Answers to life's most perplexing problems… continued.

My VCR keeps “eating” tapes. How can I fix this situation?

The reason that your VCR ate your tape is that it was gummy from the film that gathers on the head (or capstan). This is a problem that will cause us to grab the only other tool in our toolbox. Spray WD-40 on the components and wipe them clean with a cotton swab. Removing the WD-40 residue is important, because while it will loosen the dirt nicely, it will not disappear on it’s own accord and eventually grab more dust and get gummy. Now that the dirt and grime particles that have been loosened. Your machine shouldn’t have any more appetite for tapes. If this doesn’t work, we suggest that you duct tape the door to your VCR shut so you are not able to insert any more tapes. – DTG

I love toast but my toaster just broke. How can I fix it?

Throw that ugly appliance away. Use those heat lamps that restaurants use to keep your food warm while your server is out back having a smoke. Make a duct tape hammock under the lights onto which you lay the slices of bread where they can relax and bask in the warm glow until they are sporting a golden tan. – DTG

My mom says I can only stay on the Internet for thirty minutes a day. How can I prolong my surfing time without doing harm to my parents?

Show your mom educational sites like DuctTapeGuys.com and she’ll no doubt become a convinced that the Internet is indeed a valid educational tool. She may go so far as to not let you eat dinner until you’ve spent three or four hours doing your “research” on the web. – DTG 

This is one problem that is worldwide and can’t be fixed with duct tape: PMS!

Don’t be so certain. Let’s look at the symptoms of PMS: bloating and irritability. To take care of the bloating issue, just duct tape yourself up tight enough to prevent bloating and water retention. As for the irritability, find something to repair with duct tape, to keep your mind off of what is currently irritating to you will provide you with a sense of accomplishment that will fill your spirit with happiness that will last you at least ten minutes. Repeat as necessary. – DTG

Recently, while playing hockey, I got hit in the foot with a puck. The metal skate blade broke. How can duct tape repair the skate?

Knock the blade off of your other skate and duct tape two pizza cutters to the bottom of each boot. There! You’ve got yourself some “Italian Rollerblades”. They’ll work on ice, too! – DTG

My cat and dog are adjoined at the hip after a nasty experiment in the laboratory. How can duct tape fix this situation?

I think your cat and dog will probably fix themselves. But keep your duct tape handy – you‘ll probably be using it as a bandaging material. – DTG

How do you avoid burnt lasagna using duct tape?

No problem, we burn our baked pasta dishes all the time. All you have to do is get a piece of duct tape and write the phone number of your local Italian restaurant on it. Tape it near your telephone. Next time you get the craving for lasagna, pick up the phone, dial the number on the duct tape, and make reservations!

There’s this guy I really like. How can duct tape and WD-40 make me more attractive to him?

Enhance your chances at being liked by any guy by spraying a bit of WD-40 on your pulse points, and show liberal use of duct tape on your apparel. Any guy who can resist the smell of WD-40 or the sight of duct tape isn’t worth having. – DTG

My house is burning down! How can I use duct tape to stop the raging fire?

Obviously, by the time we got your letter, your house was already a pile of ashes. Next time dial 911 instead of taking time to write for advice. To prevent this from happening again, cover all your walls, doors, windows and cracks with duct tape. This way, there will be no oxygen in the house, and without oxygen, a fire will not burn. – DTG

Problem: My cat is stupid.

There is probably nothing wrong with your cat. As far as we’ve been able to tell, all cats are stupid. Either that, or they’re actually extremely smart and just act like complete, brainless zombies just so nothing is expected of them (which, come to think of it, is a pretty good idea). To elevate your cat’s intelligence, duct tape it to the ceiling. When your cat is figuring out how to get off of the ceiling, go out and buy yourself a dog. – DTG 

I have a trampoline in the backyard of my home. It is so old and used that holes are appearing in the tightly wound fabric.  Single strip patches never stayed in place, so I covered the entire trampoline with strips of duct tape. It works great! But all of my neighbors think I am a freak. What should I do?

We doubt your neighbors’ thinking that you’re a freak has anything to do with your trampoline, or your use of duct tape. You might consider shaving and getting a job. Either that, or do what we do – ignore them. – DTG

I live in Hawaii and volcanoes can be a hazard. If Kilauea Volcano is spewing hot lava and a gargantuan flow is rapidly heading for my house, can duct tape save my house?

Use the duct tape to construct a large hot air balloon. Secure the balloon to the roof of your house. Unbolt your house from its foundation. As the hot lava approaches your house, the hot air will fill the balloon and lift your house above the dangerous lava flow. – DTG

My cat is grotesquely obese. She eats all the time, we even tried to put her on a diet, but she snuck snacks on the side. What can we do?

Bind your cat entirely in duct tape except for her head and “bathroom apparatus” and let her eat. Her swelling body will become so uncomfortable in the unyielding duct tape corset that she will eventually cut back on her eating. – DTG

I've got a hot date this weekend and want to impress her, How could I use duct tape to my advantage but not let it steal my spotlight?

Duct tape the entire inside of your car. Make silvery vinyl seats, silver dash board, woven silver headliner, duct tape roll can holders on the dash... take it to the limit. If your “Duct Tape Limo” handiwork doesn’t impress her that you are a quality, caring guy, dump her and find a gal that appreciates duct tape as much as you do. Compatibility in relationships is paramount to life-long happiness. – DTG

How can I use duct tape to help me win concert tickets on our local radio station?

This is an easy one! Any rock and roll roadie worth his salt is a huge fan of duct tape. So, bring a whole case of duct tape to bribe the roadies. It’ll probably even get you backstage passes. Works for Jim and me every time! – DTG

We have triplets. How can duct tape reduce our huge disposable diaper bill?

If you check the diapers and they’re not soiled, use duct tape to reseal the tabs. And, you might do what Jim’s parents did. Using those disposable diapers that say “Good for eight to ten pounds”, they duct taped around the waist band and leg holes and fit twenty to thirty pounds in them… – DTG

I got sucked into a parallel universe where everything, including duct tape and WD-40, work in reverse. What should I do?

Just use your duct tape to loosen things and your WD-40 to hold stuff together. We assume that aging in that universe works in reverse, too. So eventually, you will need to remember to use your WD-40 to reseal your disposable diapers on. – DTG

I am studying very hard right now for my French finals. Can duct tape help me?

Duct tape slices of French toast, some French fries, French roast coffee beans and a French dip sandwich to your head to get yourself in the proper frame of mind for the test. But seriously… Duct tape means never having to say "Je parles français." Drop your stupid French class and study the language of duct tape - it's universal! – DTG

I'm a telemarketer. When someone says they want to be taken off of a call list, it means it's against the law to call them again. I forgot to mark down one of these requests and was fined $500.00. How can I use duct tape to not be assessed this fine again?

Just duct tape your phone headset to the floor and stomp on it until it’s no longer functioning. That way you won't be getting the fines, you won't bothering us during dinner time with your ridiculous offers, and you’ll probably get fired to boot – thereby freeing yourself to find a more fulfilling job. – DTG

Your on a flight to a "Duct Tape Convention" when your plane, which just happens to be a small six passanger sesna type commuter....goes down on a desserted island. You and your six passangers are lucky to have made it out of the reckage...as you look at the badly recked plane (as everyone turns to you to fix it) you realize you are almost out of duct tape! You have a 1"x 8" peace left! Now none of the others have duct tape either, and your spare duct tape was burned in the reckage. (Being of a highly flamible nature as you know!) But the plane hasn't been burned totally you think it looks salvigeable. So now how do you use your piece of duct tape to help get you out of this situation?

There are some problems with your question:
1) Duct tape is not highly flammable.
2) A duct tape guy would never find himself in a situation with a limited supply of duct tape.
3) Duct Tape Guys do not travel on Cessna-type planes.
4) There are no Duct Tape Conventions (yet).
Not to mention your abundance of spelling and grammatical atrocities in your hypothetical situation. So, no answer for you! Back to the drawing board you go! – DTG

My mother absolutely loves the smell of lilacs, however she cannot keep them alive for long. Can duct tape keep the lilacs alive longer?

Wean your mother from the smell of the lilacs by blending it with the wonderful smell of just-ripped duct tape. Wrap the vase holding her lilacs with duct tape – it will look like a lovely pewter vase and provide added protection if she happens to drop the vase. Your mother's brain will gradually replace the true lilac smell with the hybrid duct tape/lilac smell. By the time the lilacs die, she will still have the duct tape smell. Just add a few new strips every month to keep that pungently refreshing duct tape smell alive. You could craft some ever-lasting lilacs using green and purple duct tape. – DTG

My friend was behind my snowmobile riding on a car hood that in which I was towing, we rounded a corner and BAM!! He hit a parked hay bailer. We were moving at approx 55-60 mph is there any way that duct tape or WD-40 could have prevented such a horrific scene?

Well, duct tape and WD-40 can't prevent you from being stupid (it still hasn't helped us). Our thought is to take two car hoods and sandwich your friend (wrapped in Bubblewrap) in between them. Duct tape around the hoods, spray them down with WD-40 –and go for it! When he does happen to hit something, you'll probably need Jaws of Life to remove him from the metal sandwich, but he will probably still be in one piece. – DTG

The post office seems to keep mangling the letters that I send to my girlfriend. How can I create indestructible stationery using duct tape?

Write or type your letter as usual, then back the entire sheet with two layers of criss-crossed duct tape strips. Trim the sides neatly and place the letter in a large duct taped envelope. If the post office does happen to mangle this, the goo on the tape should gum up their handling machines to such an extent that they’ll exercise more caution in the future. – DTG

My car key broke off in the door lock. How can I get into my car?

You can duct tape around your fist and smash out the side window (the duct tape providing protection from the broken glass). Or, use a rock to smash the window. To make sure that are always prepared if you find yourself in this situation, duct tape a rock in a wheel well of your car. – DTG

There is a time bomb in my kitchen with a note that specifically reads, "If tampered with, this bomb will destroy the entire planet.” How do I prevent the destruction of the planet?

Well, for heaven’s sakes, don’t mess with the thing! – DTG

I am working on an oil painting for my art class. It is due tomorrow and I just ran out of yellow paint. I really need it and it is too late to go to the store. All I have is a roll of duct tape. What can I do?

Hopefully it's a roll of yellow duct tape. If not, use the tape (presumably silver) in the spots where the yellow is to appear, then wear a bright yellow jumpsuit to the opening of your show. Make sure you stand directly in front of the painting all evening. The duct tape will reflect your outfit, appearing to be yellow. The painting will no doubt command a higher price and sell quickly due to your implementation of the duct tape. – DTG

My skateboard busted into a million pieces. I don’t have money for a new one. What can I do?

You should have taped over the board when it was brand new to prevent this from happening. Too late for that now… So, fashion a new board with about fifty layers of duct tape woven together into the shape and size of board that you dream of! Tape on the wheels and do that grind thing you do on a new silvery, extra-durable duct tape board! – DTG

How can duct tape get me out of a speeding ticket?

Cover your car entirely in black duct tape so it looks like a stealth fighter. This should make it virtually invisible to radar. If you should get pulled over you could claim to be a special agent with the Department of Homeland Security and that you are testing the new government-issued stealth vehicle. “Apparently, there are still some problems with the cloaking device. Thanks for letting me know. Give me your badge number and I will be sure that you are sent a commendation.” – DTG

Without getting into trouble with the child welfare department, how can I keep my kids quiet using duct tape?

Nothing keeps preschool, elementary, even college-aged kids busy and quiet like a roll of duct tape. They can create sculptures, decorate their apparel into duct tape-hip fashions, even make up games using duct tape. So give them a roll or two and tell them to be creative with it. Remember, duct tape comes with no instructions (which is a good thing because it doesn't limit your creativity). At first, they may look at you like you’re nuts. But after they experience the power of duct tape, they'll thank you for it. – DTG

How can I make my spaghetti sauce tastier with duct tape?

By sensitizing your taste buds. Here's how you do it: Dry off your tongue as thoroughly as possible. Now, press a strip of duct tape onto your dried tongue. Wait sixty seconds, waiting for your tongue and the duct tape to "bond." Now, yank the strip off and your taste buds will be sensitized to bring out the flavor in any food. It's like chemical-free MSG on a roll. – DTG

What if a magic portal is opened and wild monkeys with chainsaws for arms wearing gas masks come in through it?

We suggest developing a healthy addition to the ultimate power tool, Duct Tape, rather than the drugs that you have been using. – DTG

What if I had a javelin thrown into my forehead, how could you fix that?

All you have to do is cover that javelin and your forehead with duct tape and get a job at the circus sideshow as the “Humanicorn.” – DTG

I'm stranded on a desert island, and all I have is a roll of duct tape. How do I get off the island?

All you have to do is down a couple of trees, make a duct tape “hammock” between them, and raise a sail made of duct tape sheeting. There, you have a nifty looking catamaran to sail you to safety! The shiny surface of the duct tape will act as a beacon to signal rescue planes. – DTG