You are about to become aware of a miraculous breakthrough in canine medicalocular teknology: Colour for the normally colourblind dog.
I am Jon (pronounced "Yon") Wilhelm Newburger and this is my incredible story.
Imagine if dogs could see colour.
It is possible!
I am living proof.
No, I am not a dog.
I am the product of a experimental test tube baby experiment injecting a human embryo with the genes of yellow labrador retriever (a 1975 German genetic engineering experiment attempting to create a more powerful Olympic swimming contender).
I can swim quite well, but
can only do the so-called "dog paddle" which, unfortunately is not acceptable in the Olympic swimming events. That, and my tendency to continually grab the lane markers in my mouth... Let's just say it didn't work out as the Deutsche Biotechnik firm had planned.
I was deported with my dog, Wilhelm, to Centralis, Amblyopia where I completed my schooling. It was here I took a liking to biology and to emerging teknologies thanks to a wonderful teacher who mentored me beyond expectations. I still think of him fondly on a daily basis although he's sadly left us over five years ago now. What a special humanbeing Fritz Steinhauser was. I'll never forget him and his reaffirming touches...
Sorry, I got side-tracked there.
An unexpected side effect of the gene experiment was that I was born colourblind - I could only see in black and white. This has always presented a hardship for me.
That was then, but now...
Through my important bioengineering work at Biotektroniques International, I am now able to see in colour using bioengineered retinal cone implants (aka synthetic bio-cone implants).
You can see a simplified diagram of the implant below. The receptors are carefully placed in the receptor emulsion which is placed in the cone container. The receptors pick up light and the colours are removed and intensified in the venturi-like cone until they are funneled to the brain where they are translated into magnificient colour. It makes colour essentially "scream" in the brain. You might call this an "eye scream cone." (That was a bit of humor that we came up with here at Biotektroniques.)
It takes nearly one hundred of these bio-cones implanted into the retinal wall to correct colour vision completely. With as few as 30 in each eye, colour is corrected to the intensity of a turn-of-the-century hand-tinted photograph (see examples below).
It is my dream to bring this colourful discovery to the animal kingdom and ask for your donation to keep this expensive but important study alive.
S
imply click the donate button above and your generous donation of any amount - although not a tax deductable donation as we are not a "legitimate organization" doing any "legitamate research" as far as you know - your donation will be used to continue the very important work of Biotektroniques Internationale, Ltd.* and (again, as far as you know) provide a gloriously colourful imagined future for our four-footed, monochromatic-visioned friends. It will also help us pay for very expensive materials like the diagrams shown on this page. This kind of teknical material does not come cheap. But it is crucial to our appearance of legitimacy as a canine ocular research facility.
Perhaps you would like to donate $5 or more in the memory of a beloved canine companion? If you do, we will mail you this beautiful "EYE CARED TO HELP" certificate suitable for framing and imprinted with your dog's name on it:
If you click on the certificate, it will show you a larger version so you can see the fine quality. The actual certificate is 8.5 inches by 11 inches and printed on a fine parchment paper in full colour.
Back to my story. After fourteen implant sessions on my own eyes, I am happy to report that I have achieved absolutely perfect colour perception. the only way that I can demonstrate this to you is to show you another before and after example:
The image on the left is how I used to view a lovely farmyard landscape, while the image on the right represents how I see the landscape now - in full, accurate colour. I can not be more pleased with the results. Imagine my pleasure in finally seeing the world as others see it. Now, imagine this pleasure for your dog!
Sorry to keep interrupting myself, but I wanted to remind you again that you can DONATE to this wonderful cause by clicking this donate button and with your donation of $5 or more, get the prestigeous certificate shown above mailed directly to your United States mailing address.
I will be adding a pricelist for the proceedure as soon as we get through our little legal skirmish with the ASPCA and the AMA. Please bookmark this site and check back often. Or, better yet, be my friend on the facebook and I will post updates as new developments transpire.
Thank you, and may you have a colourful life.
Jon Wilhelm Newburger
Colour to the Canines!
More of my story will follow. Please bookmark this page.
P.S. Yes, I still dream in black and white.
* Disclaimer: This is a PARODY web site and is a proud resident of parodyville.com.
Biotektroniques is obviously not a real organization - it is purely fiction and was created just for fun - and for the eleviation of the boredom of living in a small tourist town prior to the actual tourist season. It's then when all hell breaks loose and I won't have time to do any of this kind of thing...So, enjoy!
©2009 Octane Creative - take a stroll down Octane Street
to your friends
on the
< click
be a part of a colourful future for our four-footed friends - donate below
