Fruitcake: what to do with the hideous loaf

I know of three (possibly four) people that like fruitcake and actually eat the sweet congelled brick of fruit and nuts. But if you're like me, and I know I am, you wonder what the heck to do with it when someone gives you a loaf. I mean, you don't want to just throw it away, that would be so wasteful, and they might find out... So, to help you out of your dilemma, I've created the following list of 101 things you can do with fruitcake. - Tim Nyberg

1. Eat It
Okay, I realize that this one is pretty far-fetched, but, since it was the original use...

2. Paperweight
Make sure the loaf is well sealed in a plastic bag that has been wrapped with at least four layers of duct tape prior to placing on paper to avoid staining.

3. Door Stop
A variation of the paperweight idea. You may wish to make the final wrap of duct tape sticky-side out to make sure the door stop doesn't slide across slippery floors.

4. Body Building
Use the loaf instead of a dumbbell.

5. Boat Anchor
Make sure your rope is long enough or it may sink your boat.

6. Building Blocks
Square off the sides and let the kids use them as building blocks.

7. Self Defense
Keep a loaf under your pillow to fend off night-time intruders.

8. Shingle a House
Slice into thin slices, air dry and fasten onto your roof.

9. Fruitcake Olympics: Shot Put
Hold by jaw, three hops back, and fling!

10. Fruitcake Olympics: Biathlon
Set loafs upright in the woods, don your cross-country skis, grab your shotgun and practice up for the Olympics' Biathlon event.

11. Fruitcake Olympics: Luge
No, I'm not suggesting that you ride them, but you can race loaves down an iced track.

12. Fruitcake Olympics: Ice Hockey
Substitute the fruitcake for the puck. (Warning: Stick breakage will increase dramatically. And, if you happen to get one the mouth, you can kiss your teeth goodbye - mouthguard or not).

13. Fruitcake Olympics: Ski Slalom
Lay loaves on the hill and ski around them instead of those flags that everyone keeps hitting their shoulders on.

14. Fruitcake Olympics: Etc.
You get the idea, substitute the loaf whenever possible - then leave it for someone else to dispose of it.

15. Brake Replacement
When parking on a hill, wedge the fruitcake by a wheel to prevent the car from rolling.

16. Slow Down Traffic
Cars going to fast down your street? Line up fruitcakes on the pavement for a biodegradable (we think) speed bump.

17. Fancy Light
Carve out the middle of the loaf, punch a hole in one end and wire in a light. The light will shine through the fruit making for a colorful glow reminiscent of a 1960's pennant light.

18. A Solid Foundation
Stack up the loaves to create an earthquake-proof foundation for your house.

19. Chew Toy for Fido
Tougher than a rawhide chew toy, a loaf of fruitcake will keep your dog busy for hours.

20. Pregnancy Simulator
Strap a few loaves on your husband's belly so he can empathize with you during your pregnancy.

21. Tarp Control
Placing a few loaves on top of your fall leaf tarp to keep it in place while en route to the landfill.

22. Hide Your Jewelry
Carve out the center of the loaf and hide your jewelry in the fruitcake while on vacation. No burglar is going be interested in a loaf of fruitcake!

23. White Elephant Gift
Heading out to a party and need a quick white elephant gift? Fruitcake is something that you can regift and never give it a second thought.

24. Flood Control
Ship off your loaves to New Orleans and other flood-prone communities for levee rebuilding.

25. Pencil Holder
Punch holes in the top of the loaf and use it to hold your pens and pencils.

26. Traction
Place a few loaves in the trunk of your car to provide more weight over your drive wheels. If you do get stuck, unwrap the fruitcake and place it under the spinning tire for extra traction.

27. Hide and Seek
Hide the loaf and see how long it takes your family to find it. With any luck, they won't.

28. Piñata
Carve out the inside of your fruitcake loaf. Fill it with candy. Hang it from the ceiling. Now, take turns throwing fruitcake loaves at the fruitcake piñata until someone makes the perfect hit.

29. Build a House
Hey, it works with gingerbread, why not fruitcake?

30. Hammerschlagen
Hammer nails into the dreaded loaf instead of a stump during that German nail-driving contests.

31. Doll Bed
Cut the loaf in half and make twin beds for your Rob and Laura Petrie-era Barbie and Ken dolls.

32. Insoles
Add inches to your height by cutting the loaf in half, trimming the loaf to the contour of each foot, and inserting into your shoes. It will eventually mold into a form-fitting insole.

33. Juggling Prop
Three fruitcake loaves make for a thrilling, suspense-filled juggling act way better than do running chain saws.

34. Hold it!
Cut slits in the top of the loaf with a skill saw and use it to file mail or hold CDs and DVDs.

35. Fruitcake Stops Junk Mail
Tired of junk mail? Pack the heaviest fruitcake you can find in a box and tape the reply card to the box. The company who sent you the junk mail will have to pay the return postage. That'll teach 'em!

36. Table Prop
Steady a wobbly table by wedging the appropriately sized fruitcake slice under the short leg.

37. Checkers, Coasters and the Like
Slice the fruitcake and, using a cookie cutter, punch out little circles for use as coasters, checkers, mini-Frisbees, etc..

38. Christmas Decorations
Cut the fruitcake into cubes and add a thread loop for a colorful Christmas tree decoration.

39. Candle Holder
Drill holes in the loaf to hold a few candles, trim with sprigs of holly for a lovely holiday centerpiece.

40. Pothole Repair
Toss into those dangerous, alignment-ruining holes. Who knows, you might get a tax-deduction for your donation.

41. Bookcase
Storage and display is as easy as several loaves of fruitcake and a few planks of lumber. Ikea, eat your heart out!

42. Fruitcake Derby
Grab four little wheels, two axels and your whittling knife and enter your fruitcake in the next pinewood derby.

43. Conserve Water
Put a loaf or two in your toilet tank to use less water with every flush.

44. Sculpt It!
Use instead of clay as a sculpting material. This works great for busts of guys... they'll actually grow hair (eventually).

45. Hamster Trail
Drill a three-inch diameter hole through many loaves and place loaves end to end for a tasty habitrail® for your furry friends.

46. Pick out the Nuts
Pick out the nuts and back them into something more desirable.

47. Alien Repellent
Wrap the loaf of fruitcake in aluminum foil and place it on top of your house to repel aliens. (This actually works, I've used this hint since 1971 and have never been bothered by aliens.)

48. Yule Log
Soak it in alcohol or kerosine, put in in your fireplace, toss in a match and stand back. (Make sure your insurance is paid up first.)

49. Go Away
Want to really scare off door-to-door salesmen and religion peddlers? Place a loaf of unwrapped fruitcake on your front steps.

50. Meatloaf Substitute
As far as I can tell, vegetarians will eat anything as long as it doesn't have meat in it. So, next time you're serving meatloaf to the rest of your guests, serve that lone vegetarian a slice of fruitcake smothered in ketchup.

51. Paper, Scissors, Fruitcake
Put a new twist on that old game substituting fruitcake for rock (since it is a close cousin thereto).

52. Tourist Attraction
Build a mini StoneHenge using fruitcake loaves standing on end. Charge admission - this will help cover the toxic waste disposal fee when you decide to dismantle the attraction.

53. Dominoes
Cut half-inch slices of fruitcake and line them up like dominoes. A flick of the finger sends the entire row tumbling.

54. Disguise a Gift
Hide an engagement ring (or other valuable gift) inside a loaf of fruitcake. Present the loaf with sheepish pride, "I hope you'll accept this little token of my affection." (Warning: Don't wait for the recipient to eat the fruitcake... you'll want to help them find the hidden treasure.)

55. Pancake Helper
Since fruitcake is loaded with fruit and nuts, chop up little cubes and blend into your pancake batter to make fancy, "gourmet" pancakes.

56. Hang Your Posters
Cut off little chunks and press them onto your wall for use as makeshift poster adhesive.

57. Prank Lunch
When packing your kids' or spouse's lunch, substitute the loaf of fruitcake for their real lunch. Make sure you include this little note: "I love you, but I hate fruitcake. Please dispose of this item for me... and then use the enclosed money to buy yourself a nice lunch."

58. Win an Award
Use slices of fruitcake instead of bread for your bologna, pickle and mustard sandwich and you're a shoe-in to win the "Worst Sandwich in the World" contest.

59. Mark Your Trail
When venturing into the dense woods, leave a trail of fruitcake slices so you can easily find your way out. (Don't worry, animals and birds probably don't eat the stuff either.)

60. Fertilizer
Chop up your fruitcake into little pieces and till it into your garden for a nice mulch.

61. Modern Art
Since many modern art pieces defy explanation, hang the fruitcake loaf on your wall and pass it off as "art."

62. A Fabulous Prize Package...
Add a fruitcake loaf to any collection of prizes that you assemble - every prize assortment should have a booby prize.

63. Edible Birdhouse
Cut it up and build a birdhouse with the slices. It's a craft project, and food for critters at the same time.

64. Cat Scratch Post
Wrap your cat's favorite furniture scratching point with a layer of fruitcake. Once your cat digs its claws into the sticky mess, it should cure the feline's desire to destroy your furniture once and for all.

65. Ear Plugs
Wad up little bits of fruitcake and jam it into your ears for some well-deserved peace and quiet.

66. Bowling Pins
Set ten loaves on end on your driveway and practice your bowling game.

67. Book Ends
Simply cut your loaf in half and rewrap each fruity chunk in plastic film.

68. Draft Preventer
Line up several loaves in front of your outside door to keep the wintery winds out.

69. Crash Test Dummy Head
Mold a few loaves into appropriately weighted "heads" for crash test dummies. The sticky loaf will show exactly where the impact inflicted the most damage.

70. Bike Seat Padding
Flatten out the unwrapped fruitcake on your bike seat (it's self-adhering). Cover the fruit-padded seat with a few layers of plastic wrap or duct tape prior to using.

71. Keep Baby in Place
A slice of fruitcake under baby's bottom keeps the child securely in place during mealtime.

72. V-Chip in a Loaf
Slices of fruitcake adhered to your television screen makes sure your kids aren't watching the wrong stuff.

73. Autobody Repair
Large dents can be filled with self-adhering fruitcake prior to putting on a final coat of fiberglas.

74. Mini Landscaping
Use unwrapped loaves as hills for your model railroading set-up. They'll eventually mold and grow realistic vegetation.

75. Trick or Treat!
Trick, actually. Little cubes fruitcake dropped into Trick-or-Treaters' bags will assure that they won't be bothering you next year.

76. Drummer's Helper
A little slab of fruitcake on the head of your snare will deaden the sound nicely.

77. Sidewalk Smoother
Fruitcake can be used to make little ramps leveling out dangerously heaving sections of city sidewalks.

78. More Elbow Room
Place a loaf of fruitcake on your head and assure that nobody will sit next to you. This works on airplanes, in theaters, at church...

79. Get Out of Jury Duty
When you are called for jury duty, come wearing nothing but a g-string and a few appropriately-placed slices of fruitcake. Your sanity will instantly come into question and you'll be excused.

80. Pot Luck
You can always pass off your fruitcake at the next pot luck. Just make sure that nobody sees who brought it and you'll be rid of the thing.

81. Ice Cream Topper
Fruitcake actually has some good ingredients in it. Chop it up and heat the pieces up with hot fudge for a deluxe ice cream topping.

82. Parking Helper
Put a loaf or two on your garage floor where your front wheels should stop to help you park perfectly every time.

83. Picnic Cooler Cooler-Downer
Instead of using that expensive blue ice to keep your cooler cold, throw in a frozen loaf of fruitcake. After the picnic just leave the unwrapped loaf laying out for the squirrels to wonder about.

84. Hors d'oeuvre Tray
Carve out the loaf creating a rectangular box shape, allow to air dry for a few days, then load it up with nuts, crackers, olives and other snacking tidbits.

85. Will It Float?
Letterman made the game popular on his show, now you give it a try with a loaf of fruitcake at your nearest, deepest lake.

86. Workbench Organizer
A loaf on your workbench makes a nice holder for your screwdrivers, drill bits, and other tools. You can also "bury your hatchet" blade in the loaf to protect the blade.

87. Point of Purchase Display
Cut an angled slots into your loaf to hold business cards and promotional rack cards, brochures, etc..

88. Scrapbook Helper
Use the loaf to weight down scrapbook pages while the glue is drying. Run out of glue? Fruitcake is glue in a loaf.

89. Sound Proofing
Instead of sing expensive sound-proofing foam, recording studios can line their wall with unwrapped loaves of fruitcake for he ultimate in sound-deadening technology. (Also gives the recording studio a nice fruity smell as opposed to that funky musician smell.)

90. Fools Gold
Wrap loaves in gold-colored foil and use them for bars of gold in your theatrical production requiring gold bouillon.

91. Floral Display
Instead of using florist's foam to make your floral arrangements, poke your flower stems in a loaf of fruitcake. Now, gift the arrangement to your local charity for their silent auction and you're rid of the thing.

92. Stadium Seat
During cold weather football games, nothing gets you colder than sitting on cold metal bleachers. Bring two loaves of micro-wave-warmed fruitcake (one for each butt cheek) and you'll be warmed for the entire game.

93. Tooth Guard
Mold slabs of fruitcake around your teeth for a flavorful sports mouth guard. (Warning: Tooth decay may be occur with repeated use.)

94. Pet Hair Remover
Use an unwrapped loaf of fruitcake to dab up unwanted pet hair from furniture and clothing.

95. Hot Air Balloon Ballast
Bring a few loaves up in your hot air balloon for ballast - it won't really matter if you throw it overboard.

96. Hide-A-Key
Slap a slice of fruitcake in a hidden location near your door and press an extra key into it - you'll never be locked out again.

97. Dusting Tool
Since dust will stick to fruitcake like crazy, lay a few of slices of fruitcake on your furnace filter to act as a powerful air cleaner. It will also add a nice fruity smell to your house.

98. Mouse Trap
You can get rid of them once and for all by leaving unwrapped fruitcake on the floor near the baseboard. Mice, once they've sampled it, will move out of your house in a jiffy!

99. Corn Pad
If your shoes are causing corns and "hot spots," just lay thin slices of fruitcake over the problem areas and slip your shoes back on.

100. Disguise/Costume
Adhere thin slices of fruitcake to your face leaving holes for your eyes and mouth. You may now rob banks or attend costume parties with the assurance that your identity will not be revealed.

101. Write a Book
Write a book about fruitcake's many alternative uses. Oh, wait... that's already been done... Okay, just throw it out with the trash.

Did you think of something I missed? Just click to our submit page and send in your creative fruitcake use (or, if you love fruitcake share YOUR favorite fruitcake recipe).

Please note that by emailing your submission you understand that your fruitcake use (and or recipe) may be used in electronic and print media by Octane Creative (Tim Nyberg Creative, Inc.) without any compensation.

All materials on this site are © 2008 by Tim Nyberg Creative, Inc., dba Octane Creative, Sturgeon Bay, WI 54235

Copyright © 2008
by Tim Nyberg Creative, Inc.,
dba Octane Creative,
Sturgeon Bay, WI 54235

No portion off this site may be distributed without prior permission from Octane Creative.