Duct Tape Fixes an Ancient Philosophy (Duct Shui: In stores April 15th, 2002)

Overview: The Duct Guys stumble head-first into the ancient Chinese philosophy of Feng Shui.
Totally bewildered, they explore their own theories on how to achieve harmony and happiness through the use of duct tape, thus creating their own breathtakingly stupid philosophy: "Duct Shui".

Suggested Duct Shui Interview Script/Questions for Duct Shui:

• We are talking with Jim and Tim, the Duct Tape Guys who have just published their fifth book about duct tape. Their new book is called, "Duct Shui" and is based on the popular Feng Shui movement that you may have heard of. Welcome Jim and Tim.
  Me: Hi, today it's just and Tim—Jim is out back turning his '84 Toyota into a camper for our book tour. So, I'm manning the phones this morning.
  
• For our audience that doesn’t know what Feng Shui is, describe it to us briefly.
  Me: Feng Shui (fung shway) is an ancient Chinese art (or philosophy) that brings prosperity, happiness, and abundance. "Chi" is the energy the Chinese say pervades all life. (not to be confused with that milky tea stuff that you pay too much for at Starbucks - that's Chai.) Feng Shui properly positions you and your environment in relation to this "Chi" energy, the result being that you achieve harmony and happiness. Feng means wind and Shui means water.
  
• And what is Duct Shui?
  Me: Well, Duct Shui is our new philosophy that attempts to modernize and fix some of the outdated and blatantly superstitious stuff that we discovered when we studied our friend, Ray Beckstrom’s Feng Shui correspondence course.
  We don’t pretend to know the first thing about Chi. But we do know duct tape. And, we do know that there is POWER in duct tape. You can hear the energy crackling when you rip duct tape off the roll [rip]. And we do know that both of us have achieved massive amounts of happiness because of duct tape.
  Duct means wind tube and Shui means water - what does this mean? I have no idea.
• You: You mentioned blatantly "superstitious stuff" in Feng Shui. Give us some examples.
  Me: Well a lot of Feng Shui deals with the arrangement of items in your house to allow for the positive flow of chi and to avoid negative chi or chi suckers. One of these "Chi suckers" is the toilet (and other drains. For instance Feng Shui says that if you have a toilet back-to-back on a common wall with a bed is bad because the flushing sucks positive energy. To remedy this, they say to put a mirror behind the headboard of the bed with the reflective side facing the wall. And that will "cure" the sucking of the energy.
  
  In Duct Shui, we say if your bed is on a common wall with your toilet, it means that you don't have that far to walk to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. In fact, we suggest that if the common wall doesn't have a door in it, you cut a hole for even easier access. Then frame the hole with duct tape and avoid the need for that costly finishing carpentry.
  And, if you don't want the toilet sucking (which pretty much defeats its purpose), we suggest flushing a huge duct tape ball or two. This will certainly stop the effectiveness of the toilet's drain.
  By the way - we also have interesting facts scattered through the book such as: The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
  
• Your book is organized into areas like home, office, health, wealth... are these parallel to Feng Shui teachings?
  Me: Yup - we realize that everyone (whether they admit it or not) are seeking improvement in the same basic areas of their life, and Duct Shui focuses on all of those areas.
  
  For instance: In Feng Shui, they teach that a fountain near the door of your office space will be a mood lifter and bring more salary your way. It will also diffuse the flow of bad chi (negative energy) into your office space.
  
  Duct Shui says To stop the flow of bad energy into your office (i.e. to keep the boss out of your cubicle), cover the entrance to your cubicle entirely in duct tape. Skip the fountain idea; that trickling sound will just make you have to go to the bathroom more (which may prove problematic with your door taped shut).
  
• Give us some another examples.
  Me: If you live on a dead end street, there is a lack of energy flow. To stimulate the flow of chi, put wind chimes and bird feeders in your yard to create new activity.
  
  Well, excuse me, but isn't the whole point of living on a dead end street to achieve a lack of energy flow? If you want energy flow, live on the side of a freeway. Use duct tape to reinforce your windows so they don't rattle when semi trucks pass your house.
  
• You: Here’s an interesting Feng Shui concept: "Poison Arrows" - what are "poison arrows"?
  Me: Neighboring roof lines facing the front of your house are "poison arrows" that threaten your future. Feng Shui says you can effect these poison arrows by placing wind chimes (hung with red cord in a multiple of nine inches) near your front entrance. Or, you can hang an octagonal "Ba-Gua" mirror above the front door of your home.
  Duct Shui instructs that if you're afflicted by "poison arrows," "bullets," "catapulted stones" and other "implements of harm"... move!
  Duct tape makes an excellent sealing device for moving boxes. It’s strong, you can rip it with your bare hands, and you can label with it, too! And as you leave your house yell, "BAAA! GWAAA!" at the people shooting the stuff at you.
  
• You: Feng Shui has a lot of wind chimes in it doesn't it?
  Me: Oh, yeah, they rely on wind chimes quite a bit. For instance, Feng Shui says that a metal wind chime in the front area of your home (or office) will summon people to help you.
  
  Now, to us, the sound of wind chimes says, "I'm at peace." If you really need to summon help, what you want to do is get some duct tape stuck in your hair, then rip it out. Your screams will most certainly draw attention.
  
  By the way, in Duct Shui - the book - we include instructions on how to build your own wind chimes out of a stick, duct tape and old silverware.
  
• You: Doesn’t Feng Shui instruct you to simplify?
  Me: Yes, and this is one thing that we agree on. They say to determine if chi can flow freely throughout your house (which is essential to good Feng Shui) you should walk through your house.
  If YOU can't flow freely through the house (without tripping on stuff), neither can energy.
  Remove unneeded articles. Simplify.
  
  Good Duct Shui suggests that you limit your toolbox to two items: Duct Tape and WD-40(r). If it's not stuck and it's supposed to be, Duct Tape it. If it's stuck and it's not supposed to be, WD-40 it. Taking that into account, what other tools do you need? Simplify.
  
• It sounds to me like "Duct Shui" gives a lot of usable Feng Shui information also.
  Me: If you're interested in Feng Shui - you could purchase on of the hundreds of books that are available on the subject, or pick up the one and only book on Duct Shui - that gives you a condensed overview of Feng Shui - but then goes the extra step and imparts a new, improved (and what some critics have described as "breathtakingly stupid") philosophy, Duct Shui.
• Where can our listeners pick up your book?
  Me: Your local bookstore should have it right up at the front counter, or visit our web site: www.ducttapeguys.com or www.ductshui.com [spell].
  
• Please mention our webstie: www.ductshui.com or www.ducttapeguys.com - Thanks!

For promotional copies of Duct Shui fax your request for sample books on your station letterhead to Kate Tyler 212-254-8098 or email your request to: kate@workman.com