Answers to life's most perplexing problems… continued.

I broke a piece of D-RAM in half, how can I fix it?

Jim once had a ram that kept butting him with his horns. He duct taped a pillow over the horns and cut down considerable on the bruising of his posterior. Since the D in D-RAM probably stands for duct, we see no reason why you can’t just tape the two halves together and go about your business. – DTG

I currently have the flu. How can I use duct tape help?

We’re no medical experts, but when we have the flu, we use duct tape over both ends and go to work as usual. – DTG

Recently I had the misfortune to lose both my legs in a bizarre Rotorblade accident. To add insult to injury, my girlfriend has threatened to leave me calling me “some kind of freak!” Please help me!

Sorry about your legs. We have no idea what a Rotorblade is, but we imagine that it’s probably been outlawed in most states. Here’s your fix: Get out your duct tape, grab a couple of two by fours, and duct tape them to your leg stumps. To the bottom of these, duct tape a pair of shoes. You will be able to walk around at normal height again. If you wish, you could even add a foot or two to your height just to impress your girlfriend. She’ll soon be proud to be seen with “that real tall guy.” Who knows, make yourself tall enough and you might also get a contract with the ABA! – DTG

My sink keeps dripping and it keeps me awake at night. Without totally sealing off the faucet with duct tape, how can I remedy the situation?

Take a strip of duct tape and connect it to the faucet head and let the length of the tape dangle onto the sink basin floor. The water will quietly trickle down the duct tape and into the drain without making that annoying dripping noise. Sleep tight! – DTG

My boyfriend’s moustache tickles me when we kiss.

Duct Tape over the moustache and give it a good rip! It’s like bikini waxer on a roll. Or, if he likes to have a moustache, go for a big, black, Groutcho Marx greasepaint moustache made out of black duct tape. It certainly worked to make Groutcho the lady’s man. And, unlike greasepaint, it won’t get your face all black when you kiss him. – DTG

My dog is continually scratching our wood floor while racing to the sliding glass door to bark at squirrels. How can I prevent this?

Make little duct tape slippers for your dog so his claws don’t scratch the floor. Either that, or just duct tape entirely over your wood floor and remove the tape only after your dog has moved on. – DTG

I have brown hair. Everyone says blondes have more fun, but NO DYE I've ever used seems to work. Can duct tape make me a blonde?

Two ideas come to mind. Cover all exposed parts of your body (except for your hair) with duct tape and allow the sun to bleach the heck out of it. Or, skip the sun altogether and use yellow duct tape (or white if you prefer platinum blonde) to create a duct tape hairdo in any style you choose. This is our preferred method. We are both members of the Duct Tape Hair Club for Men. Duct tape hair never needs washing – just a dusting or hosing off every two to three weeks. Have fun as a blonde! – DTG

My favorite tree just got struck by lightning, split in half, and fell. How can I put the tree back together using Duct Tape, and have the tree still look the same as it did before it fell?

Consider this a Godsend! Move a portion of the tree into your house and decorate the branches with leaves made from colored duct tape (change the color with the season, or keep them green all year long). Then sit back and enjoy your favorite tree in the climate-controlled comfort of your own living room! – DTG

I was drinking my favorite drink (Jolt Cola –which is hard to find where I live) but before I could finish the can, it went flat. Is there any way that duct tape could have helped?

Next time, put a little tab of duct tape over the hole of the can when you’re not drinking and it will retain the carbonation longer. – DTG

I'm in science class and I just threw a beaker of sulfuric acid at the door and made a big hole in the door. If I try to put duct tape on it the duct tape will just melt. What should I do?

Quick! Sit in a chair and wrap duct tape around your feet. Then put a strip over your mouth and eyes. Finally, put your hands behind the chair and wrap the tape around your wrists. When the teacher returns to the classroom and finds you, explain that some vandals overpowered you while doing your lab assignment. This should get you off the hook for the damage to the room. Have your teacher clean up the acid mess – they’re trained to do that. – DTG

I was wondering if it's possible to get double-sided duct tape and would I be able to use it to give my car a waterproof seal?

Double-sided duct tape? Just roll it over into itself, sticky-side out and you have double-sided tape! Or, just seal your car doors shut with duct tape and crawl through the windows like Bo and Luke Duke. – DTG

We are tired of letting our dog out to go to the bathroom. How can duct tape help us?

Duct tape a kitty litter box to your dog's southern regions. She will be so humiliated walking around with the litter box attached her, that she’ll learn to use the porcelain fixtures. – DTG

My computer is way to slow. How can duct tape speed it up?

Duct tape your computer to a greyhound. – DTG

How can duct tape ease the pain of childbirth?

Just have your childbirth coach hold a roll of duct tape in front of your face. Concentrate on the tape and its powers. This has worked for us when having bullets removed (don't ask) without any anesthesia whatsoever. Or, another option is to put a duct tape "headband" wrap around your head and make it so tight that the pain of the duct tape headband distracts you from any pain in your southern regions. – DTG

I have braces and they really hurt my cheeks. How can I fix my problem?

All you have to do is dry off your teeth (and braces) and put a couple of layers of duct tape over your teeth (like a sports mouth guard). This will prevent the wires from going into your cheek. Use white tape and you won’t even look like you have braces on. – DTG

I have a bike and plenty of Duct Tape. How can I go to Mars?

Simple! Just duct tape yourself and your bike to the next rocket going to Mars. – DTG

I am short, is there any way Duct Tape can make me taller?

Sure. Duct tape bricks onto the bottoms of your shoes – you will be at least three inches taller immediately, Then, hang from the rafters of your garage with the bricks duct taped to your shoes and you will eventually stretch your legs for permanent height gain. Good luck! – DTG 

I got this migraine that you can't believe!! My head feels like it's in a vice! Can duct tape help me?

 As a fellow migraine sufferer, I‘ve actually used duct tape to alleviate the symptoms of my migraines. Duct taping an ice pack or can of cold pop behind your neck will often help. Since my migraines are food related, I duct tape my mouth shut whenever I am tempted to eat “trigger foods”. If it's too late for that, and the migraine is making you nauseous, duct tape an airsickness bag to your face and go about your duties. – DTG

It is now legal to collect, cook and eat road kill in North Carolina. How can duct tape  assist with this new found food source?

Cool! Attach strips of duct tape to your back bumper. Let the strips dangle onto the roadway. Start your vehicle and drive. You’re trollin’ for road kill!

I lost my wallet last week and I can’t find it anywhere. How can duct tape help me find it?

Attach strips of duct tape to your back bumper. Let the strips dangle onto the roadway. Start your vehicle and drive. You’re trollin’ for lost wallets! After you find it, do what millions do: Throw your wallet away and duct tape your money to your thigh. Cut a hole in your pants pocket so you can reach in and retrieve your cash when you need it. – DTG

I'm a guitar player and I broke my G string, What should I do?

Sorry, this web site is G-rated. We don’t talk about nude guitar players’ needs. (Off the record, we think the answer is rather obvious. Use the duct tape for the G…  ahem… string.) – DTG

How can I entertain myself through a three-hour school play with just a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40?

What more do you need? Sneak around the theatre and duct tape the ripped upholstery in the theatre seats and spray the seat pivots with WD-40 so they don’t squeak. – DTG

I have about a week to get two Fs up to at least Cs, or I can't go to California with my friends in two weeks. How can I use duct tape to solve this problem?

Take a strip of duct tape and rip it to the width of the lines of the F in the grade book. Put one short strip coming out at a right angle from the bottom of the F and another strip going vertical from the bottom of the previous strip to the top line of the top right of the F” Repeat on the other F. There, now you have two Bs. Have fun in California! – DTG

My neighbor’s dog has telepathic powers. The dog keeps on barking in my head! The dog is keeping me up all night! Please help me!

Since the barking is only in your head, you must THINK about duct taping the dog’s mouth shut. This will solve the problem. – DTG 

I want to get my math homework done, but I don't have time. Can I use duct tape to solve the following question? (4x + 1)(x - 2) = (2x - 3)(2x + 3)?

Cover a sheet of paper with duct tape and hand it in. When the teacher asks you where the answer is, tell him/her it is under the duct tape. When they remove the tape, it will destroy the paper (thus obscuring the fact that you didn’t really have the answer. When they ask you to perform the solution again, tell them that you think it’s unfair, since they destroyed your work. Get the principal and the school board involved. You’ll probably earn an “A” for your creative problem solving ability. – DTG

I am a theater technician and I need to hang a 75-pound lighting instrument from an electric 200 feet in the air and I have no ladder, hoist, crane or boom. How duct tape get the fixture 200 feet off of the deck?

Find a tech assistant who weighs 76 pounds. Attach a duct tape harness around the tech’s armpits and above their head. Fold a four hundred foot long strip of duct tape over onto itself three times. Attach one end to a three-pound rock and one end to the 75-pound light around which you have wound duct tape sticky-side-out. Get your star quarterback to throw the rock over the lighting grid. The rock will come back to the theatre floor with the tri-folded duct tape attached to it. Remove the rock and attach the assistant to the tri-folded duct tape. Get a weightlifter to hoist the assistant up to the grid. When the 76-pound assistant is on the grid, have them cut off exactly one half of the tri-folded duct tape (leaving 200 feet). Then have them jump off of the grid with a grid rung between them and the 75-pound light. When the assistant goes down, the light will go up. The light, surrounded with the sticky-side-out duct tape, will stick to the grid when it arrives. Reattach the three pound rock to the now two hundred foot tri-fold duct tape and have your star Quarterback toss it up into another section of the grid to get it out of the way. It’s that simple! – DTG

I have horrible asthma, and I often can't breathe. Without covering my mouth with duct tape, how can you fix my problem?

Assuming that your asthma is affected by dust, pollen and other allergens, I suggest that you make a filtering breathing apparatus. Here’s how you make it. Get a cardboard toilet paper tube and line it with duct tape sticky-side-out and as many folded-over, sticky-side out strips of duct tape as you can fit in length-wise while still allowing air to pass through. Duct tape this contraption to your mouth and duct tape your nostrils shut. The stickiness of the duct tape will capture the dust and pollen and other allergens as you inhale (and also trap your bad breath as you exhale). In other words, you can breath easy with duct tape! If you want to take deeper breaths, use a paper towel tube. – DTG

I had to duct tape two stages together. I did. I created a fuse that was solidly duct tape. It was 1" thick. The initially strokes were long ways actually connecting the 2 bars of the legs of the stage. Then, theses were strengthened with strokes going between the bars and fusing the starting strokes. This was continued alternating between the long binding strokes and the strengthening strokes in between (which strengthened an also prevented any moisture from getting to the core) until it was 1" in diameter and solid. Now, this binding was undone after the show by the work of two Leatherman saws, but my question is, how would you undo it USING ONLY DUCT TAPE AND WD-40? Remember, it was cross hatched so that liquids (such as wd-40) can’t get inside.

Wow! You lost us after “I had to duct tape two stages together.” We have absolutely no idea what you are talking about, or what the problem is. Lock yourself in a room with a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40. We’re sure the answer will come to you. – DTG