see that you are having a lot more fun than them and will join you in your creative endeavors. Remember, the family that duct tapes together, sticks together. – DTG

How can I get my dog to lose weight without duct taping his mouth closed?

Duct tape Fido on an outrigger taped to the side of your bicycle and go for a five-mile ride. Do this every day for a month and your dog will lose weight. – DTG

How can you sharpen a pencil with duct tape?

Duct tape the pencil, at an angle, to the side of your shoe – eraser end facing forward. Drag that foot when you walk and the lead end of the pencil will wear off into a nice sharp point. – DTG

You know how gross canned peas are right? Well, how can you fix the taste of a can of peas with duct tape?

We thought they were supposed to taste that way. In fact, Tim likes 'em! If you don't like the taste of something, you might try duct taping over your tongue. That way, stuff can pass over your taste buds without leaving any flavor behind. – DTG

I have curly and I want straight hair! How can duct tape help me achieve my goal?

Duct tape lead fishing sinkers to the ends of your hair and it will straighten out in no time! – DTG

How can I achieve world domination using only duct tape?

We can’t tell you. – DTG

I live just outside of the city of Philadelphia PA. The freeways into the city are often jammed. How can Duct Tape solve this?

We were just in Philly and didn't find the traffic to be all that bad. Of course, it could have been because we took the wrong exit to the airport and ended up driving through the projects. But we did find people to be filled with the brotherly love that your town is noted for. Here’s what you do: Grab a roll of black and a roll of white duct tape. Go out at three in the morning and change the directional signs on the freeway to route commuters off of the exits and out of your way. The next day you can enjoy a jam-free commute (or room and board provided at the city's expense). – DTG

When our sun starts to die it will first become much larger. Larger means engulf the first five planets and burn everything on them to a nice fiery black. How can we use duct tape to prevent this but yet still have light so that we don't freeze to death?

This will not happen in our time, so don't worry about it. Go duct tape something. – DTG