Stump the Duct Tape Guys

Here in New England we get a lot of leaves this time of year. I'm tired of raking those suckers. How can Duct tape help me?

Invite the neighborhood kids to your yard for a game of football. Before the game, duct tape their feet and legs, sticky-side out. By the time the game is over, your leaves will be gone. – DTG

How do you fix a computer after dropping it off of the Sears Tower in Chicago with the broken components?

We can only imagine that you are running a Windows machine. Switch to a Macintosh and you won't be so tempted to thrown your computer off of the Sears Tower. Most duct tape users are of a more practical, simple, grass roots ilk and therefore make great Macintosh users. By the way, duct tape can also help you to construct your sentences in a more grammatically correct, logical order. Cut up your sentence and rearrange the words until they read better. Then, stick the newly reorganized sentence onto duct tape. – DTG

Who is Red Green and what is he famous for? And who exactly came up with duct tape first – you guys or Red Green?

Red Green is another Duct Tape Evangelist (and TV show host) from the Toronto, Canada area. He uses a ton of duct tape in his show and calls it, “the handyman’s secret weapon.” Neither of us “came up with duct tape” first, that was the U.S. Military in World War Two. However, we both recognized and capitalized on the humor potential of duct tape about the same time – totally unaware of the other’s efforts. Garrison Keillor also created the fictitious sponsor, “The American Duct Tape Council” for his Prairie Home Companion about this same time. None of us were aware of the others’ efforts. There must have been an aligning of the duct tape planets or something that gave rise to this collective duct tape consciousness. – DTG

I'm in an electronics class in school, and I have a slight problem. Due to a shortage in school funding, we ran out of wire to complete our circuits. How can duct tape help since it doesn’t conduct electricity?

You might want to do what other schools have done to raise funds. Sell strips of duct tape for $1 a strip and let the students use it to tape the principal to the wall. You’ll probably raise enough funds to buy the wire you need for your little electrical project. – DTG (click here to see other Principal Wall Tapings)

I have a gas fireplace in my house and it won't work because the gas is not coming out to start the fire. What should I do?

Your gas isn't coming out because you probably forgot to pay your gas bill. Here's a great way to remember your bills: Make a giant month-long calendar grid on a wall of your house with duct tape. Next, duct tape the bills in the grid four or five business days before each bill is due. Each day, check the calendar for bills that you have to mail that day. You’ll never miss a payment again! – DTG

I can play the trumpet, but I can't play very well. How can Duct Tape help me improve my trumpet playing?

Dizzy Gillespie was a great trumpet player and he had those really big, puffed-out cheeks when he played. We suggest that you make two, two-inch diameter duct tape balls and stuff them in your cheeks. You will probably become instantly better on the trumpet, or at least look like you are really trying hard. – DTG

The coating on my non-stick frying pan is peeling apart. Can Duct Tape help?

We’ve heard it's not good to use those pans once the coating starts to separate. Duct tape over the top of the pan as a reminder to throw the pan out and get a new one. Or, recycle! Make a burglar alarm out of the old pan. Next time you leave for vacation, hang the pan over your entry door by one strip of duct tape. Rest the business end of the pan on top of a piece of cardboard that you have duct taped to the top edge of the door. When the door is opened, the pan will fall on the head of the intruder (or on you, if you forget that you put it there). – DTG

How can we use duct tape to stop my obsession with the TV show "Friends", but still be able to enjoy other programs?

Duct tape over the Friends’ channel button on your remote control. As an added measure of safety, duct tape over the TV listings so you can’t find out when it’s broadcast. Better yet, get some real friends for yourself by starting a duct tape enthusiasts group. You’ll no longer feel the need to waste your time watching these fictitious Friends. – DTG

Attach one end of a strip of duct tape, folded over onto itself on a tree branch. That’s it! That’s all you need. Use the chart below to interpret and report the weather using the strip of duct tape. – DTG

IF THE DUCT TAPE IS:
Cool to the touch – cold.
Warm to the touch – hot.
Wet – rain.
Dry – no rain.
Still – calm.
Moving – breezy.
Horizontal to the ground – windy.
Missing – tornado.

Several years ago I attempted to cover a window in my cellar with clear sheet plastic. I tried to tape the plastic to the cellar wall, which is concrete painted over. In a few weeks the duct tape failed and began to pull off from the walls. Is there any way I can get the duct tape to stick to the wall?

The problem is that your cellar walls are usually either moist or dusty. Duct tape will not stick to wet, moist, and/or dusty surfaces. We suggest that you first waterproof your cellar and wipe the surfaces clean. Then rent a gas forced-air heater and run it in combination with a dehumidifier continually until the walls are bone dry. Then tape the plastic over the window with ease. Remember, spare the duct tape, spoil the job. Use plenty of tape! – DTG

Pull off the duct tape. Then, spray any remaining residue with WD-40. Let it sit for a while, then wash. Repeat as needed until both the adhesive and the WD-40 residues have vanished. – DTG

My hair gel keeps leaving a sticky film on my palms. How can duct tape help me with this problem?

Tape over your hands before applying the get. Remove the tape from your hands after you are done styling your hair and they will be gel-free. Or, forget the gel and just duct tape over your entire cranium! You'll be sporting the most popular hairstyle around! Your hairdo will never need washing and certainly won't be mussed by the wind. – DTG

I suffer from dry, red eyes when driving. How can duct tape help me with this with out impairing my vision?

Heating and air conditioning vents blowing at your face are probably causing the dry eye problem. To avert the airflow, we recommend making duct tape baffles over the vents that directs the airflow toward your feet. Unless you are very short, this should take care of the dry eye problem. – DTG

How can you stop a duct tape lover from loving duct tape using only duct tape?

Wow! Certainly not by taking it away – absence only makes the heart grow fonder. Certainly not by giving them more duct tape – there can never be too much duct tape. Until they come out with a product more versatile than duct tape… I guess you’ve STUMPED US! Your fabulous prize package is on its way.

Try duct taping several mustard packets to your chest to create a "mustard plaster" just like grandma used to recommend in the treatment of a cold. I used this method and, by golly, if the cold didn't totally disappear in just three weeks! – DTG

I was working in my lab and i accedentaly spliced the wrong jean. Can ductape fix it?

Juging frum yer speling, you aint no scintist! So we can only assume that you mean mending your blue jeans (pants). Do what we do... duct tape your hems up, and reinforce the "wear spots" like the knee, pockets, and butt areas. Your jeans will last years longer, resist tears, and if you spill on yourself while barbecuing, you can just hose yourself off. – DTG

Can you use duct tape to demonstrate in a sensible manner why we have eyebrows?

Just stick a strip of duct tape, sticky-side-out over each eyebrow. At the end of the day, you will be able to examine all of the junk stuck to the tape and therefore prove that your eyebrows are very effective in keeping all that junk from going into your eyes. However, they'd be even more effective if they were as sticky as duct tape! – DTG

How did you know our pants were way too small? Do what we do – just cut out the back seam of your pants, split it down to the bottom of your butt. Now spread the split seam and use duct tape to create a "V" expanding the waistband up to ten inches. Your pant legs can be easily lengthened by adding strips of duct tape around each cuff. This also prevents heel wear on the pant leg. – DTG

I am planning on proposing to my girlfriend next week, how can duct tape help me?

Do what Tim did to get his wife: Duct tape yourself to her leg and don't remove yourself until she accepts your proposal of marriage. – DTG

Can duct tape fix a major crack in a transmission on my truck? It leaks about three pints a week.

If you wrap anything with enough duct tape it will stop leaking. However, I suggest you do what Jim and I did (our truck leaks about two quarts a week). Duct tape a funnel under the transmission where it is leaking, and duct tape a hose onto the funnel and route the hose up into the filler tube that goes to the transmission. Half way up the hose route, duct tape a small wind-driven pump that will activate as the vehicle goes down the road. This will pump the dripping transmission fluid from the bottom of the vehicle and route it right back into the transmission. This works with oil pan leaks, too. Just route the hose into the oil filler cap and not the transmission. – DTG

I have an old tractor that leaks gas at the valve where the handle you turn to turn the gas on and off at the bottom of the gas tank. Can duct tape fix that?

Since gasoline dissolves the glue on duct tape, I suggest that you duct tape a large funnel underneath the drip, duct tape a hose to the funnel and run the hose back into the gas tank (yeah, just like the transmission oil hint above). – DTG

How can our freshmen orchestra use duct tape to give our orchestra seniors a nice goodbye tribute?

The first thing that comes to mind is a complimentary duct taping of all of their instrument cases. We’ve yet to see an instrument case that hasn't been (or couldn't be) enhanced, repaired and strengthened with duct tape. – DTG

I am not allowed to use sharp implements of any kind after cutting up the wife's credit cards she says anything that can inflict that much pain on her should be locked up. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and now I am stuck with the problem of slicing the turkey. How am I going to accomplish this with duct tape?

Duh! You should have just duct taped over that magnetic strip on her card rendering it useless... No, wait... then she would have taken away your duct tape! No sir. You did the right thing Paul. Not only that, you got out of the horrendous duty of carving the turkey! Good thinking Paul! We laud your creativity! You are an inspiration to men everywhere! – DTG

I have just had a fish tank given to me and it is a hexagon tank so you can see through it but it has a crack in one of the sides. How do I fix the crack and not be able to see where it was cracked at or any other blemishes done to the tank?

Repair the crack with clear duct tape. Then, duct tape a mural onto the cracked glass side of the aquarium. We suggest the great pyramids, or some kind of desert scene. This will make the fish glad that they are where it is cool and wet rather than hot and dry. Or, you can just cover all of the sides with duct tape and pretend that there are fish swimming inside. This will save you a bundle on fish food and prevent you from having to ever clean the tank. – DTG

I'm a senior in high school and trying to do the impossible task, choosing where, or whether to go to college or not. Can duct tape end this misery once and for all?

Duct tape is a staple at most colleges that we have visited, so wherever you chose to go, you will find a common bond with duct tape. I suggest covering your ceiling with duct tape, sticky-side down and throw all of your college catalogs up into the air. Most of the catalogs will stick to the tape, but then eventually fall again one by one. The last one remaining on the duct tape is the college you should attend. (This will probably be the lightest catalog, usually meaning less classes, and that meaning more party time.) Tape on, dude! – DTG

My friend ran into a deer on his way home one night and it bent his radiator to a point that it would keep the engine from running and well we would have tried to turn the radiator around so the bent side faces out but well it won't fit in the body molding that he already bought is there any thing that can be done with out having to replace the radiator or duct taping the radiator outside the body molding?

We think your thought of duct taping the radiator to the outside of the vehicle is a great idea! Go with that one. In fact, you have motivated us to make the same vehicular enhancement to our truck – which usually runs a bit hot. By the way, to prevent other run-ins with deer, duct tape one of the natural predators to your hood (like a hunter). – DTG

I want to get into this band, but they will only let me play if I bring my own homemade electric guitar and can play it like Jimmi Hendrix. To complicate matters, the only instrument I have ever played is the triangle.

Forget them. Start your own all duct tape band: You are the leader on the triangle (dangling from a duct tape strap, of course). Other players must create their instruments out of at least 30% duct tape. This will not only create a unique "new age sound", but will also provide you with a unique marketing angle that will be sure to attract the media. It shouldn't be too long before you'll be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone! – DTG

How can I use to prevent my refrigerator from falling through the floor of my trailer house?

Duct tape turns any appliance into an under-the-counter appliance. In the case of your refrigerator, you may want to use about a case of duct tape to secure it into position. – DTG

We have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Therefore we cannot possibly be stumped by your question. – DTG

I’m an aircraft mechanic. When I sign-off my repairs in the aircraft logbook those pesky FAA Inspectors keep asking for the Maintenance Manual References. How do I get them to give me my license back?

Duct tape the Maintenance Manual to the logbook and tell them that you have attached all of the references. – DTG

Would duct taping big "X's" over local gas station sign prices help to lower the cost of gasoline?

Here's a clever idea. Wrap duct tape around the end of a long pole, sticky-side out. Now, reach up and use the sticky tape to remove the "2" from the $2.25 per gallon on the station's road sign. Suddenly $2.25 per gallon becomes $ .25 per gallon. Fill up your tank and then pay only 25¢ per gallon "as advertised." – DTG

I have trouble bending over. How can I use duct tape to help get my shoes on?

Do what Jim and I do, tie your shoes loosely, then duct tape over the laces... this will turn any pair of shoes into slip-ons. Put a doubled-over strip of duct tape right onto the heel of each shoe. This will act as a built-in shoehorn. Now, you should be able to easily step into your shoes without bending over. Or, if you don’t need to change pants often, just duct tape your shoes onto your pant cuffs. – DTG

I have a pet cat that was born without the abilities to hear or see. How can duct tape restore my cat’s sight and sound senses?

Duct tape hearing aids can be made for your cat by forming large megaphone-type cones which you secure to the cat's ears using more duct tape. As for the ability to see - unless you can make rods and cones that are small enough to be implanted into the cat's eyes, you will have to settle for creating an enhanced "Whisker Alert System" for your cat – extend and sensitize the cat's whiskers by applying duct tape strips to their ends. You can also fashion a large duct tape “bumper” in front of Helen’s head to prevent her from getting injured when she does run into stuff. – DTG

I just turned fifteen and will soon be taking my driver's test. Can duct tape help me remember everything I learned in driver's education and help me pass the test?

Absolutely! Create what we call a "Knowledge Magnet" by duct taping around your forehead sticky-side out. This will help the information that your instructor throws at you to "stick" and soak into your head through a process similar to osmosis. During your driving test, duct tape your hands to the wheel at the 10:00 and 2:00 positions. Good luck! – DTG

Yes! Bring a case of duct tape to Mexico and trade it for private tutoring! They should give you at least a month of room and board and private lessons for your kind gift. – DTG

The Army calls is that because it is used to hold stuff onto target drones that travel at speeds up to 100 mph. That’s one story – ask three others who were in the Army, you will probably get three more. – DTG

That’s why they have “gaffer tape” – to hold stuff to floors and carpets without leaving a residue. But, apparently it’s too late for that now. The adhesive can be loosened with either WD-40, Goo Gone, or similar product. Let it soak in for a while to liquefy the adhesive. Then follow with a foaming carpet cleaner. After a while, the goo should have vanished. It’s worked for us. – DTG

I have to construct a DNA model of 18 inches in height with a different section symbolizing the A, G, T, C, sugars, phosphates and hydrogen bonds. And it must hold the pattern (for the left side) GATTACACCA at least once...and twist twice. How can I do this with just one roll of duct tape?

We have no idea what you are mumbling about, but making a DNA model should be easy. Just make little duct tape balls and hook them together with rolled duct tape “sticks”. Who knows? You may have just stumbled upon a stronger DNA model! – DTG

As you know, seatbelts are required by California law. Mine fell apart so I made new ones out of duct tape. A policeman noticed it and gave me a ticket. How can duct tape get my ticket excused so I don't pay the fine or have the violation on my record?

Take it to court and do a side-by-side comparison of your duct tape seat belts against the original factory installed belts in your car. If your car is old enough, it should become apparent that the duct tape belts are stronger than the aged fabric belts. You, therefore, are even safer than with a conventional belt. Just make sure your belt is composed of at least four layers of duct tape and it should be no contest! – DTG

My room began to stink. So I thought I would get creative and duct tape a spring scented dryer sheet to my fan. To my surprise, duct tape doesn’t stick to dryer sheets! Any ideas?

All you have to do is make a duct tape ring on the face of the fan and stick the dryer sheet through it. Either that, or clean your room! – DTG

Duct tape will not stretch (much) so put a six-inch strip of duct tape on the street outside your house. Then, measure exactly six inches on the pavement beside the strip and mark the six inch mark by driving a nail into the pavement. In a couple of years, check the tape. If it is shorter than the six-inch measure marks, there you’ll your proof positive that the universe is expanding (or that duct tape shrinks). – DTG

My house is on fire, and I make it out, but my baby is inside. By this time all the entrances and windows are surrounded by fire. And there are no neighbors home, so I can’t call the fire fighters. So, how can I use duct tape to save my baby?

If this is not a hypothetical problem, we'd not waste your time typing a note to some Duct Tape Bozos! If this is a hypothetical problem, we'd take this opportunity to get some yellow or red duct tape and mark a fire evacuation route on the walls of your house so you are prepared if and when a fire does happen. – DTG

If you are lost in the Sahara Desert with only your shoelaces, and a trusty roll of duct tape, how can you survive off the duct tape for seven months?

Why seven months? Will you be rescued in seven months? How do you know this? Why only shoe laces? What happened to your shoes and the rest of your clothing? Why only one roll of duct tape? What kind of fool are you and how did you get into this ridiculous situation? Answer these questions first, and we will oblige you with an answer. – DTG

I play the violin, and it currently has a large crack on the front. How could I use duct tape to fix the crack without compromising the quality of sound?

We play a ukulele in our Duct Tape Guy stage show. On our first trip, the airlines did a number on the instrument by dropping a suitcase that the uke was in. The body of the uke cracked in three pieces. Well, I wasn't broken, it just lacked duct tape. We taped the body back together. Now, it not only sounds better – more of a mellow tone. And it looks like one of those expensive steel guitars (only smaller). So, repair boldly and proudly with duct tape. Let the tape show. Like a teddy bear that gets worn, it is a step toward your violin becoming “real”. – DTG

Send up a few cases of blue duct tape on the next space shuttle and have them tape a giant patch over the hole. Since there is no gravity up that far, the patch should just float in place as an ever-present reminder to watch our pollution and take care of our planet. – DTG

My dad remarried and I now live with my mom. How can duct tape improve my relationship with my stepmother?

Our plan involves evangelizing your stepmother on the gospel of duct tape. Once you have shared the many uses of duct tape with her, and present her with her very own roll (in her favorite color), you two will have something in common. Issue the challenge of coming up with four new uses for duct tape each time you get together. It will give you something to talk about and she will start looking forward to your visits. – DTG

My wife and I are currently trying to potty train our two-and-a-half-year old daughter but she isn't cooperating. We tried duct taping her to the toilet but it left a rash and the sitter called Children's Services.

You’re approaching the situation wrong. Don’t duct tape your daughter to the toilet seat! Use duct tape as the reward for going “big girl potty!” Just have a roll of duct tape and a little chart in the bathroom next to her potty chair. Whenever she makes the effort to go potty, give her a little square of duct tape to put on the chart. If her effort is productive, give her two squares! She’ll be potty trained in no time! – DTG

My sister and I fight over the computer all of the time. How could duct tape help us share?

Duct tape a clock to the top of your computer monitor. Put a little piece of red duct tape on the number 12 and piece of green duct tape at the number 6. When the big hand hits the red tape, your sister has to stop and relinquish computer use to you. When the big hand reaches the green tape, you have to stop and give your sister a turn. Assuming that either of you aren’t colorblind, this should work fine. – DTG

My wisdom teeth are coming in. Can duct tape help me get them out without paying for an oral surgeon?

Buy a ticket to the drag racetrack. Dry off the tooth (so the duct tape sticks) and attach one end of a twelve foot strip of duct tape to the tooth and the other end to the back of a drag racing vehicle. When the light hits green, your tooth (and quite possibly the whole side of your face) will be removed. – DTG

If you duct tape the top of a pan, barrel, or oatmeal container, you’ve got yourself a drum. If you duct tape a funnel to a hose, you’ve got yourself a horn. Duct tape a broomstick to an upside down wash tub and fold a length of duct tape into thirds and attach one end to the top of the broom handle and the other to the middle of the wash tub, presto! You’ve got yourself a “gut bucket”. – DTG

My question is that I recently had a bad break up with my girlfriend. How is duct tape going to fix my broken heart?

Break ups are often caused by “duct tape envy”. A situation when one partner doesn’t share the duct tape with the other. I know it sounds impossible, but many men feel that duct tape is specifically a “guy thing” and tend to hoard the duct tape, or keep it hidden in that special drawer in their workbench. Well, come on guys! Duct tape is gender neutral! Share the tape! Or, better yet, give your mate her own roll. We’re sorry about your break up and suggest that you go out and get a roll of duct tape for yourself and one for your ex. Maybe this gift will patch things up and get you on the right road to a long relationship. – DTG

UV radiation can damage skin and eyes. I wonder how this problem can be fixed with duct tape?

We suggest that you cover all of your exposed skin with duct tape (any color will do). It’s 100% UV protection on a roll. And wear a pair of those “old people sun glasses” (you know, the oversized sun glasses that are made to fit over eyeglasses) and duct tape their lenses down to little slits like those German vehicle headlights during WWII. This will minimize your exposure to the UV radiation. – DTG

We were out studying the tide pools in my marine biology class when the tide came in and covered the area before we could finish looking at stuff. How could we have used duct tape to fix this situation?

What we’d suggest is that you build a huge dam wall (we’re not swearing) by placing four by eight sheets of plywood duct taped together around the exploration site. This should give you a few more hours of exploration. If the water gets too high, you can use the dam walls to float to safety. – DTG

I have tried to get my ten-year old sister to stop talking! I tried a good name brand of duct tape to bind her hands and to cover her mouth, but she always escapes. What should I do?

Well, it’s obvious that: 1) You don’t like your sister, 2) Your sister’s talking is bothering you, and 3) Your sister is Houdini reincarnate. So, 1) Find something that you and your sister have in common (like duct tape), 2) Talk about the virtues of duct tape so her talking isn’t so bothersome to you, and 3) Profit from your sister’s escape talents - sell her to a carnival sideshow. – DTG

I recently tried to fix my crashed radio controlled airplane with duct tape, but the duct tape doesn't seem to stick to it. What should I do?

Clearly, you are either using an inferior brand of duct tape (there are cheap imposters out there), or the plane is wet (duct tape does not stick to wet), or you are not using enough duct tape (spare the duct tape, spoil the job). So figure out which is your situation and try again. If at first you don’t succeed, tape, tape again. – DTG

We’re not female, but we can imagine that female cramps are the closest thing a female experiences to getting kicked in the privates. To prevent that from happening, we’ve duct taped a plastic salad bowl to the crotch of our pants. It’s kind of a Comedia del Arte look (you know that Italian comic theatre stuff). So try the duct taped salad bowl idea and let us know if it works for you. – DTG

I built a snow fort outside that must have been at least seven-feet tall. But now it's starting to melt and get holes in it. What should I do?

Obviously, you missed Snow Fort Building 101 where they instructed you as to the “cheat method” of getting large appliance boxes and covering them entirely in white duct tape thus avoiding the need for snow all together. – DTG

I have a dish that I've always used to microwave stuff in. It recently cracked, and has started to leak. My first and second attempts with duct tape failed, as it melts in the microwave! Solve that one, duct heads!

We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again – spare the duct tape and spoil the job. Just super tape the bowl – it will look like a fine pewter serving service. As for the melting - make sure the tape you are using is certified as DUCT tape. To legally be labeled DucT tape, it has to meet certain heat resistance standards (as it is often used on duct work). So, our thinking is that you have been duped into using some cheapo, non-certified duct tape imposter. – DTG