as found in this hilarious book from St. Martin’s Press
Click on book to order online right now!
by Joey Green, Tony Dierckins and Tim (the Duct Tape Guy) Nyberg
On toys. On hair dryers. On compact discs. On take-out coffee cups.
Almost everything for sale today comes with a warning. Why? Now, most people have
enough common sense not to take a bath with an electric blender, but thanks to a few morons
out there who sued big companies and won huge settlements, products now come with
warnings that treat customers like a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
So here are some samples from the more than one hundred of the most ridiculous
REAL warning labels on today’s products.
Found on the instruction sheet of a Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer:
WARNING: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping.
And never blow dry your hair while you’re sleeping in the shower.
Found on Axius Sno-Off Automobile Windshield cover:
Caution: Never drive with the cover on your windshield.
Unless, of course, you cut a big hole in it so you can see.
FDA Proposed warning label for packages of Frito-Lay’s new Max potato chips, made with Olestra fat substitute:
This product contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Olestra inhibits the absorption of some vitamins and other nutrients. Vitamins A, D, E and K have been added.
It's a potato chip! No, it's a laxative! No, it's a multi-vitamin!
Found on packages of Betty Crocker Fruit Roll-ups:
Peel fruit from cellophane before eating.
If consumers can’t tell the difference between your product and its packaging, you might consider adding more fruit flavor.
Found on Tootsietoy Marshall eight-shot ring cap pistol:
Warning: Do not use indoors. Do not fire closer than one foot from ears or eyes.
Should be used under adult supervision. Ring caps for guns may be hazardous if misused.
Do not fire more than four ring caps consecutively. Do not carry ring caps in your pockets.
This warning raises several questions. Where can you find kids who want an adult supervising their play constantly? Where can you find an adult who wants to supervise kids’ play constantly? If you aren’t supposed to fire more than four ring caps at a time, why make it an eight-shooter? Where are you supposed to carry ring caps if not in your pocket? But the most important question here is: why buy your kid a toy gun in the first
Found on a Bungee cord:
USE EXTREME CAUTION when stretching cord over load. Keep face and other vulnerable body parts away from potential cord rebound path.
But feel free to attach the Bungee cord to yourself and leap off of a tall bridge.
Found a box of Tampax Tampons:
Remove used tampon before inserting a new one.
Well now, that might explain the irritability associated with the use of this product.
Found on a box of Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts:
Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated.
Wow! Free physics lesson with every box!
Found on “Bat Man The Animated Series Armor Set” Halloween costume box:
PARENT: Please exercise caution—mask and chest plate are not protective; cape does not enable wearer to fly.
Parent: If your child believes that a polyester sheet enables flight, you should probably examine that Halloween candy more closely.
Sticker found on the base of a Bell Phones 900 megahertz cordless telephone:
Need help? Call (800) 888-8990 between 8 AM - 4:30 PM PST
If your phone isn’t working, how are you supposed to call the help line?
Found in specifications for a fire alarm system:
There shall be three (3) access levels with level 4 being the highest level.
These instructions are flawed for two reasons: 1. numeric inconsistency, B. the reader shall have to reread it three times and won’t understand it until the fourth, and III. they neglected to mention Level 5.
Found in a television set’s owner’s manual:
Do not pour liquids into your television set.
And please don’t use your VCR as a toaster.
Found on the handle of a hammer:
Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.
Such as, perhaps, the head of the idiot who came up with this warning in the first place?
Found on a butane lighter:
Warning: Flame may cause fire.
Similarly, the water emitted from squirt guns may cause wetness.
Brother Kane's Peanuts
Contains this warning after the ingredients (Peanuts, Peanut Oil, Salt):
This product may contain trace amounts of peanuts and other tree nuts.
Birth Control for Breakfast?
Newspapers recently reported a story of a lawsuit in New England brought on by a woman against a manufacturer of contraceptive jelly.
It seems the young lady found the product came without clear instructions. She made some toast, spread the contraceptive jelly on it, and ate it. When she became pregnant, she sued the manufacturer.
We can only assume that in the future, the packaging of contraceptive jellies will include a warning similar to this:
WARNING: This is not an oral contraceptive. Eating this product will not prevent pregnancy, has no nutritional value, tastes like wallpaper paste, and is not part of a complete breakfast.
The book also features dozens of that you can place on stuff yourself.
(That’s worth the price of the book alone!)
For example:
WARNING: This beverage is HOT! Allow to cool before spilling into your crotch.
WARNING: Failure to return this toilet seat to the “down” position may lead to marital disharmony.
WARNING: Failure to share use of this TV remote control can result in serious injury or death.
WARNING: We have not made any effort to provide you with any warnings about the extreme dangers associated with this product. Use at your own risk.
Want more? Click on the book at the top of this page to order it online right now!
WARNING: Reading this book may cause spontaneous, uncontrollable laughter.
©1998 by Joey Green, Tony Dierckins and Tim Nyberg
Published by St. Martin’s Press
The following suggested warnings were contributed by various people at
The Wrecked Humor Collection:
Contributed By: Ephialtes and these Additional Contributors: Susan Hewitt, Edward Subitzky, and David Cranor, who contend that perhaps we should start putting these warnings on all our products as according to many current theories of Physics these are true:
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers,
with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess
of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your
Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the
Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a
Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of
Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately
Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a, "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently
Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This
Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is
Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those
Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are, "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That
They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are
Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the
Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back
into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That
Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
WARNING: Please use this product with the utmost care and sensitivity. Children under the age of 10 have been known to
experience discomfort when informed as to the actual purpose of this product.
CAUTION: Toaster ovens not headgear.
It is because of lawsuits like Liebecks that everything we buy has a ridiculous warning on it. My lawn mower actually has a
warning that reads: DO NOT PLACE HANDS OR FEET UNDER MOWER WHILE BLADE IS SPINNING.
Duh!
It gets worse. My toaster oven came with a whole list of warnings. Do not touch heating coils. Do not stick foreign objects in
oven. For best results do not submerge oven in bathtub. Do not drop oven on your foot. Oven is not to be used as protective
headgear. The list goes on and on.
Each warning a product carries represents a previous lawsuit. For example, some moron in Tacoma went to work one day
with a toaster oven on his head instead of his hard hat. He was injured by a Scooby Doo lunch box someone dropped on
him. He sued the taster oven company as well as his employer, Hanna-Barbera, and just for good measure, the state of
Washington and the federal government. He won $6.33 million and bought a brand new trailer home and a collection of
commemorative Elvis plates. In response, the toaster over manufacturer decided to warn people of the limited uses of their
product.
Of course, I believe that companies should be held accountable for the safety of their products. I just think that our purposes
could be better served by one warning: Do not use this product if you are a complete imbecile.
Then the next time someone goes to court to sue both Nabisco and Ford, because neither company warned him that Jell-O
was not a suitable substitute for motor oil, the judge could quickly throw out the case and recommend that the plaintiff avoid
any pyramid investment opportunities.
A certain amount of common sense is necessary to survive in this world.
Coffee is hot, and it will burn you if youre not careful. If you don't understand this, then you've got bigger problems than a
$2.7 million settlement can solve.
And here are some new ones that we have found since publication:
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.