Got some humorous one-liners, observations, deep thoughts, self-defacing intros, Henny Youngmanesque stuff... that you'd like to share? E-mail your submissions to the Bit-O-Humor staff. This is stuff that can work good for liners and closing remarks.
Newer contributions are at placed at the top:
From the Strange, but Fertile Mind of Steven Wright:
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, 'Yes, but not right now.'
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice)
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright on The Big picture:
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
From a book called, 'Wisdom From The Walls,' by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder. They compiled some really great graffiti, and here it is:
'If you can piss this high, join the fire department.'
- On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If Clinton were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
- Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job.
- Women's Restroom. City View Tavern. Cincinnati, Ohio.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
- The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Sinatra
- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. -Heck, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
- The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C. write:
More Steven Wright Gems:
Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.
I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the Deli. Sold 'em a 3 for 28 bucks.
Once I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I like to bring a flash light to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents in? Somebody's makin' a penny.
I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them with ice cubes.
I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a megaphone.
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window and smile for a satellite picture.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues in all the other museums.
Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.
Years ago, I used to work in an organic health food store in Seattle, Washington and a man walked in and asked 'If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?'
I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Sometimes you can't hear me, because sometimes I am in parenthesis.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language. You put the album on, you put the headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day, now I can only stutter in Spanish.
I lost a button hole.
I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.
I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I like to leave messages before the beep.
I have a map of the U.S. that's actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile.
I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked 'Do you live around here often?'
You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
I broke a mirror in my house and I am supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.
I finally went to the eye doctor and got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I got flipups.
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.
I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.
One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.
I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.
In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.
I was walking my dog around the building...on the ledge.
I had a 3-year old puppy and I named him 'Stay'. He was really confused, I used to say, 'Come here, Stay', 'Come here, Stay'.
One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
When I was little, in my backyard we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
One time the police stopped me for speeding and said 'Don't you know the speed limit is only 55 miles an hour?' I said, 'I know, but I wasn't going to be be out that long.'
I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I like to fill my tub up with water, turn the shower on and pretend like I am in a submarine that has been hit.
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it will be up all night.
When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.
Last time I went skiing I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that so I slept with my skis on. When my ride came for me at 5:30 he couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house and strapped my skis to the roof of the car and drove right to the mountain. Seventeen (17) miles later I woke up and had a bizarre dream I was ski diving horizontally.
I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
This morning I couldn't find my socks, so I called information.
I'm tired of calling up the movies and getting the message on what's playing so I bought the album.
I went to a place to eat that said 'Breakfast Anytime'. So I ordered french toast during the Rennaisance.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark.
I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings. No paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
I went to a museum where all the paintings were done by children. All the paintings were up on refrigerators.
The ice-cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'
If you were in your vehicle traveling the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what would they do?
For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.
There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.
I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.
I wrote a song, but I don't know how to read music, so I don't know what it is.
When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.
First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
A while ago I had no electricity in my house. I had no lights, I couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won't accidently walk through another dimension.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and I almost went back in time.
I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out. Now I can go 500 mph.
I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in. Now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.
I like my dental hygnetist. I think she is very pretty. So when I go to have my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world.
I have 2 rare photographs. One is Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I was in a book store and saw a french looking girl. She was bi-illterate. She couldn't read in 2 languages.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.
I like the Stones. I can't beleive they're still doing it afer all the years...Fred & Barney.
I drove cross-country with a friend and we split the driving. We switched every half mile.
I just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology, the study of milkmen.
Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.
Last time I went camping I accidently borrowed a circus tent.
My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
MURPHY'S Laws on Work
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
- Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People are always available for work in the past tense.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
- The longer the title, the less important the job.
- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
- An 'acceptable' level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?... He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator -- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
More Trivial Facts of Life:
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
Thanks to:Jana N. Shoreview, MN
These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
Baby Boomers Then and Now
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: A KEG
Now: An EKG
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: Seeds and stems
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints
Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now: The President's struggle with fidelity
Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
New State Mottos:
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
THE BEST T-SHIRT SLOGANS of 1998:
"Filthy Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"I Used Up All My Sick Days So I Called In Dead"
"Be Nice to Your Children -- They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Life Is Hard; Then You Nap"
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"
"Just Hand Over the Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
"60-Year-Old One Owner Needs Parts Make Offer"
"I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Waiting for the Perfect Man" (Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Use Duct Tape"
"Young at Heart -- Slightly Older in Other Places"
"The Boat Sank. Get Over It" (Over a sketch of the Titanic)
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"
I used to think that the whole world was against me. But Ive found that a few smaller countries are neutral.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
My sister (mother, exwife, whomever) is a great housekeeper. Shes been married and divorced four times and each time shes kept the house.
I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, If you get (this guy) to work for you, youll be lucky!
I applied to work with a local political campaign committee yesterday. They asked me if I lie, cheat, or steal. I told them, No, but Im willing to learn.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Some people seem to read the Bible a lot as they get older. Maybe they think they're cramming for their finals.
Mothers here feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks. Do mothers in China use toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailcarriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did some shopping.
If it's true that we're here to help others, what are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Forty Nine Thoughts, Observations, Rules and Axioms to work into your liners:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
8. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
9. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
10. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
11. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
14. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
16. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
17. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
18. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
19. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
20. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
22. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
26. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
27. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
28. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
29. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
30. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
31. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
32. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
33. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
35. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
36. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
37. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
38. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
39. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
40. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
41. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
42. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
43. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
44. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
45. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
46. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
47. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
48. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
49. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Artery........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll
Enema........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................I knew it
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by
And now some oneliners from stand-up comics. Thanks to Patty (megamom) for the contribution.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
* Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
* Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
* George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
* Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Dave Edison
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
* Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
* Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
* John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
* Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
* Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
* Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
* Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery
Heard some good oneliners? E-Mail them to: email@example.com - Thanks!
One-Liners sent to us by Matthew Thenell - Thanks Matt!
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you ain't makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everythings coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Here are some oneliners for jocks who are self-proclaimed "Round Mounds of Sound":
Im so fat...
When I haul ass I have to make two trips.
When I dance, I make the band skip.
I was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave me 13 years to live.
My cereal bowl has a lifeguard.
My high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
I ran away as a child and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When I get in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
Ive got smaller fat disc jockeys orbiting around me.
I could sell shade.
When I go to a restaurant, they don't give me a menu, they give me an estimate.
I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.
When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.
Thanks to: Dan Nyberg, Electric Picture Company, St. Paul, MN
"And now, the person who puts the "FUN" in "Dysfunctional"...
"And now, a legend in his own mind..."