Below are some excerpts from the ONLY book parody of the Beanie Baby collectable phenomenon, The Official Beanie Basher Handbook. This book is a must-buy for both Beanie Haters AND Beanie Lovers alike --- as this book is a vital part of this tremendous (some might say tragic) collectable phenomenon. CLICK HERE to order online NOW through Amazon.com. It’s just $7.95 and makes a great gift.

INTRODUCTION
Since 1993, people worldwide have been buying little plush stuffed animals by the millions! The most popular of these stuffed toys are Beanie Babies® brought to you by Ty, Inc., Oak Brook, Illinois. Each of the over one hundred Beanies (at the time of this printing) is produced in quantities of up to 10,000,000. Beanies outsell Barbie dolls! Ty indeed has become the McDonald’s Corporation of the plush toy world. (McDonald’s is also located in Oak Brook, Illinois, and, by the way, just purchased 240 million Teenie-Beanies™, which they intend to sell within a month.)
I have personally witnessed the horror of women actually at each other’s throats grabbing for these limp little critters as soon as they reach the retail bins. Why? Is there something in these Beanies that they are after? Do they really think Beanies are that cute? Or do they believe that plush and beans will be the next world currency?
This book discusses the finer points of Beaniedom and uncovers findings that, without the diligence of our team of crack researchers and the selfless desire of our publisher to bring to light their startling discoveries, might have been found only in the pages of The National Enquirer.
It is our sincere desire that our findings can save just one person from financial ruin, or at the very least, deter a full-fledged alien invasion.
--- “Dr.” B. Neebascher (pronouned Knee-Basher)
July 1998

GUEST EDITORIAL (click here) “The Hunt” - by Dale Connell

Hear actual sound bytes from “Dr.” Neebascher. Click here.

From Chapter Four: RETIRING YOUR OWN BEANIES

No need to wait until someone tells you that your Beanies have been retired. Just follow these easy hints and you can retire your own Beanies right now! We don’t guarantee that they will go up in value, but you WILL have fun!

Below left: Beanie Chipper
It worked for that guy in the Fargo movie, and it’ll work for your entire Beanie collection. Note: The resultant “Beanie chips” make a great mulch for your garden. (For other recycling hints, see chapter five.)

Below right: Hedging Your Bets
Here is a way to retire multiple Beanies at once. Simply place the Beanies in the teeth of your electric hedge trimmer and plug it in. Caution: Using this technique may also retire your fingers.
Above: Are the Beanies part of an Alien Invasion? Read more about the startling evidence in Chapter Three: Conspiracy Theories.

The book offers creative and hysterically inappropriate ways to RETIRE YOUR OWN BEANIES including the two pictured below. Each has a lovely photograph demonstrating technique.
You will also learn “Dr.” B. Neebascher’s theory of Beanie Evolution. and witness an actual BEANIE AUTOPSY (too graphic to be shown on this web site. Look for the book in your local bookstore, or order NOW from Amazon.com).

The book offers over sixty (60) ways to recycle and reuse your Beanies once you have found out that your collection is virtually worthless. Here are just two of those ways followed by a handy list to get your creative juices flowing.

 From Chapter Five: ALTERNATIVE USES FOR BEANIES

You may feel like donating your entire Beanie collection to your local refuse service once you come to realize that you’ve been duped.
STOP!
Restrain yourself! There are obviously plenty more environmentally and socially responsible uses for your collection than dumping them in the local landfill! Put your Beanies to work for you by implementing clever ideas like these:

Below left: Beanie Airbag
Car not equipped with an airbag? This idea is probably safer than having 300 pounds of bag thrust into your face. Just epoxy an assortment of Beanies to your steering wheel.

Below right: Beanie Club Covers
Cut a horizontal slit between your Beanies’ hind legs and they’ll fit nicely over your putter and irons as club covers. Too bad there’s a fourteen-club limit! That’s okay, just make sets for your golfing buddies, too!
It should be obvious by now that Beanies really can be contributing members of society. You just have to look at them creatively. Before we set you loose, here are a few more alternative Beanie uses to get your creative juices flowing:

Beanie window coverings (glue on old window shade)
Prop up legs of wobbly furniture
Remote control cover (slit, empty, and slide over remote)
Beanie insoles (stuff into shoes for cushioned walk)
Beanie-hide picture frame cover for the kiddies’ room
Beanied fireworks (tape to rocket and launch)
Butt, breast, or spine enhancers---stuff and strut
Beanie ammunition for mini-pillow fights
Beanie-lump mattress for unwanted overnight guests
Beanie biceps (fake under-shirt muscles)
Beanie padding for any sport
Beanie blindfold eye covering for mind-reading act
Beanie Hair Club for Men (just glue onto scalp)
Beanie kneelers for roofing technicians
Glue to sharp corners of overhead cupboards
Fill with cement and use as doorstop
Beanie pin cushion

There will never be a shortage of Beanies---and what to do with them is limited only by your imagination!

Read “Dr.” B. Neebascher’s FAN mail and HATE mail --- and send some of your own. Just click here.