Archive Page Two

The Omnipresent Clergy
Secretly turn on your preacher's cordless mic while he's greeting people, going to the bathroom, etc. --- Thanks to Bob Olsen (who is currently in deep doodoo with his own pastor)

Dialing for XXX
I like to change my boss's speed dial numbers to massage parlor numbers.....especially funny when they're not very quick. --- Thanks to Kimball@...

Frame A Friend
Sometimes when you buy used videos from Blockbuster, they still have the little theft strip on them. So if you ever want to get someone good, just remove theft strip and put it in his pocket, then send him on a run to the video store.Works great! --- Thanks to Randy M.

Dribble Can
While someone is not looking, place a small pin hole in the side of their coke can (or any soda can) just below where they drink. When they take a drink they will think they have "Spilled" some on them, this could go on for 10 minutes without them finding out. It’s hilarious to watch them as they wipe their chin after each drink. --- Thanks to Wade Neonman3@...

Workplace Wackiness
From: "How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace" author unknown
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask them to settle the disagreement.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
Come to work in your pajamas.
Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. When everyone gets to the meeting, tell them to go home.
Volunteer to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
No matter what anyone asks you, reply "OK" while nodding.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Grow mold in your coffee cup.
Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many" and send a memo about it to your coworkers.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
Talk into your daytimer.
Duct Tape Christmas lights around the top of your cubicle.
Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." Or, "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the company fish tank.
Send blind e-mail messages announcing "Free pizza and doughnuts in the lunchroom!" When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." Do this continually nobody believes you anymore. Then order in pizzas and doughnuts in the lunchroom.
Secretly put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Watch the fireworks that will follow.
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

Staple Diet
Here’s a good office joke: Secretly empty the staples from a stapler on someone’s desk. Then (before they’ve had time to refill the stapler) visit their desk with a Post-it® Note in your hand which you proceed to “staple” to your forehead. This is believable because you have the element of surprise going for you, and because prior to your visit, you have prepared the Post-it by drawing a small black line opposite the sticky stripe which, at first glance, appears to be a staple. This works great when someone has just laid into you for forgetting something important. Announce that you will write it on a piece of paper and staple it to your forehead next time.

Krunching Kitty
My son used to put a piece of uncooked elbow macaroni in his mouth, then holding a cat or kitten....GENTLY turn it's head left & right, while biting down on the macaroni. Makes a VERY REALISTIC ! ! cracking neck sound. He loves cats dearly, but this was very funny ! ! ! --- SAETABO@...

Abdominal Alien Birth
This looks really weird! When you are wearing a loose, oversized sweatshirt or sweater, pull one of your arms out of the sleeve and tuck it next to your stomach.
With your exposed hand grab the cuff of the empty sweater arm. Extend both sleeves straight down towards your crotch. Now is when the fun begins. Walk into a crowd and start alternately raising and lowering your "arms" and your hidden arm (from the middle of your stomach). It appears as if you are holding your hands, swinging your arms up to chest level, and back down while an alien is popping in and out of your stomach.

Third Arm
Here’s another one you can do while wearing a large sweatshirt or sweater: Prepare by tucking your empty sleeve into your front pant pocket. Get into a conversation in which you are gesturing with your exposed arm while talking. Without warning or recognition on your part, a third hand comes out of your neckline and scratches your chin.

Cheeky Humor
When in a conversation with someone keep glancing off to a certain spot on their cheek. Regain eye contact only long enough to make it obvious that your eyes once again move to the same spot on their cheek. Eventually they will give their cheek a little flick of the hand. If they need a little encouragement, brush your own cheek while staring at theirs.

Doggy Chowin’
Get a little sample-sized box of dry dog food from your local pet shop. Replace the contents with Cracklin’ Oat Bran (or some other cereal that resembles dog food). Snack away! It’s more effective if you call no attention to what you are doing. Your friends will gain the element of surprize when they discover it for themselves.

Official Notice
Mail sitting for a vacationing neighbor? If you get a general notice in the mail from the town or village of your residence, chances are your neighbor will be getting one too. Open yours, see what it is. If not important, make a photocopy of the letterhead with the body of the letter whited out. On this new "official letterhead" you can compose any notice that you want. Replace their notice with the fake, and sit back and wait for them to read their mail. I used this prank to introduce a Bowling Alley/Night Club which was attempting to build in our residential neighborhood and to invite neighbors to a council meeting if they wanted to voice objection. The recipient of the letter showed up at the meeting as mad as a hornet!

Phoney Estate Sale
Make Estate sale signs for a friends house and put them up in the neighborhood with arrows pointing the way. Say it starts at like say 6:00 am Saturday Morning with quotes "everything must go". We did this to a friend of ours. He ended up selling all his furniture and redecorating his house. --- xmasmommy1@...

Open House
"Borrow" some real estate open house signs (return them when you are done), and place them in front of your friend’s house about 9:00 on a Sunday morning. If they are likely to be sleeping in on Sundays, they should be awakened by someone wanting to look at their house.

Tire Sniper
Get some Bubble Wrap® with one inch bubbles (at most office supply stores or in dumpsters behind gift shops). cut a strip about a eighteen inches long and the width of a tire. Tape this to the tread of the front wheel of a parked car. When the car starts moving, the resultant popping sounds like a machine gun.

Whoopy Exhaust
Get a whoopy cushion, cut off the flapping noise-making part and enough of the bladder to fit over a car exhaust pipe. duct tape it onto the exhaust pipe of a car. When the car is running it will sound like cowboys relaxing around a campfire after a meal of Cookie’s beans.

This is a Test
If you are a teacher, this is one prank that got me and taught me a valuable lesson at the same time. When passing out a test the instructor gave following directions: “Read through all of the questions first. You will have fifty five minutes to complete the test.” Of course, we didn't listen, and none of us read through all of the questions first. When we got to the last question it read: “Do not complete any of the questions on this test. Turn in a blank test paper with your name on it and you will get an 'A'."

Public Sneezer #1
Walk down the street and fake sneeze on people you pass. A friend following close behind you provides the spray with a bottle of water.

Public Sneezer #2
After getting a drink at a public fountain, get your hand wet. Fake sneeze on a friend, the spray is provided by a flick of your hand while going up to “cover your sneeze.”

Bag Lunch
If you pack a bag lunch for someone, throw them a curve someday. Fill the brown bag with junk, and a sandwich that consists of a crust of bread folded over a ten dollar bill and a note that reads, go out and have a nice lunch on me. (Make sure the sandwich is near the top and the bill is obvious or they might throw away their lunch money.)

Eat Dirt!
This one came to us from a mischievous pastor in Minneapolis, MN. He hates boring board meetings (can you blame him?). So, to liven things up, before a weekly meeting he placed a flower pot in the middle of the conference room table. The pot was rigged with the top half of the potting soil made of crushed up Oreo cookies. During the meeting, he reached nonchalantly into the pot and started grabbing small portions of “dirt” which he proceeded to eat. He eventually removed his focus from the meeting and became obsessed with eating the “dirt.” It was stuck to his teeth and smeared on his lips and cheeks. One by one the board members became aware of the situation and their initial shock changed to unified uproarious laughter. The meeting was anything but boring.

Sink Sprayer Shower
This idea was sent anonymously (the boss still doesn’t know who did it). Every morning the boss gets to work about a twenty minutes before the other employees and puts on the coffee. Before leaving the office the previous night, the prankster took a small strip of tape and taped the sink sprayer handle in the on position and aimed the sprayer so it would hit the boss square in the chest. The next morning, the employees were welcomed by their boss sporting a huge water mark on his suit and a big “you got me” grin on his face.

Redecorating on a Budget
When told to house-sit (water plants and bring in the mail) for some friends, I was given a key and, with it, a license to cause all sorts of mischief. When the couple came home from vacation to their two level townhouse, they found all of the furnishings from one floor moved to the other and visa versa. After their initial confusion, they broke into laughter, then called me on the phone and read me the “riot act” (tongue in cheek). I helped them rearrange their furniture the next day.

Grocery Stocking
Depending on your disposition, you can do this one on friends, or total strangers. While grocery shopping people often leave their cart unattended while grabbing an item off of the shelf. Take this opportunity to slip unwanted items into their cart. They generally won’t discover the mystery items until they reach the checkout, sometimes not until they reach home. The more bizarre the items that you introduce into their cart, the funnier the outcome. Consider canned fish balls (they do exist), cans of Spam, bizarre fruits, head cheese, pickled pigs feet, etc..

Grocery Stalking
If you ever catch a friend, relative, or neighbor arriving home from the grocery store with a trunkload of groceries, wait until they go into the house with their first bags of groceries. Then, quickly remove two more bags of groceries from their car and duck out of sight. Keep removing and replacing groceries (with and without the bags) until you get caught. They will generally become so bewildered that they will be relieved to find out that it was only you "assisting" them.

New Car Capers
Don't you just hate it when someone gets a new car and that's all they talk about! Well a buddy of mine got a new car and all he could talk about was how great the gas mileage was he was getting, so finally enough became enough and I began going to his house late at night and taking gas out of his car ( GRIN ) it wasn't long before he was SCREAMING. He took the car back to the dealership demanding that they fix it!!!! When he got his car back I than began going to his house again and put the gas back into his tank, oh you should have heard him then!!!!! Of course, after a couple of weeks of bragging, I started taking gas again !!!!! Well you get the picture I did this for about 2 months and figured it was enough because the dealership was really starting to HATE him, boy was he upset when he found out what was really going on !!!!!! --- David Poovich pop@...

Heartthrob Beef
This one is hilarious and has even gotten me a few free meals. Go to the joke/novelty shop and ask for a “plate lifter.” This is a long tube with a little bladder on one end and a bulb on the other. The original joke was to hide the bladder under the table cloth under plates to make them jump up and down when the bulb was squeezed. I found a better use. Order a burger or steak to your liking. When the plate is delivered and the server has left, rig the steak or burger with the bladder under the meat and run the tube off the side of the plate (hidden by garnish) to the bulb which you operate with your hand under the table. When the server walks by, call their attention to the meat which must be undercooked, as it still has a heartbeat (The plate lifter is causing the meat to throb in a heartbeat-like rhythm.)! The server usually gets bug-eyed and says, I’m sorry, I’ll have them cook it longer. Before they take the plate, tell them to, “Leave the plate here and have the manager come over!” Once a crowd is drawn and all are sufficiently horrified, reveal the secret. I’ve had brighter managers catch on right away, but tell me that they “want to bring the chef out to see that!”

Untidy Bowl
This an oldy but a goodie. Place cling-film over the toilet bowl before a "mate" needs to wee. Be very careful there are no creases. Stalk them all night and then when they wee... well, victory is yours. (This is especially good for ex-boyfriends.) --- Poptart (Nicola McGrath)

Can-Did Camera
Before a party, set up a video camera in the bathroom and take about fifteen minutes of just the empty bathroom (toilet in plain view). When the appropriate guest needs to relieve themselves, gather the rest of the guests and sit them down in front of the television with the video tape playing. When the guest leaves the bathroom and finds everyone sitting around laughing at the television showing the room that the guest was just occupying, horror and hilarity will ensue.

Best Out-of-Office Email auto replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Your email has been intercepted and is being processed by the Department of Homeland Security. Until we notify you otherwise, please do not make any travel plans without first notifying the DHS office. Any attempt to book airline reservations will result in your being placed on the DHS Do Not Fly list.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

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