Answers to life's most perplexing problems… continued.

My grandpa loved duct tape. Unfortunately, he passed on. Can duct tape bring him back to life?

If your grandpa loved duct tape, just thinking about all of the ways that he used duct tape will keep his memories alive for you. Every time you grab a roll of duct tape or spot duct tape quietly doing its job somewhere, it will be like your grandpa is looking down at you smiling. As long as you have your memories of grandpa, he’s right there with you. – DTG

I am lost in the Labyrinth of the Minotaur. I fear he may find and attack me at any moment. There is a roof covering the top of the labyrinth so I can't climb out. The only items I have with me are a couple of rolls of duct tape. How can I get out of this maze safely?

For your sake, we hope this a hypothetical question. First, make a replica of yourself out of duct tape and stand it in plain view. Then, wrap yourself in duct tape, sticky-side out and hide in a corner waiting for the Minotaur to pass your direction. As he attacks your duct tape replica, fling yourself against his hindquarters – the sticky-side out tape will adhere you to the beast. Then, undetected, you can ride him to safety (most Minotaurs eventually leave the labyrinth in search of water). – DTG

How can duct tape keep the algae from growing in my pond?

You can use Duct Tape to stop algae growing in a pond. Just cover the pond with an opaque tarp made from duct-tape.  Since algae needs sunlight to grow, the darkness provided by the duct tape cover will prevent the growth of algae. – DTG

I work with a bunch of Mexicans. Sometimes I get mad at them because they like to speak in their language so that nobody else can understand what they’re saying. How can duct tape help with this problem?

Duct tape a Spanish dictionary to your arm. Soon, you’ll learn enough Spanish to understand what they are saying and even join into their conversations. You’ll also figure out that Mexicans are normal people just like you (we’re assuming here that you are normal). Unencumbered by fears of people unlike yourself, you’ll broaden your little world, develop new friendships, and have a richer life to boot. – DTG

Is there a way that duct tape can make old paintings (like the Sistine Chapel ceiling) look as vibrant as the day it was painted?

Art restoration experts carefully remove the crud covering up old paintings. I suppose that duct tape, if used very carefully could accomplish this task with great success. Speaking of the Sistine Chapel ceiling, did you know that a portion of the ceiling shows God handing a roll of duct tape to Adam? [photo illustration]

I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Can duct tape help me?

I’m sorry – we weren’t paying attention. What was the question? Nah, just kidding…
Duct Tape yourself to whatever you are supposed to be paying attention to. – DTG

If I was out in the woods with just a roll of duct tape, how could a make a hot shower?

Make a big duct tape hammock-like bag suspended between two trees to collect rainwater. When the rain quits, seal the top of the bag to prevent evaporation. The sun will eventually heat the water in the bag. When the desired temperature has been reached, stand under the bag and poke a small hole in the bottom of the bag to dispense the heated water. When the bag is emptied, put a strip of tape over the hole, reopen the top of the bag, and wait for more rain. Or, just find a local campground. They usually have shower facilities. You can trade your roll of duct tape with the grounds attendant for a hot shower. – DTG

Could duct tape have stopped the technology sector of the stock market from falling?

If America relied more on duct tape and less on technology the stock market would be more stable. Consider the word crashed, as in "my computer crashed" and "the stock market crashed." Coincidence? We don't think so. Invest in duct tape and you’ll never be disappointed. – DTG

I work full-time and I own a dog. I'm never home to walk him, but I love him to death, so I won't give him away. Is there any way duct tape can help take my dog for walks?

We believe that it was Sting that once said, "If you love someone, set them free." If you really loved your dog, you would either give him away or get home earlier so you could take him for walks. Why not use duct tape at your place of employment to shorten the time it takes to accomplish your job... you will be able to leave earlier and get in some canine walking time. – DTG

Can duct tape help extend the range and accuracy of my paintball gun?

Duct tape a longer barrel on the gun. Spray the inside of the barrel with WD-40 to prevent paintball friction when exiting the barrel. As far as accuracy, duct taping a tripod to the bottom of the gun to help steady your aim. – DTG

How do I use duct tape to start a fire?

Duct tape a stick onto your leg and run around in circles until the stick, because of friction, bursts into flames. (Caution: This hint may result in a burning sensation on your foot and/or leg.) You might want to duct tape an airsickness bag to your face to avoid the mess and embarrassment when you get dizzy from twirling around for up to fifteen minutes. – DTG

My car windshield leaks water and I tried duct taping over the edges. It worked fine for about a month, but due to high air resistance from driving, it peeled off. I also live in Minnesota, so cold temperatures would have a negative impact on its adhesion. Can duct tape still help me?

Spare the tape and spoil the job! You’re either using a sub standard tape or not enough of it. We recommend a UV-coated duct tape to prevent the tape from delaminating due to exposure to the elements. To increase adhesion in the cold, warm the tape with a hairdryer during application. – DTG

How can world hunger be solved using only duct tape?

Tape over the mouths of the affluent in the world after they have reached their daily requirements of food. Then share the wealth of resources that are not consumed with those less fortunate. – DTG

 How can duct tape help me win the Boston Marathon?

Booby-trap the marathon course by placing duct tape, sticky-side-up, on the starting line. Make sure you spray the bottoms of your shoes with WD-40 so you don’t stick to the tape. Or, just duct tape yourself to the nearest Kenyan. – DTG 

How can I exercise using duct tape?

Place multiple large duct tape rolls on both ends of a broomstick for a makeshift barbell. Or, pull off a strip of duct tape about three feet long. Double it over onto itself. Make a loop at both ends. Use this as a resistance pull for isometric exercises. – DTG

I am in the military and the patent leather shoes I wear are constantly getting scuffed. Once scuffed they are useless. How can Duck Tape stop the scuffs without ruining the military spit-polished appearance?

Black duct tape is really shiny - just like your military-issue shoes are supposed to look. Cover them in this tape and you’ll have a nice shine and at the same time prevent scuffing. – DTG

How can I get flowers (plastic or otherwise) to stick to tombstones? They keep falling off!

Wrap the stone with duct tape, all the way around. Tape the flowers to the duct tape and they won’t fall off. – DTG

I broke a taillight on my car and repaired it with duct tape. But the light didn’t show through the tape. Is there a better way to make this repair?

You can correct the major damage with duct tape. As for the clear (red) plastic over the lamp, you must resort to lesser tapes. They have a special clear red tape for this very purpose available at your local auto supply store. Make sure secure this lesser tape with more duct tape. – DTG

I work in a restaurant where we serve a great cheeseburger. How can duct tape make our burgers the talk of the town?

Jim and I are suckers for a good cheeseburger. All you have to do is provide us with an endless supply of your burgers and we’ll provide you with our Duct Tape Guy endorsement. That should help propel your sales through the roof. Or, you could serve your cheeseburger on a duct taped paper plate. – DTG 

I’m addicted to duct tape. I’m duct taping everything! Is that a known fetish?

No, that is absolutely normal and healthy behavior. – DTG

As I run around the shop, barking orders and giving directions to my employees, my coffee cup doesn't seem to be able to keep up with me! I spend valuable looking for my lost coffee cup. How can duct fix this problem?

Duct tape your coffee cup into your hand. Or, skip the cup and duct tape damp coffee grounds to your arm to make a caffeine patch. – DTG

I have a cat that has a scratching post but instead prefers to use the couch. What can I do?

Put duct tape, sticky-side-out on the place that you want the cat to stay away from. The cat will scratch it once, get stuck on the tape and never scratch it again (tape present or not). – DTG

I have a 100-pound Rottweiller a bad attitude and a bad case of fleas. The vet won’t touch her. How can duct tape help with the flea problem?

Encase your entire dog in duct tape. No more fleas, no more shedding, and eventually, no more dog! – DTG

My office PC keeps crashing. Our company's computer nerds can't seem to fix it. Can duct tape help?

Wrap your PC in duct tape, use it as a boat anchor or door stop. Then go out and buy a Macintosh. – DTG

I’m going on a cruise but I can’t swim. Are there any precautionary measures that I should take?

Yes, we suggest duct taping unopened potato chip bags onto your arms. That way, if you fall overboard, you can stay afloat until you learn how to tread water. Then, you can open the bags and have a supply of food until you’re rescued. – DTG

I lost a library book somewhere in my messy house. How can duct tape help me find it again?

Do what we do: Cover yourself in duct tape, sticky-side out, and roll around the house picking up all the loose objects. Have your roommate pick the stuff off of you and either put it where it belongs, file it, or throw it away. Continue rolling until the book shows up. (It is customary to give your assistant any money that is found during this process.) – DTG 

I like to customize my clothing with duct tape but the duct tape falls off in the washer and I don’t want to keep replacing the duct tape every time I wash the clothes. What should I do?

No problem! Just make your clothing entirely out of duct tape and you never need to wash it. Just hose yourself off once in a while. – DTG 

Is possible to make a shark proof suit out of only duct tape?

If you use enough duct tape (about eighty layers), the shark shouldn’t be able to bite through it. However, you still would probably be squished to death leaving your crushed body firmly preserved in the duct tape suit - like a massive metallic mummy. Then again, even if you survived the jaws of the shark, you would probably die a claustrophobic death being wrapped in so much duct tape. If you want to dabble with dangerous fish, better stick with baby piranha. Just cover your finger in about eight layers of tape and plunge your finger into the tank. – DTG

I accidentally drove my SUV through the back wall of my garage, down a twenty-foot drop and into a flowing stream full of raw sewage. The tow company says there's nothing they can do except let the car sit, is there any way that duct tape could?

No duct tape needed here. Count your blessings and go out and find a fuel-efficient car. – DTG

I just got a new bike and don’t care to have it stolen (like my last one). Is there any way that duct tape can prevent bike theft?

To avoid the heartache of a stolen bike, simply cover the entire frame with duct tape into which you have woven barbed wire (available at your local farm/ranch supply store). Would-be thieves will think twice before touching your bike. Just make sure you are extra careful and are bow-legged when you ride the thing, or you will be using duct tape as a bandaging material for your own cuts. – DTG

My prostate is the size of a grapefruit. How can duct tape help me fix this?

A couple strips of duct tape, strategically placed, will prevent you from wetting your pants while you make your way to the phone to schedule surgery. – DTG

If I were blinded and I fell into a lake, how would duct tape help me get ashore?

Only a rigorous training program will help you should this situation arise. To do this, simulate blindness by covering your eyes with duct tape and then walking backwards into a lake, then walking back into shore. Do this many times, going further out each time. Eventually, you will be able to handle blind swimming with no problem. In fact, for you lap swimmers with chlorine-sensitive eyes, cover your eyes with duct tape to prevent the redness. Just feel for the lane ropes to maintain your course. – DTG

My moose is on fire! What do I do?

Obviously, you weren’t cut out for moose ownership – since only neglect could have caused this situation. Too late now. Go out, buy some buns, then settle back and enjoy some moose burgers. (Use duct tape to remove any remaining moose hair from the burger.) – DTG

I take really bad pictures. How can duct tape help me become a better photographer?

Duct tape the camera to your face allowing one eye to see only what is in the viewfinder of the camera. Soon, you’ll be recognizing the difference between a real photo opportunity and stuff that is just commonplace. When you see a great frame - just reach up to the camera and click the shutter. – DTG

I'm really tired of emptying the dishwasher. How can duct tape relieve me of this chore without creating any new ones?

Tape the dishwasher door shut. This will prevent you from loading it and thereby never have to unload it. Then duct tape over paper plates to create some strong, disposable plates. – DTG

I can never seem to get my Kool Aid to taste right. It’s always too sugary or not sweet enough. How can duct tape help?

Duct tape the Kool Aid package instructions to the side of the appropriately sized sugar-measuring cup. – DTG

My sister plays the organ and tends to slip off the front of the wooden organ bench; She won’t let me put duct tape sticky-side up on the bench because she doesn’t want the sticky goo on her dress. How can I help her?

Make her a special organ recital dress out of duct tape [photo]. Build in two little squares of duct tape, sticky-side-out on the "butt" area of the duct tape dress. This will stop the sliding. It may also gain her notoriety as the “Duct Tape Organ Diva” and propel her career. – DTG

I went to a horse show and my horse pulled up lame. Is there anything I can do to fix his foot with duct tape so I can jump him in the next class?

Duct tape is always a staple in a tack shed and at the large animal vet. Just tape the horse's leg up real good and it will give it the extra strength that it needs to heal up quickly. – DTG

My little kitten keeps coughing up hairballs, Is there any hope for her with the use of duct tape?

Sure. Just feed your cat little balls of sticky-side-out duct tape. When they pass through the cat's system, the fur will stick to the duct tape balls and pass right through to the litter box. – DTG

The choke on my 1983 AMC Eagle refuses to work when it’s colder than 35 degrees outside. Is there any way to fix this situation with duct tape?

Duct tape a heating pad to the engine temperature sensor and it won't know that it is less than 35 degrees out. In the absence of a heating pad you can substitute a little kitten (just kidding). – DTG

My computer screen is fuzzy. Can Duct Tape fix it?

Yes. Purchase some reading glasses. Punch out the lenses, and duct tape the lenses right over your eyes. The screen will sharpen right up. If it doesn't, you might want to duct tape your head into a paint shaker and turn it on for about three minutes. Then, everything will be fuzzy – making the computer monitor look normal. – DTG 

Which came first: the chicken, the egg, or duct tape?

Duct tape wasn't invented until the 1940s – so we’ll take a wild guess and say that the egg came first followed by the chicken, and then duct tape (which comes in handy when constraining your chickens so they don't cross the road). – DTG

I have recently lost my two front teeth while playing soccer. It's very hard for me to chew my food and talk. How can duct tape help me?

Make some duct tape dentures. You can use either white duct tape, silver, or yellow for the 1960’s British look). If you need the new teeth to be harder, duct tape over a dime. – DTG

I'm trying to get a new job – can duct tape convince my prospective employer to hire me?

Yes, bind and gag them with duct tape and only release them when you’re hired and they’ve signed a nice severance package for you. – DTG

I've wanted to start snow boarding but I don't have money for the equipment so I was wondering if I could make a snowboard out of duct tape?

Make a super-sized snowboard by duct taping your boots to an upside down ironing board and hit the slopes. – DTG

I’m a vegan and wanted to know if there are any types of animal products in the tape’s adhesive?

Have you ever heard of 100% Pure Pork Duct Tape? Neither have we. No, duct tape is made from a rubber-based adhesive, plastic, and a cloth mesh (made from plant or synthetic). And, by the way, it's NOT edible. So, as much as you might be tempted to eat it as a meat substitute, we'd recommend against it. – DTG

I'm a drummer. Is any way to keep me from throwing my sticks?

Just drink eight cups of coffee before your next gig, tape your sticks into your hands, lower the sticks towards the drum heads and you’ll be doing one-handed rolls to rival Buddy Rich, no problem! – DTG

How could duct tape have prevented the fall of the Roman Empire?

Heck, if the Roman Empire had duct tape, it would never have fallen. They would have been the dominating world power to this day! Unfortunately, duct tape wasn’t invented until World War II (by the U.S. Military to keep the moisture out of ammunition cases). Now look who's the dominant world power! – DTG

My favorite NFL football team is in third place in their division. How could duct tape help them win?

Duct tape the hands of your receivers, sticky-side-out. Then, duct tape the yard lines, sticky-side-up and don't tell the opposing teams. Talk about home field advantage! – DTG

My hollandaise sauce has separated. How can I repair this with duct tape?

We'd suggest putting the hollandaise in a jar and duct taping the jar to a jackhammer. The vibration will remix the sauce in no time. (Remember to share your sauce and your duct tape with the workman who lent you the use of his jackhammer.) – DTG

The light on the on-off button on my cordless phone is bothersome at night. How can I turn it off with duct tape?

Duh! Just duct tape over the light. By the way, this also works on the flashing 12:00 on your VCR. – DTG

I’ve been playing the cello for four years, and I would like to think that I am pretty good. Some of my songs require really hard bowing, which is hard on the horsehair on my bow. How can I keep the bow hair from breaking on me?

We've never tried it, but we imagine that duct tape around your bow, sticky-side out, it would make a really fine, durable alternative to the bow hair. And, since duct tape made from synthetic material, there will be no bald horses as a result of your cello playing. – DTG

I am seriously into dance. In dance, flexibility means everything. My splits to the front are pretty good, but my side slits are somewhat lacking. How can I use duct tape to improve my flexibility doing the side splits?

Stand with each foot duct taped to each of two chairs. Have a friend slowly move the chairs apart. You will gain flexibility that you never knew you were capable of as your butt plummets toward the floor. By the way, duct tape and a couple of paint stirring sticks makes a great splint for broken ankles. – DTG

I live in Pittsburgh and my office is in Singapore. I fly 27 hours each way once a month to go to work. How can duct tape make this absolutely unbearably long flight shorter?

Call a taxi. Duct tape a note to your chest that says, "Take me to the airport and load me on flight #___." Make sure you have your boarding pass and enough money for the cab fare attached to the note. Then, duct tape a bunch of bricks precariously over the front door of your house. When you open the door as you leave for the airport, the bricks will fall on your head rendering you unconscious. The taxi driver will read the note, load you in the cab, take you to the airport, and get you on the flight. You should regain consciousness somewhere near your destination. For the duration of the flight, duct tape ice to your head to ease the swelling and the resultant headache. It’s that simple! Safe travels! – DTG