Got some humorous one-liners, observations, deep thoughts, self-defacing intros, Henny Youngmanesque stuff... that you'd like to share? E-mail your submissions to the Bit-O-Humor staff. This is stuff that can work good for liners and closing remarks.
Newer contributions are at placed at the top:

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm actually quite busy.
If you go to a bookstore and ask them where the 'Self-Help' section is, would that defeat the purpose?

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
You bought your wife a new CD-ROM for her birthday
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
You have even saved the power cord from a broken appliance
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
You know what http:// actually stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
You see a good design and still have to change it
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
You window shop at Radio Shack
You're in the back seat of your convertible, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
You know what the geosynchronous satellite’s function is
Your checkbook always balances
Your laptop computer costs more than your car
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
You've already calculated how much you make per second
You've even tried to repair a $5 radio
Money Matters:

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

My parents were soooooo poor, they got married for the rice.

"Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors." - J. Bothne

The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

Give 'til it hurts... then have your accountant calculate the write- off.

We were soooooo poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick the other kid's fingers.

"People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes." - George Burns

I'm as broke as the ten commandments.

Money can't buy everything... but then again neither can no money.

Money takes the sting out of being poor.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money.

We were sooooooo poor... we would eat beans for breakfast, water for lunch, then we'd swell up for dinner.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.
31 More Thoughts to Keep You Laughing Through Another Month
(Provided you read one each day.)

1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. He who has, so shall he who. - Old Norwegian Proverb
7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Ponder this:

Are snakes afraid of other snakes?

If you overdosed on decongestant tablets, would you turn into a pile of dust?

Why don't ceramic cats come complete with synthetic hairballs?

At an 'all-you-can-eat' restaurant, is there a penalty for eating less than you can?

Why is it that most irons have a setting for 'permanent press' garments?

Do hermits ever suffer from peer pressure?

Why is it a 'garage door opener', since it opens and closes the door?

If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

Could you be arrested for selling 'illegal-sized' paper?

If you wear your heart on your sleeve, where do you display other bodily parts?

And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?

How would you ever know if a word was mis-spelled in the dictionary?

If we know the speed of light, why hasn't anyone calculated the speed of dark?

What's another word for 'thesaurus'?

How come birds aren't tickled by feathers?

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

From the Strange, but Fertile Mind of Steven Wright:

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, 'Yes, but not right now.'

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice)

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright on The Big picture:

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Great Graffit:

From a book called, 'Wisdom From The Walls,' by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder. They compiled some really great graffiti, and here it is:

'If you can piss this high, join the fire department.'
- On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If Clinton were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
- Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job.
- Women's Restroom. City View Tavern. Cincinnati, Ohio.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
- The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Sinatra
- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. -Heck, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
- The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C. write:

More Steven Wright Gems:

Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the Deli. Sold 'em a 3 for 28 bucks.

Once I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I like to bring a flash light to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents in? Somebody's makin' a penny.

I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them with ice cubes.

I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a megaphone.

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window and smile for a satellite picture.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues in all the other museums.

Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

Years ago, I used to work in an organic health food store in Seattle, Washington and a man walked in and asked 'If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?'

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Sometimes you can't hear me, because sometimes I am in parenthesis.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language. You put the album on, you put the headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day, now I can only stutter in Spanish.

I lost a button hole.

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

I have a map of the U.S. that's actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile.

I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked 'Do you live around here often?'

You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

I broke a mirror in my house and I am supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

I finally went to the eye doctor and got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I got flipups.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.

I was walking my dog around the building...on the ledge.

I had a 3-year old puppy and I named him 'Stay'. He was really confused, I used to say, 'Come here, Stay', 'Come here, Stay'.

One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

When I was little, in my backyard we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

One time the police stopped me for speeding and said 'Don't you know the speed limit is only 55 miles an hour?' I said, 'I know, but I wasn't going to be be out that long.'

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to fill my tub up with water, turn the shower on and pretend like I am in a submarine that has been hit.

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it will be up all night.

When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

Last time I went skiing I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that so I slept with my skis on. When my ride came for me at 5:30 he couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house and strapped my skis to the roof of the car and drove right to the mountain. Seventeen (17) miles later I woke up and had a bizarre dream I was ski diving horizontally.

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

This morning I couldn't find my socks, so I called information.

I'm tired of calling up the movies and getting the message on what's playing so I bought the album.

I went to a place to eat that said 'Breakfast Anytime'. So I ordered french toast during the Rennaisance.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark.

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings. No paint, no canvas. I just think about it.

I went to a museum where all the paintings were done by children. All the paintings were up on refrigerators.

The ice-cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'

If you were in your vehicle traveling the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what would they do?

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

I wrote a song, but I don't know how to read music, so I don't know what it is.

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

A while ago I had no electricity in my house. I had no lights, I couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won't accidently walk through another dimension.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and I almost went back in time.

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out. Now I can go 500 mph.

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in. Now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

I like my dental hygnetist. I think she is very pretty. So when I go to have my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world.

I have 2 rare photographs. One is Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I was in a book store and saw a french looking girl. She was bi-illterate. She couldn't read in 2 languages.

I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.

I like the Stones. I can't beleive they're still doing it afer all the years...Fred & Barney.

I drove cross-country with a friend and we split the driving. We switched every half mile.

I just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology, the study of milkmen.

Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

Last time I went camping I accidently borrowed a circus tent.

My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

MURPHY'S Laws on Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'

- The longer the title, the less important the job.

- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

- An 'acceptable' level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
One-Liners about Lawyers:

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?... He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator -- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Fun Facts to Amaze Your Friends:
(or to indicate that you have far too much free time on your hands)

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

More Trivial Facts of Life:
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

Thanks to:Jana N. Shoreview, MN

Camper’s Complaints

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."

Baby Boomers Then and Now

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: A KEG
Now: An EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now: The President's struggle with fidelity

Then: Paar

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

New State Mottos:

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
"Filthy Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"I Used Up All My Sick Days So I Called In Dead"
"Be Nice to Your Children -- They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Life Is Hard; Then You Nap"
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"
"Just Hand Over the Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
"60-Year-Old One Owner Needs Parts Make Offer"
"I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Re-Elect Nobody"
"Waiting for the Perfect Man" (Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Use Duct Tape"
"Young at Heart -- Slightly Older in Other Places"
"The Boat Sank. Get Over It" (Over a sketch of the Titanic)
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"
She’s so blonde/he’s so dumb that...

1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.
2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you would get change back.
7. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. At the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. She studied for a blood test and failed.
14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. She sold the car for gas money.
16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.
More Bumper Stickers:
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a jerk
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . .He Shoots.. He..Scores!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

If you’re like me, and I know I am...

I used to think that the whole world was against me. But I’ve found that a few smaller countries are neutral.

I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.

My sister (mother, exwife, whomever) is a great housekeeper. She’s been married and divorced four times and each time she’s kept the house.

I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, “If you get (this guy) to work for you, you’ll be lucky!”

I applied to work with a local political campaign committee yesterday. They asked me if I lie, cheat, or steal. I told them, “No, but I’m willing to learn.”

Would You Like to Join....

The Yoko Club?
Oh no.
The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?
The Arafat club?
The Alzheimer's club?
Forget it.
The Ebert club?
The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club?
The quarterback club?
I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club?
I don't give a damn.
The compulsive rhymners' club?
The Spanish opometrists club?
The anti-perspirant club?
The pregancy club?

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Light is on, but nobody's home.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Good Question!

* Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* You know how most packages say 'Open here' ... What is the protocol if the package says, 'Open somewhere else'?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up atm.?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Seen on Bumper Stickers

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats... They taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt -- in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
More thoughts, axioms, questions and ponderables...

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Some people seem to read the Bible a lot as they get older. Maybe they think they're cramming for their finals.

Mothers here feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks. Do mothers in China use toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailcarriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did some shopping.

If it's true that we're here to help others, what are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Forty Nine Thoughts, Observations, Rules and Axioms to work into your liners:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
8. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
9. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
10. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
11. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
14. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
16. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
17. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
18. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
19. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
20. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
22. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
26. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
27. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
28. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
29. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
30. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
31. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
32. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
33. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
35. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
36. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
37. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
38. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
39. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
40. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
41. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
42. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
43. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
44. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
45. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
46. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
47. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
48. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
49. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Button-Worthy Sayings:
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be...?
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Merger Mania
Here are the new product and company names resulting from mergers of some well known companies:

Xerox and Wurlitzer:
They're going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale
Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & Goodyear:

John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da

Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Artery........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll
Enema........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
Genital........................Non-Jewish person
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................I knew it
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by

And now some oneliners from stand-up comics. Thanks to Patty (megamom) for the contribution.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
* Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
* Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
* George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
* Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Dave Edison

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
* Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
* Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
* John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
* Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
* Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
* Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
* Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery

Heard some good oneliners? E-Mail them to: - Thanks!

One-Liners sent to us by Matthew Thenell - Thanks Matt!

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you ain't makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything’s coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Here are some oneliners for jocks who are self-proclaimed "Round Mounds of Sound":

I’m so fat...

When I haul ass I have to make two trips.
When I dance, I make the band skip.
I was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave me 13 years to live.
My cereal bowl has a lifeguard.
My high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
I ran away as a child and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When I get in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
I’ve got smaller fat disc jockeys orbiting around me.
I could sell shade.
When I go to a restaurant, they don't give me a menu, they give me an estimate.
I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.
When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.

Thanks to: Dan Nyberg, Electric Picture Company, St. Paul, MN

"With an intellect rivaled only by garden tools...."
"Body by Fischer....brains by Mattel...."
"Speading joy and goodwill while annoying the masses..."
"Living proof there's too much chlorine in the gene pool...."
"The guy who knows the Twins (or the team of your choice) are like a fine wine...and will be in the cellar for a few more years..."
"Giving you at least 60 minutes every hour..."

Thanks to: Ron Dewey, WPHM/Port Huron, MI

"And now, the person who puts the "FUN" in "Dysfunctional"...
"And now, a legend in his own mind..."