Cooking Humor, Bachelor Cooking, Parody

Move over Julia Child, Geoffrey Smith, and Food Network stars...
Ken is ready to share some of his own recipes with Web surfers.
Ken's lookin' for new recipes, too. Enter Ken's contest and he will test your recipe.
If it passes mustard (insert your own joke here),
Ken will award you with the "I Cooked with Ken Award"
and post your recipe here for all the world to try.

Hey folks! Ken here. Our cuisine is constantly changing thanks to the submissions from clever cooks like you. In fact, the less you know about cooking, the more creative the offerings can be - no rules, no limitiations (except that your recipes have to be made with three ingredients or less).

Let's Cook!

What's under that smock that Ken cooks in?
Click here to see the results of Ken's Bachelor Cuisine Bulk-up Program.

Three or fewer Ingredients

Send Ken your best recipe using three or fewer ingredients.
Winners will be judged on creativity, finesse in naming the recipe,
overall plate appearance when Ken finishes cooking it, and flavor.
Recipes that give Ken gas or food poisoning are automatically disqualified.
All recipes submitted become the property of Ken and Bad Dog Press.

Winners get to legally post this GIF Award on their site:

Just like these folks did:

Skillet Bean Supper
From the frying pan of Anita Willis

1 large can of Baked Beans
1 lb. of Ground Beef

Scramble/fry the ground beef. When nearly done (all browned), stir in the entire can of beans. Serve on slices of bread with salt and pepper.

Ken sez: Serving it on the slices of bread was really a nice gourmet touch!
Thanks Anita - with cuisine like this you’re bound to be makin’ some lucky guy happy!

Cheap Chickie Barbecue
From the frying pan of Tracy Howard (a guy)

1 can white meat chicken
Bulls Eye or other barbeque sauce.

Dump the chicken in a skillet and stir in barbeque sauce to taste.When warm serve on hamburger buns or white bread.

- Tracy Howard

Ken sez: I went for a truly authentic slow-cooked barbecue. Simply put the frying pan on the lowest possible heat and let it sit there for a few days (until a plastic-like film covers the sauce)!

Here's a quick munchie you can whip up for friends minutes before game time.
Sweet and Sour Weenies
A package of hot dogs (preferably all beef)
grape jelly
Cut up hot dogs (cocktail weenie style). In a small microwavable bowl or can heat on stove (if you watch it close) mix together mustard and
grape jelly. Amount will vary to your taste depending on how sweet or how sour you want it. Add weenies and cover bowl with microwavable saran wrap and heat. If you want to make a big batch the crock pot is good for that. If you put it in the crock pot you don't have to babysit it as
much.  Insert toothpicks if you display your dish or sit toothpicks out for your guests if you decide to sit your crock pot out and let them
spoon out their own. (It's easier if you do that, and plus you can put the crock pot on warm)
- Angie

Ken sez: Try switching the yellow mustard to a hot and spicy mustard for a real flavor treat!

Better-Than-Lucky Charms Breakfast

1 package of flavored instant oatmeal
1/2 cup milk(or other semi-liquid dairy product)
1/3 cup of marshmallows

Mix oatmeal and marshmallows in a bowl and mix. Add milk.
Good alternative for breakfast cereal.

Ken sez: To get that authentic Lucky Charms taste, make sure you let the marshmallows get good and stale and dried out before you eat them.

Shrimp on the Spambee

This is a great appetizer when you have guests over, or just vegging in front of the PlayStation.
They’re bite size and so easy to grab, you don’t even have to pause!

I can of Spam
Frozen Breaded Popcorn Shrimp
Velveeta cheese

Pry spam out of can. Slice into two or three flat sections. Fry it up in a frying pan; grease should not be necessary. When both sides are relatively brown, use the edge of a thin metal spatula to cut the slices into little squares. Make sure the inside isn't too pink or you'll be sucking down the pink stuff later, if you know what I mean. Salting is also a good idea. When it all looks cooked, remove from heat and set aside.

Microwave the shrimp according to what it says on the box. Melt the velveeta cheese in a cup.
Take one crispy spam square and place a shrimp on top. Unless you made canjun spam squares, it should press right in.
Drizzle the cheeze over top of it according to taste.
Repeat until you run out of either Spam or shrimp.

Note: These are just as good cold! If slightly more congealed.

Ken sez: WARNING: If you eat these when they are piping hot - they have a tendency to act like napalm on the roof of your mouth.

Kate’s Pinwheels

1 pound ground beef
1 can cream of mushroom soup (or cream of celery soup)
1 package frozen pie dough

Brown the ground beef, add soup and slather on the pie dough.
Roll up and put on a cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for about 25 minutes or until the pie dough is light brown.
My kids love these. We slice them up and call them "Pinwheels."

Ken sez: Wow - sounds terrific! I wish I were your kid!

Pedersen Family Soup

1 can of chicken broth
1 can beans (black or kidney)
1 egg

Directions: 1) hard boil the egg. (fill a saucepan halfway with water, bring it to a boil then set
the egg in gently. let boil for eight to ten minutes. dump out water and put egg in
freezer to cool off.
2) take the same pan, and dump the broth and the beans into it. put back on stove, and
heat it.
3) peel the egg (aka remove from shell).
4) put the egg in a bowl and pour the hot broth and beans over the top.
5) EAT

Ken sez: Your family name doesn't have to be Pedersen to make or eat this soup.

No Mess, No Grill Grilled Cheese

2 pieces of bread
Cheese Whiz

Toast bread slices (or leave them out in the sun for a couple of days).
Smear on Cheese Whiz

Ken sez: I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of this one before this. It reminds me of my grade school lunches. Ummmm...
There’s some fine eatin’!

Chester’s Salmonella Eggs

4 large eggs
1 can of hard smoked salmon
2 teaspoons of capers (yes, straight men DO eat these things)

Pour the liquid off the salmon, then crumble it into a bowl.
Break the eggs into the bowl
(or you can break them into another bowl one at a time if you're afraid of a few shells),
add the capers and scramble it all together.
Put it in a pan and cook it till it's done.
If your pan isn't non-stick you
can add some oil (olive oil is my personal fav).

Ken sez: I can’t believe it! This tasted so good, I thought I was at a four star restaurant and had paid $30 for breakfast!
It was crunchier with the shells --- but that’s probably just a matter of personal taste.

Whipped on Whip

Whipped Cream
Chocalate Sauce (optional)
Fruit (optional)


Take a large punchbowl and mix in ingredients according to layers..
1 layer whipped cream
1 layer fruit
(repeat until bowl is filled - but make sure last layer on top is whipped cream)

or you could mix 1 layer whipped cream
1 layer chocalate sauce.
(repeat until bowl is filled - but make sure last layer on top is Chocolate Sauce)

Eat it by sticking your head in the bowl and try and dive for the food you put in.

Ken sez: I like whipped cream as much as the next guy, but your preparation is WAY too difficult, RAS.
All you have to do is squirt the whipped cream in your mouth,
then drizzle in chocolate syrup and throw in the optional fruit.
Then there are no dishes to wash. Duh!

Any kind of Cola
Whipped cream (preferably the kind that comes in a can)
maraschino cherry (optional)

Fill 3/4 of a glass with cola. Put as much whippped cream on as you can fit under the rim of the glass, and drink.
A single maraschino cherry may be added.

Ken sez: I dig chocolate Cokes --- so I offer this alternative: Skip the whipped cream and mix one tablespoon of chocolate syrup or cocoa powder with a slosh of cola in a blender or glass --- liquify, then pour in the rest of the can of cola. It's KOKOAKOKACHINO.
Try it over ice or blended with ice to make a FRAPAKOKOAKOKACHINO.

Bumble B’s Peanut Butter Cookies

Peanut Butter

Put Cookies on Paper Towel or Plate. Spread Peanut Butter on Cookies. Eat.

Ken sez: If you like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, use Oreo’s or Hydrox as the cookie base.

Ken’s Clean the ’Fridge Eggs

Beat up eggs.
Anything you got in the refridgerator that doesn't have fur on it.

Heat pan, spray with non-stick spray or lube with a butter pat or something.
If you find a vegetable, meat item, or fruit, sautee that item in the pan until warmed through.
Dump on eggs and scramble.
If you find cottage cheese, cream cheese, salsa, cheese whiz, or sour cream, mix these right in with the eggs before scrambling on the hot pan.
Top with washed chives (or grass clippings) to make it look fancy.

It might be good, it might be great, or it might just help you get that old stuff into the garbage before it grows fur.

Ken sez: Serendipity wasn't just a horridly saccarine-sweet singing group in the seventies...It's a prime ingredient in good cooking!

Don’s Koffee ’n Kreme

Coffee (preferably black)
Vanilla ice cream
Whipped cream (optional)

Don't pour out that left-over breakfast coffee...pour it into a container
and let it sit until lunch time.
After lunch, pour one cup of coffee into a parfait glass or large cup.
Add two/three scoops of vanilla ice cream.
Stir or blend to milk-shake consistency and add a scoop or squirt of whipped cream.

It ain't low cal, but it is delicious...enjoy!

Ken sez: Remember, if you are going to blend the coffee and ice cream, remove it from the parfait glass or large cup first. (Live and learn.)

Macho Nachos for the weight-conscious bachelor


1/2 lb. ground turkey
2 cups Pace picante sauce
(I like the HOT kind, but wimps can choose medium or mild varieties)
Tortilla Chips (if you truly are watching your weight, look for BAKED tortilla chips)

Brown turkey in a large skillet over medium heat, jabbing at it occasionally
like you do for scrambled eggs, until its brown and crumbly. (hint, since the
turkey doesn't have much fat in it, it tends to stick to the pan, especially
if you started with a clean one. You might want to use some cooking spray or
something slippery (motor oil is NOT a good choice) to grease the pan first.

Remove from heat, stir in salsa.

Arrange chips in a stable pile on a plate, then pour mixture over chips, and
enjoy! Or, if you can't find a clean plate, just eat the chips from the bag,
dipping them into mixture in the pan.


Ken sez: Forget the diet and add a five pound block of Velveeta to the mix. You've got yourself some tasty eattin’!.

Pickled Chicken with Bad Breath


1 chicken or favorite parts (thighs taste great)
5 limes
7 cloves garlic

Squeeze limes, chop garlic fine and mix together. Put chicken/parts in
plastic produce bag and pour in lime/garlic marinade. Tie off bag, put
the bag in another bag and tie that off to avoid possible leakage. Put
in fridge. Marinate 45 minutes or longer, overnight is fine. Put chicken
on open roasting pan and cook in 375 oven for 1 hour 20 minutes or until
browned. Pour a little marinade of the chickenn a couple of times during
cooking. Yum.

- Sarah

Ken sez: I tripled the amount of garlic Sarah called for and had my own seat on the bus for two weeks.

This recipe has an English flavor to it (Or is it a chemically-created cheese flavor?).
London’s Cheap Sidedish


Save the cheese pack from Michael’s Mac
[State-side, usethe cheese pack from Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or a cheap rip-off product].
Dump it in a batch of instant mashed potatoes.

Turns them (and your tongue) into a nice bright orange color.

- compliments of "londonaftrdark."

Ken sez: I've heard about how hideous Brit cuisine (?) is... having read this recipe, I’d question that presumption.
Why doesn't some food company sell this chemical cheese powder in bulk?

This recipe is adapted from from Leslie Greer (who obviously has a cast iron stomach).

GI Bean System-Cleansing Mexi-Melt


Beans in tomato sauce (MRE single serving in convenient foil-lined cooking pouch)
Hot Chunky Salsa (the best you can find)
Grated Parmesian Cheese

Heat beans in microwave
(remove from foil pouch first to avoid sparks, explosion, and a worse clean-up than you'll have if you cook this mess the correct way)
When the beans are a poppin' and splattering their tiny guts on the walls of the microwave,
remove them from the oven and stir in your hot chunky salsa.
Sprinkle some grated parmesian cheese over the mix.
This is a great Monday morning fix for the all-weekend-out-partying grunge.

Leslie notes that if you live too far from a military base to scab some beans off of an unwitting soldier,
the grocery store four cans for a dollar variety are just as well suited for this task.

*Ken sez: Please refer all complaints to Leslie's attorneys.

Bad Puppy Pinwheels


Flour Tortillas
Onion/Chive-Flavored Cream Cheese
Thin Ham Slices

Spread cream cheese thinly on a flour tortilla. Top with a layer of ham.
Roll up into a log and slice into 1/2 inch thick pinwheels if you want to impress your buds or ladies.
Or just munch on the log without cutting if you're in a rush to get back to that football game on the boob tube.

- Peggy

*Ken sez: What's up with you people? You're wrecking my record for having utterly wierd, seldom palatable recipies! These things tasted great, too. I tried them with the jalapeño cream cheese and hot pastrami slices -- equally tasty! Thanks Peggy!

Speargrass in a Pig

Pickled Asparagas
Cream Cheese
Proscutto Ham

Spread cream cheese lightly on a slice of ham. Place a spear of asparagus at one end of the ham and roll ham around the spear so that the cream cheese holds the ham in a pinwheel. Slice into 1" pieces. Continue until all ham and asparagus is used and serve with toothpicks.

- David and Heidi Weeden

*Ken sez: Hey, this actually tasted great! I made these for the gang's poker party and they accused me of getting too gourmet. Next time I'll bring a bag of chips.

After Midnight Munchies / Peanut Butter Cookies
(stores are closed, limited ingredients, emergency cookies)

1 cup of peanut butter (the crunchy kind rocks, but smooth is, well, smooth)
1 cup of granulated sugar (as opposed to the powered variety)
1 egg

Preheat your oven to 350°. Mix up the ingredients in a bowl (it's best to crack the egg and discard the shell). Put tablespoon size blobs of the mixture on a cooie sheet and bake for 7 to 10 minutes (or more or less -- if they're black, cook the next batch less, if they are gooey, cook the next batch more).
This recipe really works. My mother, a kitchen wiz who always uses more than three ingredients has no idea how this concoction turns into cookies, being as how there's no flour involved, but I swear to you, these are the most rockin' cookies.

- beth anne maier

*Ken sez: I tant taut rit dow, I dot penu butta tuk ta da root od my mout.

Pumpkin Eye Soup

One pound or so of raw pumpkin, skin removed and cubed.
(Use the eyes, nose and mouth that you cut out of your jack-o-lantern)
2 cups of water
1 teaspoon of cumin

Toss is all together and simmer about 20 minutes.*

*Ken sez: Then toss it on your garden for fertilizer. It will probably keep the pests away.

Don's Onion Crispie

1 - regular size onion flavored bun
2 - tablespoons of soft cream cheese
2 - teaspoons of onion flakes

Slice the bun open (like a hamburger bun) and toast until both sides are golden brown.
Spread both pieces generously with cream cheese then sprinkle with onion flakes.

- Don Burgin

*Ken sez: I grew up on onion bagels and cream cheese so this one made me think of mom who broiled them to a golden buttery perfection and lathered on the cream cheese. She just didn't go overboard and put on onion flakes... she was probably trying to keep my breath tolerable in hopes that I would find a nice girl and move out.

Papa Pizza

1 thick slice of bread (preferably white)
sharp cheddar cheese

Cover the bread slice with slabs of cheddar cheese
Cover the cheese with ketchup (or catsup in the south and west)
Bake in the toaster oven.

- Ezra Hale

*Ken sez: Give it a whirl! Spin the bread on your index finger before putting the toppings on for a more truly Italian flavor (which are acquired after picking it up off the floor).

Michael's Mac

1 can tuna (any brand)
1 Mac and Cheese box (any brand)
1 can cream of mushroom soup

Boil the macaroni and cheese (throw out the powdered cheese*)
Strain the water off. Throw in the can of mushroom soup and tuna (drained).
Mix and serve.

- Michael Fibison

*Ken sez: Keep that packet of powdered cheese and sprinkle it on your popcorn!
Ya, we know that you can buy plain macaroni noodles without the powdered cheese... but hey -- FREE powdered cheese!

Vegetarian Heartburn Casserole

Cook 1 package instant Rice
Saute 4 Large Mushrooms
Add 1 Cup of Hot Salsa to mushrooms and heat
Add Cooked rice to Salsa and mushrooms then eat
- Abalone

Ken sez: I'd rather use fettucini than the rice--just so I can call it "Fungal Furnace Fettuccini"
Abalone's recipe did the trick though... Gave me the worst heartburn I've had in years!
Pass the Mylanta®!

Wisconsin Ruffage Stew

One head of green cabbage
One 8 oz jar of Cheesewhiz®
Cut cabbage in half placing one half cut-side-up in bowl.
Spoon on Cheezewhiz.
Microwave 3 minutes, or until Cheezewhiz disappears into head.
(Throw the other half of the cabbage away.)
- Tony

Ken sez: It's wacky! If you like Corned Beef and Cabbage, you just might like this.

BLT Quickie

tomato slices
bacon bits

Assemble for the fastest BLT in the world

- Anonymous

Peanut Butter Ravioli

For each ravioli, take 2 slices of bread (Wonder Bread® is best!)
Cut each slice in a circle shape using a cookie cutter
Flatten the bread-circles with your fist
(it helps to be listening to Rush Limbaugh at this point)
Put a small scoop of peanut butter onto one flattened bread-circle
Cover with the other flattened bread-circle
Crimp the edges tightly together
Pop in the toaster till nicely browned
Turn the toaster upside down to get the raviolis out.
When you bite into them, the melted peanut butter oozes out - messy but good!

Recipe Variation: For holidays and festive occasions, use cookie cutters in the shapes
of Christmas trees, pumpkins, valentines, etc. If you don't have a
cookie cutter, ask Mom if you can use a knife, or nibble around the
bread slice till it's the desired shape. This takes some time to do
correctly, but it's fun.

-- Tim Grundmann


Two marshmallows sandwiched between two slices of Spam.
Microwave for 30 seconds, or pan fry on both sides until nicely greased and browned.
Enjoy (?) alone or with friends while singing a rousing round of Kumbaya.

-- June (Mrs. Millard) America

That's it so far. Bookmark this page for periodic doses of Ken's Cuisine and
Kitchen wisdom. Want more wacky humor? Check out The Duct Tape Guys!

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