Duct Shui: The Genesis:
This whole Duct Shui thing started when our friend Ray Beckstrom lost his job as a pin setter at Bob's Beef and Bowl to automation.

I know what you're thinking, there have been automatic pin setters since the 1950s or before. True, but Bob pays more attention to his hot beef sandwiches than he does his four-lane bowling alley. At any rate, after 40 years of pin setting (he started when he was six), Ray didn't know which way to turn. Then one night around three in the morning, Ray saw an infomercial touting Feng Shui Consulting as an up and coming career opportunity.

Before we knew it, Ray had grown a Fu Man Chu moustache, had printed up some business cards, and was hanging around our houses taking notes, rearranging our rooms, digging up our yards, and telling each of us how we needed to "cure" the "bad chi" that we had flowing around us.

We listened for three weeks as Ray ranted on and on about Feng Shui and how it could improve our lives. It was an incredible show. Ray was elaborating about this ancient Chinese philosophy as if he had signed up to sell Amway or something, not just some correspondence course.

Then, about three hours into our fourth week of listening to Ray, Jim lost it.
"This is the most bogus, superstitious bunch of drivel I've every heard!" Jim yelled, throwing his arms up in the air. I was about to agree with him when he continued, "This is brilliant! It's our next book! We can create our own philosophy. We can call it Duct Shui!"

Ray was speechless, but my wheels were turning. Jim was right! If people were paying big bucks for ancient Chinese philosophy consultants, surely they would drop a few bucks on a brand new philosophy that involved duct tape.

I turned to Ray and asked, "Ray, could you give us access to some of your Feng Shui course notes so we can formulate Duct Shui based on these old Feng Shui principles? We would be doing a real service to the western world if we could take the essence of Feng Shui and fortify it with duct tape!"

Ray scratched his head and crinkled up his lip, thus sticking some of his artificially blackened moustache hairs up his nose. "Sure, I guess," Ray said. "Do I get a cut?"

I assured Ray we would compensate him for his efforts. He slowly pushed his three-ring binder full of correspondence material (for which he had paid twenty easy installments of $19.95) across the table toward us.

Jim and I grabbed the Feng Shui binder and retreated to the garage. This book is the result of what we learned there.

Feng Shui (fung shway) is an ancient Chinese art (or philosophy) that brings prosperity, happiness, and abundance. "Chi" is the energy the Chinese say pervades all life. Feng Shui properly positions you and your environment in relation to this "Chi" energy, the result being that you achieve harmony and happiness.

We don't pretend to know the first thing about Chi or Feng Shui. But we do know duct tape. And, we do know that there is POWER in duct tape. You can hear the energy crackling when you rip duct tape off the roll. And we do know that both of us have achieved massive amounts of happiness because of duct tape.

Chinese philosophers believe we are influenced by three realms in the universe: Heaven, Earth, and Human. The practice of Feng Shui attempts to manipulate these influences to make sure you get the most positive life experiences. Heavenly influences include climate, atmosphere and timing/chance. Earthly influences include food, clothing and shelter. Human influences are the people around you.

One Realm of Influence
In Duct Shui, there is basically one realm of influence: The couch. Some might refer to this teaching as laziness. We prefer to call it resourcefulness - utilizing duct tape to maximize our leisure time. Talk about balance and perfect harmony - a man and his couch!
(Note: Some women also find the couch alluring.)

To boost your vitality, place a bright red cloth between the mattress and boxspring of your bed. Attract Positive Energy
Feng Shui deals with attracting positive energy. Duct Shui likes positive energy, too. Attracting positive energy to your brain is easy with a brain magnet - sticky-side-out duct tape around your head. See illustration (A). With this technique, you can suck in knowledge and wisdom from all those around you through a process similar to osmosis*.
WARNING: It is important to note that some negative energy and thoughts might also stick to this brain magnet. To protect yourself, it may work to put a square of duct tape sticky-side-in on your forehead. See illustration (B).
* No relation to Donny and Marie.
Some other Feng Shui Principles:
If you live on a dead end street, there is a lack of energy flow. To stimulate the flow of chi, put wind chimes and bird feeders in your yard to create new activity.

Putting books where you can see them as you enter the front door of your home will stimulate learning in both you and your children.

If your guest bedroom is in the front of the house, your guests won't overstay their welcome. If it is the back of the house, they may be there for a while.

If there is a tree blocking your front door, you don't need to cut it down. Use this cure:
On a circular piece of red writing paper, with a new ink pen, write the words "Raise head, see happiness." Post the paper on the tree at eye level or higher.

Enter Through the Tree
If you have a tree blocking your front door, allow the tree to grow large enough to cut a tunnel through it (like those giant redwoods in California). Then, line the inside of the tree tunnel with duct tape so you don't get full of slivers and tree sap every time you walk through it. OrÉ

DUH! If there is a tree blocking your front door, and you don't want to wait until it grows to tunneling size, there is still no need to cut the tree down. Use this cure: duct tape a sign to the tree that says, "Use back door."

Cul-de-sacs are bad because chi flows in and circulates, sucking the positive chi out of the surrounding homes. To remedy this put a windmill or fountain in the center of the cul-de-sac.

Cul-De-Sac Fountain
Sure, a fountain in the middle of your cul-de-sac is a charming addition to the neighborhood, but can be expensive. Making your own fountain can be a fun Saturday project. Just duct tape together three old tires, a small pump, a tree branch, and a garden hose.

A metal wind chime in the front area of your home (or office) will summon people to help you.

How to Summon Help
To us, the sound of wind chimes says, "I'm at peace." If you really need to summon help, what you want to do is get some duct tape stuck in your hair, then rip it out. Your screams will most certainly draw attention.

The positioning of your toilet back-to-back on a common wall with a bed is bad because the flushing sucks positive energy. To remedy this, put a mirror behind the headboard of the bed with the reflective side facing the wall.

Handy Commode
If your bed is on a common wall with your toilet, it means that you don't have that far to walk to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. In fact, we suggest that if the common wall doesn't have a door in it, you cut a hole for even easier access. Then frame the hole with duct tape and avoid the need for that costly finishing carpentry. And... If you don't want the toilet sucking (which pretty much defeats its purpose), we suggest flushing a huge duct tape ball or two. This will certainly stop the effectiveness of the toilet's drain.

That's just a quick sampling of the educational stuff you'll find in Duct Shui. It's a big 222 pages of insight into the ancient philosophy of Feng Shui coupled with the wit and wisdom* of the Duct Tape Guys. There is something here for everyone! If you really want to know about Feng Shui, there are plenty of good tips in the book (straight out of Ray's expensive Feng Shui Manual). If you're like us (and we know we are) and you think Feng Shui is a bunch of hooey, there's even more for YOU!

It's the perfect gift for the Feng Shui or Duct Tape enthusiast in your life. Pick one (or nine) up today!
*Wisdom subject to change without notice.